Hiding Myself

Chapter Twenty One

*Song of this chapter - Lost in the moment by NF, Andreas Moss*

Wednesday 27th December 2002: 5:13am

PAISLEE IVY

It feels like my life is flashing before me. I feel like I'm low, that I'm not longer strong. I'm weak again. It's almost as if my life was created just so I could live hell. So I could suffer.

My life was never meant for me to be happy.

It was meant for me to die. To kill myself. I can see that now. I can see this more clearly that I saw my happiness.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I had too many thoughts. Too many ideas.

I can't do this.

I'm sat on the couch, drinking coffee. Lexi came down ten minutes ago to keep me company and to comfort me.

The fire's on and I'm surrounded by blankets and pillows. She really does know what I need.

Sitting besides me, she sips at her own coffee then looks my way. I know she wants to question me, to ask why I'm so messed up right now.

But I just can't answer. It would hurt too much.

I looks back at her, tears rolling down my cheeks. She sighs in sympathy then comes in for a hug. She's warm and comfortable to be around. I like that about Lexi.

I don't feel so alone with her. That's why I can't leave, and make her stay with him. I would be betraying her, and she's my friend.

I'd also be disappointing Sophie. She's four years old and the only family she has are Lexi and Asher. Asher's not even family.

He's a rapist. He's a psychopath. And from what I'm aware, he's a fucking murderer.

"Tell me" she whispers.

I pull away from her arms, looking down at my coffee.

"Just facing reality of my life, I guess"

I can't tell her.

She purses her lips, shaking her head. "That's not it. I can tell, Ivy. You can speak to me"

I look back up at her, seeing real concern in her eyes. I begin to speak up when I sudden slam at the front door makes us both perk up.

I look at the door, so does Lexi and Asher comes running inside. He looks around, finally noticing us and walking towards us.

Looking at Lexi, he motions for her to follow him with his head. She sighs heavily, looking back at me then standing to follow him.

Once they're gone I bite my bottom lip, afraid of what could happen.

I don't know if I'm going to end up alive.

Asher walks back in the room, without Lexi following behind. My intention's immediately fire up and I stand up, coffee spilling all over my shirt.

I look at the dining room door, then at him. What did he do? Where is she? He walks back to me, placing a hand on my arm and gently helping me sit down again.

I want to shout for Lexi, ask where she is, but if he knew that I know. This could ruin everything... I don't even know the full story yet.

I sit down with him, still holding my now empty mug and staring at the door. I completely forget he's even there.

"Ivy" he whispers. Bringing my attention back to him.

"Talk to me"

I just stare at him blankly. Not knowing what to say or do.

"Just... for your own sake. Pretend that yesterday didn't happen. That we're just friends. What's wrong, Ivy?"

I close my eyes, breathing in and out. I'm tense, I can't feel anything. I'm not comfortable. But I need for him to believe I'm ok.

That I'm not scared.

I open my eyes, placing the mug on the floor and leaning into him. I breath heavily, placing my lips to his. I lift my leg, over his, and straddling him.

My arms go over his shoulders, moving my body as I swift my tongue against his. When I  immediately feel a tear fall out of my eye.

He stops kissing me, placing both his hands on my cheeks, cupping me. His eyes stare right into mine, whilst he moves his thumb to wipe my tear.

"What are you hiding?" He whispers.

I don't want to answer his question, so I move my head to his to kiss him again. But he moves his away just as fast.

He shakes his head, "not while you're like this"

I look down at his shirt, then immediately standing up and walking towards the stairs.

"Ivy." I hear him say before sighing heavily.

I looks back, noticing Lexi appear from the room. I sigh from relief. She must have just let us have our own time, this is how good she is. Although it wasn't for the best in my case.

I turn back to the stairs, walking up towards my room. And I shut the door behind me, dropping into my bed.

I need out.