Hiding Myself

Chapter Eleven

*Song of this chapter - I wanted to leave by SYML*

Friday 22nd December 2002: 12:45pm

PAISLEE IVY

I can't take this anymore.

Michelle won't shut up! What doesn't she understand?

I don't want to talk to her!

My anger is picking up now. I've been in this shit whole of a place from ninety nine day! How much longer do they want to keep me here? Reach to one hundred? New years? Next Christmas?

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go home. I don't know where home is. But I want to go home. I want to be happy, full of joy and excitement for the future ahead. Will I ever get that?

Michelle stares at me, she hasn't said anything for five minutes now and neither have I. But I'm sick of being here, I'm sick of not knowing if I'll ever get out!

I'm twenty two, and having to be babysat!

I stand up from my chair, looking straight into Michelle's eyes.

"I'm leaving! And I mean it.

I walk towards the door, slamming it open and running down the main stairs to the front door of the building. I feel Michelle's presence behind me the entire time.

When I try to open the doors, they're locked. I'm not sure what I expected. But I don't do much apart from stare at the door in front of me.

Tears form in my eyes and my vision becomes blurry. My body begins to shake and sounds of hurt leave my mouth.

I turn slowly to face Michelle. Her arms are crossed over her chest and she looks at me. With such sympathy.

She walks towards the front desk and says something to them, that I'm not sure what is. But suddenly the front doors open and questions fills my mind.

She smiles at me, then nods. "I was going to wait until we finished our last session but-

"Thank you" I whisper.

I genuinely am thankful. But why is she suddenly letting me go? Don't I need to have a place first? Don't I need to do some paperwork's to sign myself out?

I turn around, walking out of the building I refuse to go back into. But that's when I completely understand why she let me go.

Asher stands before me in front of his car. His back led against his foot and his arms folded across his chest.

He watches as I walk towards him. Once I'm standing in front of him, looking up at him as he towers over me, anger yet thankfulness completes me.

But I slap him across the face, then we both hold a stare for a long moment.

"You done?" He questions.

I nod my head, then we both go in for a hug. I really needed that, a way to finally show my anger but then to thank him for trying to help me.

We hold the hug for a while, my cheek against his chest, his chin on top of my head. This feels like everything I wanted, and this is the first hug from Asher I've gotten since I've known him.

It's a lot better than I expected.

He slowly releases me, then opens the door behind me, allowing me to take a seat. I do as he says, but keep my eyes on his the entire time.

He walks towards the other side of the car, into the drivers seat and begins driving away.

I look out the window, seeing the world almost as if it was for the first time again. Everything is decorated for Christmas, lights around the trees, snowmen covering the fields, and the large Christmas tree that our town lights up every year on Christmas at midnight.

I used to go all the time with mother, Christmas was her favourite time of the year, she adored it. She always wanted me to experience Christmas better than I ever have before.

Not that I have had better.

But once she died, I didn't have any sort of Christmas. It was just an ordinary day were my father would give me the present of abusing me.

It was awful.

My attention goes back to Asher and I'm ready to question everything he's done since the day I attempted.

"Why did you change my surgeon?"

He doesn't answer straight away, there's a moment of silence first.

"I couldn't be your surgeon and file you into a psychiatric hospital as a friend. I could only chose one."

I bite my bottom lip, looking at him, ready for my next question.

"Why did you chose to send me into a psychiatric hospital?"

"They were going to already. Everyone of my colleagues including the state police agreed that you needed help. As I'm the person that files you in, I had full ability to file you out. So that's why I'd rather be able to take you out whenever I imagined it wasn't helping or you were helped."

"Psych wards don't do that usually. Don't they? Let people decided when you come out?"

"I got a hand written letter from the sherif of police addressing that I would be aloud. Besides the psych ward you went to wasn't your typical one. It was more of a therapy thing."

I take a minute to look back out of the window.

"Why did you come everyday after I finished my sessions?"

He takes a second to answer my question. He probably didn't realise I was watching him everyday. Not in a creepy way or anything.

"I wanted to see your progress. But it quickly came to me that you weren't getting any of it."

He sighs aloud.

"I knew from the minute I saw you that you would one day attempt. That was never a surprise to me. You went through something nobody should have to. But I also saw the way being around me and Lexi changed you. You were with people who wanted to care for you. I saw the photographs and so did Lexi, we both know that you had every reason to want to do what you did. But we had no choice but to put you in this place. But if it were my choice. I would never have let you... I don't believe in therapists"

A single year falls down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away before Asher notices.

"Then why did you give flowers to Michelle yesterday? Are you two... a thing?"

Asher laughs between his breathes.

"No! I was giving her my thanks for helping you in any sort of way before you left."

I smile at his comment. I smile as the fact that I no longer need to be jealous. But why am I jealous?

We continue driving until we're finally at Lexi's house. When he parks the car he turns to his side and faces me.

"Sophie thinks you just went on holiday for a while."

I nod my head, accepting why they had to lie to her. I can't believe I did what I'd id in a little girls home. That was awful behaviour from me.

"Are you ready?"

I not my head.

I'm ready.