Phantom Recall

34 || error in judgment

I never expected all of the damage Takashi caused to simply vanish at the moment of his passing, but I had wished for something at least. But the aftermath is strange. Strange and cold and, unsurprisingly, rather empty. There are no parades, no celebrations...even the sun takes quite a while to fully come back out of the clouds when the next morning rolls in.

Harlow ended up coming back not long after Noir had left. A solemn, dejected look upon her face, evidence that she regretted leaving me alone when she did, and she went on to verbally express that regret, as well. Swearing that if she could have foreseen Skull showing up in the slightest, she would never have left. And I can't blame her. Honestly. Because how could she have known? Not only that, but what's been happening with Takashi, and Noir, and even Javier and the others...it's all been my business. Harlow has other priorities. Other people to whom she would rather devote her time and attention. She shouldn't have to babysit me. In that sense, a small...very small...part of me is glad she didn't come back earlier than she did. I've troubled her enough, I believe. I don't want her to keep picking up my slack.

Even still, Harlow continues to prove her compassionate nature. Alba and Rowan, too. The three of them, being the bizarre, yet tight-knit bunch they are, don't falter at the interest I show in staying with them. Rather, just as before, they welcome me. And so among their peaceful company I find the days begin slipping off the calendar.

I wouldn't even know what day it is if it weren't for Rowan. The young boy, aged just eleven years old when he had died, as I learn, warms up to me far quicker than I could have foreseen. He seemed so private and withdrawn in the start — much like Alba. But over time, Rowan elects to sit closer to me by the fire pit which Harlow and I had to repair after Takashi's "visit" to the warehouse. And he shows me how to carve wood into dolls. Granted, I can't come close to creating the detailed likenesses he can, but I'm learning. It's something to do, if nothing else. Something to keep myself busy, a productive use of my otherwise wasted time. I've since abandoned the mere idea of going to see Eret again. It would be too painful, I tell myself. Not only to see him, but to know Ruben would be there, and to think that if we had acted faster, we could have prevented his death.

I never should have involved myself with the affairs of the living. I've learned my lesson now. And yet, I don't regret meeting Eret. Sonia and Javier, either.

Nevertheless, I know also that I have to accept what is. I spend the next several weeks of time doing just that. With Harlow's wise guidance, Alba's occasional, written word of encouragement, and Rowan's friendly temperament, I start taking steps towards the great feat that is 'peace of mind.'

...baby steps.

It doesn't help that Noir manages to find his way into my thoughts by the end of each day. If not during daylight hours, then by the time the moon peaks overhead.

What a disappointing goodbye, he left me with. If I could even call it that. But I have to accept it. I made the conscious decision not to stop him from leaving. Knowing in my heart that things wouldn't be the same, and that I couldn't simply force myself to swallow my frustration... I had to let him go.

How cruel, that as the days go by, that fact becomes harder and harder to stomach.

I had paid a visit to the spirit lounge the day after Takashi was killed — a brief visit, and for the sole purpose of passing on the message of 'Skull''s death. Leon wasn't there at the time. I let Echo know instead. Since then I haven't gone near the lounge. Lacking both a reason or desire to. Although I've accepted that the phantom echoes I witnessed in the border realm were true, they won't return to me. And it wouldn't be the same, to rejoin with a crowd of people who possess memories of me that I have no recollection of. It wouldn't feel right.