Give Life Meaning...

Regression

     Everything had been progressing nicely, and the first mission came since having the kids with them. In truth, Steve felt they should have known it would be soon, at the very least, expect it. Tony used this as a perfect example of why the two shouldn't have the kids because they needed someone to watch them, and while Clint stepped up to take them to Laura, things spiraled from there. Steve packed the twins a bag despite feeling resentful towards both Natasha and Tony. He had offered to stay behind with the kids, but Stark had insisted he needed everyone, and Natasha said they would be fine with Laura. Steve trusted Clint and his wife, but they had three kids of their own, added twins that needed extra care. It just seemed like a lot, and that one of them should stay behind as their parents. He gritted his teeth, grabbing the drawing tablet Alina was fond of and putting it in the bag. 

    It had been two months with the kids, and they hadn't even developed an actual routine, and the parenting books he picked up said that was key. Natasha had never picked up the book around him, at least. He was sure that Clint was guiding her because Steve noticed that she was picking up some habits, and it was apparent she loved the twins, but she was eager to be out in the field. "Are you almost done?" Natasha asked, holding James and gripping Alina's hand. They didn't quite understand what was happening but sensed the tension. That caused James to want to be held. While Alina was on the verge of acting out, Steve recognized the look of her about to have a meltdown. 

     "I will be," Steve snapped, glancing over at the three in the doorway. He felt guilt settle in his gut, realizing that Alina reacted to his tone, and sighed. "I want to make sure they have everything they need. We don't have an exact timeline for this-" 

    "Laura will be able to handle anything they don't have," Natasha cut in, a frown on her face. "Steve, this is our job; the kids will be fine." 

     "They've never met Laura, and they'll be meeting her for the first time as we leave them," Steve snipped, blue eyes turning to ice when looking at Natasha and finishing the bags. James would rather be outside than play with the toys they had gotten him. He had a favorite blanket and preferred a specific bedtime book, but he was fine otherwise. Alina was a bit more complicated since she started to relax in her new life. No more painful punishments and more hugs. That had led to her becoming attached to objects, to him, to their bedtime routine. It wasn't a strict routine, but they had all gotten into a habit with maybe a half-hour deviation but any more than that, and she got antsy. 

     Steve bent down and beckoned Alina to him, and when she hurried over with a flounce in her step, he scooped her up. "Hey Princess," he cooed softly, brushing her hair back. "You're going to stay at Uncle Clint's house for... For a few days." Children had no concept of time, or most didn't. He wasn't sure about the twins. Alina frowned as if she was considering his words and trying to figure out what that meant. 

     "Mommy and Daddy have to go work," the words were ripping into Steve's heart as he could see the faint realization in the green eyes. "We'll be back before you know it. Okay? You'll have your favorite blanket and pillow." Alina started shaking her head in disagreement, which caused a whine to come from James. Steve stood up and took James from Natasha, who didn't resist. 

     "I know you guys don't understand right now, but I promise we will be back. We have to take down some bad guys," Steve had to remind himself that this would keep them safe. Eventually, Hydra would come for them. They hadn't told the world that Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff were parents, but they didn't hide them either. The only adventures were on compound grounds, but eventually, they would have to take the twins out into the real world and not in the cocoon of safety they kept them in. "We'll be back for you, I promise." He held them tight against him, trying to soak up the warmth as they clung to him. 

     Natasha walked in and grabbed the two packed bags and walked back out of the room, glancing back at the man holding the twins. She smiled at the way he tenderly kissed both of their heads. It didn't matter to him if he wasn't the father of James. That didn't change how he treated him, Steve loved both of the kids more than anything, and that was becoming more obvious as the months passed. She loved the kids, but she missed the field. They had complicated missions, but it was less complicated than parenthood. Feelings weren't necessarily involved with missions either. 

     Steve sat in stony silence in the jet, reliving the cries of the two kids, having seen them reach for him and Natasha as they were escorted out of the house by Clint. He said it happened to all parents, and eventually, the crying would stop, but Steve wasn't sure. Maybe the crying stopped but would Alina and James be okay? They looked so broken, Alina fighting against Laura while James just cried with his arms out. Clint said that it broke him to Leave Cooper and then Lila, but it got better, and Steve thought he had to be wrong. Natasha was also quiet but wasn't glaring at the ground in front of her. She was centering herself. She knew that Steve was angry with her for not standing up and arguing with Tony about one of them staying behind. Tony said they were both needed, so she didn't see the need to fight him on it. Natasha hadn't wanted to leave the twins, but she could feel herself slipping into unfamiliar territory. Missions were familiar, and fighting was something she could do. 

     The mission was going well, too, until the end. Natasha had thrown herself into fighting Hydra soldiers without much thought, which got her shot in the arm. If anything, that seemed to enrage Steve more, and after they got on the jet and her arm bandaged, he seemed to glare as he stood in front of her. "What were you thinking, Natasha?" Steve growled, staring at her as he tried to fathom what could have been going through her mind during the mission. "You don't stick with the team!"

     "I've never had to before! I've always gone off on my own to finish my part," she argued back, glaring at the man in front of her. Usually, he wasn't like this. Life had drastically changed the last few months, but the one that didn't seem to mind changing was Steve; well, she didn't like the changes being forced on her. 

     "You can't just do that now! What if something happened to you?" Steve asked, his hands linked in his belt as he tried to stay level-headed. Except for level-headedness escaped when he saw the Hydra agent raise his gun and pull the trigger with her back turned. Luckily she heard it enough to avoid getting hit anywhere vital. 

     "That's the risk of the job, Steve! This is what I'm meant to do!" Natasha argued back, standing up to prove her point. Neither saw Clint walking up to them with a concerned furrow on his brow. 

     "Guys," he started, stopping when twin glares were sent his way and forced a sigh out of him. "Not on the jet, huh? Do this in private." Maybe that would give them time to cool down and prevent them from saying anything they regret. 

     "When? While Steve is carrying around the twins? Or, when I have to feed them? Where is the privacy, Clint?" Natasha turned on her best friend, who merely held his hands up in surrender. 

    "You're more than a fighter Nat!" Steve spoke loudly, his voice deep with the anger resonating in it. 

     "I'm more than a mother! Maybe... Maybe I don't want to be one, huh? Ever think of that? I came to terms with it years ago, and suddenly I have twins," she said harshly. "You act like I should adjust to motherhood and stay home!"

     "I never said you were just a mother, and no one forced you, Nat," Steve took a step back, pain flashing through his eyes. "I'll leave you alone, then. I never wanted you to stay home, Nat. I wanted you to show more consideration for your life." With that, Steve moved towards the front of the jet in silence, not speaking or looking at anyone. 

     Natasha stood shocked and felt her heart sink to her stomach. She spoke mostly out of anger more than anything, but it was true. She was drowning. Clint's hand locked tightly on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "I know you're struggling, and it's okay to struggle, but Nat... You have to tell me so I can help before stuff like this," he gestured towards Steve. "Happens. He was in the wrong, too and I'm going to tell him off, but I think you need someone right now." He sat her back down and sat beside her.