Disingenuous

28. Warm

Summer 1991

Jackson was only four years old. He was short and completely unaware that he was always going to be short. He had a chubby adolescent face and hands that fumbled in that babyish way. He still wobbled when he walked, but what he lacked in age, he made up for in his capacity to love. He was outgoing and friendly and kind. He loved other kids. He had a lot of friends. He wanted to play with everyone.

He was inexplicably normal and equally extraordinary in every way that was typical of children. They were simply made of possibility.

Jackson was happy. He loved his mom. He loved his dad. He was their first and only child at the moment, which meant he was quite busy during the day reaping those benefits. He was taught t be deeply devoted to his family and he excelled at it. He didn't really understand it yet, but he definitely loved Jesus. He was sure. People told him that all the time at home, and at church, and in those little groups his mom took him too. It was a very important conviction to hold. How could he not?

It was a bright summer day. He was at the park running around with the other kids. Off to the side a little ways from the playground, his mother sat in a gaggle of other moms talking and laughing. They lived in the type of community where everybody knew everybody from church. She always had someone to talk to. Her abdomen was swollen with his growing little brother. He was really excited about that. He loved the park and he loved the prospect of having a brother to bring with him soon. He hadn't quite understood yet that the new baby would not be springing from his mothers womb ready to romp at the playground with him. He also didn't understand that the new baby would mean he was no longer the default favorite child. For now he just got to be excited.

Another boy ran up to him when he was slowly clambering his way up the steps to the slide. His legs were just barely too short to effectively push himself up, but the other boy noticed his struggle and provided a hefty shove to his backside. He was older than Jackson, but not by much. Just enough to be noticeable. At first Jackson thought the other boy was being mean to him. His face immediately contorted in undue distress, but when he looked down, the boy was smiling and clambering up to follow after him. It had been a friendly shove after all.

"The friend slide," the other boy said simply.

And Jackson knew exactly what that meant, so he gestured for the boy to follow and started his way towards the double slide at the top of the play structure. Climbing it was like climbing a mountain. The other boy had to help him more than once to get up the hurdles. Jackson wanted to fuss every time he reached a step he couldn't get up, but the boy wouldn't let him. He just kept helping. They made it to the top together, and then stood patiently waiting their turn as other kids went screaming down. Jackson was intimidated by the height. A lot more intimidated than he'd anticipated. He wanted to call him mom to come get him when he saw the drop.

Maybe the other boy was a mind reader. He grabbed Jackson's hand when it was their turn. The gesture was quick and thoughtless, but Jackson had looked over at the boy smiling at him and he'd felt a rush of unfounded confidence from the support. He didn't need his mom. He could do this. He also noticed that the boy was quite beautiful. He'd never really thought about that before, but he noticed the beauty right then. There was beauty in being cared about. There was beauty in being helped.

"Together," he'd agreed.

The two of them lined up on either adjacent slide. Jackson counted to three, mainly because he was proud he could count that high and he wanted the other boy to know he was smart. His mom said he was going to be good at math eventually. Then they tumbled down giggling together; hands still clasped and smiles still wide until the end.

The entire thing was so exciting that Jackson needed to pause to catch his breath at the bottom. A moment later, they both took off running back towards the steps with their hands still clasped firmly together. They hadn't spoken, but there was a clear agreement to go back down together. Kids didn't have to put everything into words. They just understood simple things like that.

Jacksons chest felt warm, even though clouds had slid across the summer sun. He didn't know that warm feeling was going to be so important; that it would shape so much of his life like it did. He didn't know how little control he had over it. He didn't know what was going to happen to him. He didn't know anything about growing up. He didn't know how many people would think his feelings were such a big deal. He didn't even know his mom was about to yell at him for holding that other little boys hand.

He wouldn't even remember that day, and it didn't even matter. For the moment he just felt happy; the way he should have been allowed to feel all along.