⚠️All Curse Words were Written by Cas⚠️
It was a not so lovely not so normal evening at Ren, the prison escapee's house (the Boulder cause he stole it from Zed) and all of a sudden, there is an incredibly ominous knock at the door.
Rosie, the pink robot stands in front of the door.
"Hello there Rosie!" Ren says.
"I know you burnt down our GigaCorp ship. You asshole, I was going to use that to get back home."
"I didn't do it." Ren says, knowing damn well he did and the whole of Hermitcraft probably watched him do it.
"He did, I watched him," says the entire town, just marching past his house.
"What the fuck guys you said you'd keep it a secret." Whines the dog hybrid.
"I was literally watching in a sheep costume." Eyerolls Rosie. Tango, who was towards the back of the crowd, shudders at the thought of a sheep costume. Zedaph grins evilly to Tango's horror, which causes Tango to run and eventually start flying somehow.
"I'm still mad they revealed my secret," Whines Ren.
"Oh shut up, you big baby," Rosie says, "You aren't going to apologize?"
"Nope. I committed arson," Ren says, "And I was on drugs so you can't sue me."
"You know what I can do," Asks Rosie.
"What," Asks Ren.
"A battle."
Literally everyone who was marching past started to collectively gasp and pass out one by one, until Iskall was the last one standing. He was probably high on drugs.
"fUcK yeAh bAtTle," slurs Iskall.
"What the fuck, Iskall," Rosie says, "Anyway. Prepare your inner anime girl."
"Oh my god I've always wanted to be a unicorn princess," Gushes Ren as he runs to grab his high heels.
"NO I'M THE PRINCESS," yells Iskall.
"OH SHUT UP," Ren says, "YOU AREN'T ANYMORE-"
"You both are the ugliest princesses I've ever seen," says Rosie, "I'm way hotter. And I'm a robot. Geez, who's marrying you?"
Iskall starts crying. Ren is utterly offended, now in his fifteen inch pumps.
"OH- OH YOU'LL SEE-"
"Seriously? Fifteen inch pumps? I thought you meant three inch heels."
"My utter goal is to be 320cm(10'6) tall," Ren admits.
"You're still short as ever, Ren," Rosie says.
"I'm taller than you though."
"Exactly."
Rosie enlarges to her true form.
"YOU'RE- YOU'RE-"
"Yes. That's right. I'm 320 cm tall, and this isn't even my full form," Rosie says.
Ren starts sobbing as they teleport to a boxing ring. Rosie's eyes start glowing bright pink and she gains anime girl powers. (Accelerated Rotation,
Additional Limbs, Adoptive Muscle Memory, Amalgamation Plant, Merging Solid, Merging Anatomical, Liberation, Body Part Substitution, Bone Manipulation ,Camouflage, Claw Retraction, Deflection, Fang Retraction, Fat Manipulation, Helicopter Propulsion, Invisibility, Immobility, Immutability, Invulnerability, Jet Propulsion, Matter Ingestion, Mobile Invulnerability, Muscle Manipulation, Nail Manipulation, Needle Projection, Organic Constructs, Prehensile Hair, Prehensile Tail, Prehensile Tongue, Regenerative Healing, Factor Replication, Self-Detonation, Sharp Tail Spike, Protrusion Structure, Weakening, Tentacle Manifestation, Tendril Generation, Vampire Physiology, Wallcrawling, And More)
Ren started to girl run in his fifteen inch pink glittery pumps that he got from Etsy for $3.24. Meanwhile, Rosie is shooting lasers out of her eyes. And all of a sudden.. the Dancing Red People pull up and now they're dancing to Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley as the fight goes on. Ren is so badly losing you'd think the fight was against the Rock (big muscle) and a baby (no muscle, could probably break one).
Ren starts sobbing, his one million dollar mascara running down his face (it's pink btw).
"What the fuck," Rosie says.
"IM SO SOWWY WOSIE FOWGIVE ME I WOVE YOU ILL MAWWY YOU ILL DO ANYTHING," Ren begs.
"Did you just ask me to marry you? Aren't you already mar-"
Iskall is now ugly sobbing. "YOU CHEATER!!" Ren starts to sob harder.
"ISKWALL IM SOWWY TO YOU TOO BUT I HAVE TO CHEAT SO I DONT DWIE"
"..what the actual fuck, Ren. I knew you were high but holy shit," Rosie says.
"WE'RE ALL HIGH," says the town, now barreling through the ring. "EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS ON DRUGS, ALL FREAKING TWENTY FIVE OF US."
"We need to go back to our planet. Why the fuck did you burn down my ship, Ren?!"
"Because .. I wanted Arson."
"Fair enough."
Rosie morphs back into a regular old Peppa Pig robot. Then they all roll onto the floor and start slivering.
"I'm the best snake," Ren says.
The cops then bust in.
"RENDOG, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR YOUR THIRD ACCOUNT OF ARSON TODAY," a cop says, arresting him.
"NOOOOOOOO," Ren cries.
And so Ren went to jail... Again.
And as he's walking out, the million dollar mascara drops from his pockets and rolls to Rosie.
And what does Rosie do?
She whips out a lighter and burns it.
YOU ARE READING
HermitCracc: Hermits on crack done right
FanfictionWeird wacky stories that come from the brain of @ThatOneCandor and I. Cover by @ThatOneCandor
