Disingenuous

22. The Point

2017

Jackson had a drinking problem. He knew that. Facts were facts.

It was just different from the last time. He wasn't out of control. He wasn't living in a complete fog. He wasn't even drinking every day as far as he could tell, but he wasn't being ridiculously careful about keeping track anymore. He just genuinely wasn't thinking about it much.

Tour started at the end of the previous year and stretched well into the next. Tour was a good place to be an alcoholic. Nobody cared what he did as long as he was on stage at 9 pm making the crowd scream for him. Everything else was just noise.

Tour gave Jackson a break from Dylan, which he decided was a good and necessary thing. He decided that the problem was proximity. They were just feeling smothered by eachother. They'd moved in together so fast. A lot of big changes had happened over a short amount of time. Buying the house had been a major change. Remodeling it was really strenuous for Dylan. Jackson was drinking again and Dylan was trying to be okay with that. They just needed a little bit of space.

Dylan was being really supportive while Jackson was away. He sent him encouraging messages and talked on the phone with him late at night when Jackson couldn't sleep. The new housekeeper Lillian was there to keep him company during the day when he wasn't working. Dylan was helping her get acquainted with the house. Dylan was also taking over a bunch of the little things for Jackson in his absence. He was taking care of Jackson's car, remodeling some of the rooms, directing the landscapers in the garden, and painting. The colors in the house were always changing. Always, always painting.

Jackson felt like things were going okay. While on tour, he was forced to spend a lot of time with his band mates, and he was realizing they really weren't that bad. They seemed to have moved past that weird part in their relationship where they had to bond over material things like objectifying women. Jackson appreciated that. He found it easier to socialize when he could drink with them. It loosened him up a little bit and as a result he spent more time at parties and bars.

Jackson had a terrible tendency to get drunk and tell disconnected stories about his time in Europe in the same way he had done to Seb the first night. He was more private than he'd been with Seb, and he made no mention of men, but he talked grande stories of the time he went to sleep in Berlin and woke up in Prague, or the time he helped someone take care of sheep for a week in Ireland, or details of some of his more exciting days as a nude model. He even mentioned the time he thought he might have accidentally held temporary membership to a cult in Sweden (Which was a great story for another time, ask Seb). Little odd stories helped his band mates learn who Jackson was, or at least who he had been, or who he wanted them to see.

If nothing else, Jackson actually enjoyed performing with them a lot. He liked being on stage. He liked the lights and the non specific attention. He liked watching his band mates play and he liked watching Seb steal the show. Seb really liked being famous. Jackson could tell. He practically bounced with excited energy on that stage. He never even looked nervous.

Jackson liked that at night when the shows ended he could go quietly back to his hotel room to escape it if he wanted, and he liked that he was equally allowed to go out if that's what called to him. There was a freedom in its structure somehow.

By the end of tour, Jackson felt good about where he was. He felt good about going back home. He missed Dylan, actually. He was looking forward to going home and having better things.