It's only us. (ON HOLD)

5.

niara hasn't been at work since that. it's been three days.

i haven't worked here long but i can tell niara never misses work. i regret taking her drink that day, and i regret trying to make it better for her when she was already upset.

i regret a lot now.

i walked down to the pediatric wing as charlottes room was still there, just no charlotte.

i remember seeing niara drop to the floor and begin her compressions. and how her mascara ran down her face.

i remember it clearly, as i remember mom sob just like that when dad died.

i hate that memory.

i hate when i see girls cry or when anyone cries. but niara? when she cried it was like a piece of my heart shattered.

she's strong. and i haven't seen much of her life or how she carries herself, but i know she's in pain.

i walked down the hall as i passed jamie's desk, waving him a wave of acknowledgment before i kept on my stroll.

i felt like a dick, that day.

i drank her drink and i knew it had her name on it, i just wanted her to talk to me, look at me.

but i did it in the worst way.

"idiot." i said, aloud, as i walked into the break room. i opened my bag and put another celsius in the fridge for her.

3 days, 3 celsius, no niara.

i wanted to apologize to her, and say i'm sorry and hope she's doing well.

but i know if i did that it would just make it worse.

"charlotte newman, doing well." i said, as i pressed record on my phone," she's doing better, losing weight, and her hair is falling out again."

i did this everyday to report to niara. and grace.

but mainly niara.

"she's been asking for niara, a lot. none of us can bear to tell her that she's not here. i worry, about charlotte, but as we do scans it seems like she's doing okay, but her treatment has been taking a major toll on her."

i paused the recording as i laid my head in my palms.

"i cant. " i said," i cant, act like this place is any better without her."

saying this was a real turning point for me. i never cared for niara. until now.

she was the girl who let my clinical fail. and i blamed her for it, for the year or so afterwards.

i blamed her for no reason, resented her. i looked like a fool that day but pinned it on her when in reality it was my fault. my fault i didn't read it.

my fault i asked her to drink that night with us.

i thought that if i-

"what're you doing in here?" grace asked," everything okay? you look, upset? are you crying?"

"i'm not, crying." i muttered,"just tired, now what's up, do i need to do something?"

"no, just came in here to bug you, that's all." she said with a smile," niara is fine."

"fine as in ?"

"she's gonna be back soon, and she appreciates the recordings you're doing for her, she just needs a moment to process everything."

"is everything alright outside of work?" i asked concerned.

is she getting evicted?

is she sick?