Mrs. Araneta

Chapter XXII: Dada 🤵🏻

"When you wake up
And find me gone tomorrow
Don't think I meant to hurt you
I just did what we knew I had to do

And all the time we knew
The time was never right for us
Time to leave this love behind"

***
DENIAL.

When everything you have worked for, when the things you have prayed for, when the only thing that you wanted all your life... is slowly slipping away from you, what will you do?

Will you just sit around knowing it might be gone? Because oftentimes we fight. But what if, in spite of all the fighting you have done, of all the efforts you have put into it, you are still losing?

Will you give up? Will you try once more? Maybe another battle? When we came face to face with the truth, when all we could see now is how everything is tearing apart, that's when we lie.

We lie to deny ourselves the pain that comes from knowing. We lie to try to keep our sanity.
We lie because that is how we numb ourselves. We deny everything that is real. Why? Because that is how we stay alive.

ANGER.

After all the lies we tried to tell ourselves, after all the truth we tried to keep at bay, what else is left of the person we have become? Shell shocked? Lost? Lonely? Angry, maybe?

Who wouldn't be, right? But to who? To the world? To God? To the situation? To the person who cannot reciprocate the love we are giving them? To ourselves? Giving someone your all does not give you the assurance that they will love you with the same amount, in the intensity, to the same magnitude as you are with them.

So we blame ourselves. We question the integrity of our feelings and efforts. Baka kulang pa? Baka may hindi pa ako nagagawa? Baka may dapat pa ako na sinabi? Baka may mali. Baka ako yung mali.

We get angry no matter how petty our reasoning may be... Because that is how we gauge if there's still fight left inside us.

BARGAINING.

There are moments in our lifetime that no matter how greatly affected we have been, no matter how badly we have been hurt, no matter how poorly we have been treated, the great disappointments we have been receiving, still.. it's hard to pack up everything, to leave and just be over it.

How can one be so at ease with setting something free when you have been trying to hold on to it for so long? Which is why, even in our most fragile state, we bargain. One more day, one more night. One more moment with the person you love. Baka pwede pa na mahalin at piliin ka.

We bargain not because we are fool and stupid. In fact, we bargain because we knew from the start. We bargain because the feeling of pity and shame we must be feeling within us, is nothing in comparison to the feeling of lost we will face to the succeeding days without that person.

DEPRESSION.

After all the tries, the pleadings, those hopeful days, those prayers you whispered at night, there are crossroads in our stories that no matter how much we hoped for it to end the way we wanted to, it's just not meant to be.

And when it hits you.. all at once, it just seemed like the world has drained the life out of you.

You're just done. You are falling apart, slowly dying inside. But nobody knows it, just you.
You smile, you continue with your day. You are existing but not living.

And when the heart finally gets really heavy from all the pain, you don't react anymore.
No more tears, no more words. You stay still. In silence.

Complete silence.