Hiding Myself

Chapter Twenty Five

*Song of this chapter - Rise up by Andra Day*

Thursday 27th December 2002: 8:02am

PAISLEE IVY

"Ivy" I hear from behind me. The voice of Lexi. Why is she here. She can't be here, I need to do this.

Tears roll down my cheek.

"Come closer and I'll do it" I threaten. I don't want to, but I have to do this.

I have nothing left.

"You were going to anyway" she whispers.

She's right. She sits besides me, looking down at my mothers grave.

A long moment of silence goes by. She's being respectful, not questioning, not crying for me to stop.

These are the simple things I'll miss about Lexi. But no... I barely know her. I still have to do this... right?

"I was... broke, before I met you. The only people I had in my life were Asher and Sophie, my parents having nothing to do with me, and I've never had a friend or a boyfriend. For a long time at least. I felt alone, and needed to just have a friend. I wasn't depressed or anxious in any sort of way, I just wanted what everyone else had. I also wanted Sophie and Asher to have someone"

She whispers this whole conversation to me, almost hiding her words from the world around us.

"When Asher asked me if I could look after you. I was so excited. You were the one thing I was so excited for in life. Not just for me, but for Sophie and Ash. I must admit I was scared, I was scared you were going to be boring, no character, annoying. Maybe even a bitch. But you weren't. You aren't. You're much more than that. You're very hidden, lots of secrets but you're a lot like me. I saw that when even though you wanted your own space, and to not have to deal with a four year old, you talked and played with her because you wanted her happiness to be first. That's something unique about you, Ivy"

She places her hand on mine, one that's led on my thigh whilst the other weekly holds the knife. She's squeezing it, almost saying 'I'm here'

I'm crying more now, her words always hit me deep in the heart.

The heart. Wait. But.

"If you go, Ivy." She looks at me, and I look at her. I didn't even realise the streams of tears she has.

She shakes her head, letting go of my hand and standing up. I watch as she paces behind my mothers grave, in front of me.

"You're the only person I've ever told about my baby. Apart from Asher... you're the only other one I've ever told about it. The dad... he doesn't know. He never ran away. I ran away because I was scared."

She breaks down, falling to her knees. I look between her and my knife. Who do I chose. Be selfish and chose me? Chose to remove all the pain in my life in just a matter of a few seconds?

Or be selfless and chose Lexi? Chose to save my friend from her past, even if I wouldn't be saving me?

I drop the knife, standing up and kneeling down besides her. I hug her tightly, feeling the warmth of her body.

We both sit there and cry, our sadness leaving us. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

"Don't... don't worry about me, Ivy" she moves my arms away from her. Looking into my eyes, the ones that are filled with tears.

"Go talk to her" she whispers.

I immediately know who she's talking about. I look down, then back up at her. I nod my head slowly.

"Thank you" I whisper between multiple tears and cry's.

She nods her head, handing me her car keys. I grab them from her, surprises that she's letting me drive her car.

I stand up, not looking back at her. Then drive.

Once I arrive, I walk straight to the front door. I notice her inside so I walk in and see her sat on the couch watching tv.

Her face is all burned up. She has multiple scars all over her face. God, I never even noticed. I was so selfish.

I run up to her and hug her as tears roll down both our cheeks.

"I'm so sorry I never knew, auntie Lauren"

She's pulls away looking deeply into my eyes.

"I've been so worried for yo-

Panic. It's surrounds her. Confusion fills me.

I turn to look behind me and instantly feel like my life disappeared again. I can never be happy. Why I can't I even be fucking happy!

Father stands at the door, a gun in his hand, pointed right at me.

It's at this very moment that makes me realise how much I don't want to die. I don't want to, I never have. It's just fucking thoughts that make me feel it.

Before I can do anything, Auntie Lauren stands in front of me just as father pulls the trigger. She drops to the ground right in front of me.  I cry aloud, not afraid to show my father.

I hear my father run out of the house, and people screaming and attacking him. I don't even worry about that... she's dead!

That's when everything comes back to me. Like I'm facing the past again. Just like my favourite damn book quote.

'You look like you just got shot in the heart'

I've never once in my twenty two years heard such a depressing book quote read out loud.

It's strange how it's the most truthful thing about me in this moment as though I haven't been through such trouble to be shot in the heart. Yet, the life in front of me has experienced this exact feeling.

How must it feel? I'll never know. I'll always adore the books that have me reaching for a sudden breath of air. And so I do.

I freeze. For the sound of a life dying becomes something unbearable to watch. There's nothing more painful. Nothing more miserable. I can't go back now.

I take two unsteady steps back. Two of my most painful steps back in my life. I begin to fall to the ground without any thought of getting help. I no longer deserve to feel loved. Even if Lexi try's.

I will not cry.

I will not cry.

I'm trying to convince myself that everything will be ok. That things will get better with some help. But before I could. I feel a sharp pain against the back of head.

I'm unable to focus. Yet the sound of him soothes my soul.

"Ivy! Ivy where are you?!"