Finding Him

E I G H T

Demons

E L E O N O R A ' S P O V :

Hopeless. A word that feels familiar yet so far away. I have so much hope, I store so much of it in my brain, my heart, my future. Yet, failure leaves me utterly hopeless.

The failure to find my papà leaves me feeling like shit every time.

A stupid side effect of human emotion.

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?" I stare blankly.

"Thinking too much."

My mouth dries. In and out.

My eyes catch Rowan's. I'm lost. In life. In my mind. In his eyes. I'm gone.

"You're doing it again." I repeat and his brow quirks.

"Doing what?" He plays along.

"Watching me too closely."

He puffs out a laugh and I smile genuinely. I turn my head back, letting it rest on the wall behind me. Rowan adjusts his arms that sit linked on his knees.

"What are you thinking about?"

"My papà."

Every time I mention his name, everyone seems to lose their voice. No one ever knows what to say. Sometimes I think it'd be better if they joked about it with me rather than staying silent. I miss my papà, I miss him everyday. Some days just more than others. I'm grieving someone who is alive. Which in my opinion is way worse than grieving someone who is dead.

"It's been so long."

"But it still feels like yesterday." I breathe deep. "It feels like just yesterday."

"Don't you ever get tired of looking?" I bite the inside of my cheek. "I mean, this mission of yours has taken up your entire life. I mean, Eleonora, your whole life has been spent finding him. I don't think I've ever seen you do anything to benefit you."

I pursue my lips together.

Finding him is what benefits me. Hope is what benefits me.

"You don't get it." I stare off into a wall. "I would do anything to get my papà back."

"Anything?"

Softly, I smile. "Anything."

Rowan is silent for a moment. "What about your mom? Don't you want to find her too?"

"No."

I feel his eyes on me.

"Why?"

"Because she's dead." My blue eyes find his.

"Oh." He gives me a sympathetic look.

"Yeah." I sigh.

I don't know much about my mom. My papà didn't talk about her much. I remember the night he explained to me that she's dead. That she would never come home and I would never get the chance to meet her. I was sad until I realized I don't know how to be upset over someone I've never met.

"You seriously would do anything to see your dad again?" What is he getting at? I already answered this.

"Yes."

"You would climb Mount Everest if it meant seeing him again."

"Yes." I give him a quirked brow.

"You would shave your head?"