Disingenuous

17. Your Eyes

May 24, 2018

Jackson didn't like how leaving Morgan in Sebs care felt. He trusted Seb, and he knew he was a decent person, but the thought was actually rather crippling. He also knew he'd gotten sober when he came back to Portland and that his sobriety had technically only lasted all the way up until the day he met Seb. He still didn't drink for a while, but Seb was a pot head and Jackson was weak for the green stuff. That was where their relationship began. Watching Seb walk away with his child didn't sit well in juxtaposition to that.

Jackson had driven straight home just as he'd been instructed to do. Now that he was alone though, he was finding himself fighting of a very intense tidal wave of emotion.

He was now certain he'd been lied to. He hated that truth, but it was glaringly obvious. Morgan wasn't being honest and he had completely lost control of the situation as soon as he pointed it out. Then he'd taken the easy way out. He'd let Seb fill a role that wasn't his to fill again.

Instead of cooling off, or whatever Seb had suggested, he was actually escalating quite badly. He hadn't made it past the foyer when he'd come home. He was just pacing, unable to focus on anything else. His chest felt tight.

He had failed again.

He couldn't get his thoughts straight, but he knew he'd failed. He'd failed Morgan when he'd simply given up communication in favor of calling Seb. He should have been good enough to speak to her on his own. He should have been better.

She deserved better.

He felt his breathing getting more difficult and he knew he was about to lose it. His thoughts roared in his ears. In response to the rising tide he sat down in the floor and put his head between his knees.

Deep breath. In and out.

"Don't do this," he muttered quietly to himself on a strained voice.

It didn't help. Jackson was well aware that he couldn't stop it on his own. He'd been powerless for far too long, and the only way he'd learned how to make it stop was to obliterate it entirely.

He couldn't do the dad thing. He just didn't know how. He couldn't even talk to her. He couldn't even tell when he was being lied to, and even once he'd figured it out, he couldn't respond to it. He didn't know how to handle a teenagers tantrum. He just kept messing up.

All he ever did was mess things up, and Morgan was starting to realize how bad he really was at literally everything.

"Stop it!" He snapped at his own thoughts to go away.

There was a knock at his door that broke through everything, causing him to flinch. His irrational and confused thinking flooded with disconnected thoughts about what could cause that. He wasn't expecting anyone, and it was a horrible time, but hadn't he closed the gate behind himself on the way in?

His intruder knocked again.

Every nerve in Jackson's body tingled with his panic. He wasn't breathing right at all, and he was actually beginning to feel dangerously lightheaded. The tidal wave was roaring in his ears, numbing his senses to everything but the erratic beating of his heart.

"Go away!" He yelled in the direction of the door. He immediately regretted it. In a far off and rational way, Jackson knew whoever was at the door had known his gate code. That meant they weren't likely to leave, but he wasn't answering anyways. Seb could deal with them upon his return.

Jackson didn't expect to hear the lock clicking, but when it did his entire body tensed. His eyes snapped open as the door was pushed, and standing in the doorway was a blonde man. He was looking down at Jackson with sad hazel eyes.