Hiding Myself

Chapter Six

* Song of this Chapter - Another Love by Tom Odell*

Wednesday 18th September 2002: 22:02pm

PAILSEE IVY

I ended up enjoying the company of Sophie. She's a sweet and innocent child who I judged to quickly. That was out of place for me.

She showed me her fishes and told me all there names, but Im already aware of their names from when she told Asher.

She let me feed them and then said goodnight to both I and Lexi. I went straight to my room and had a shower it was difficult having only one arm but I dealt with it.

I feel like I haven't had a shower in years, I didn't even realise that I never washed off the dried up blood from father last week, but most of it fell off in my bed.

Once I'm all clean and smell like roses since that's what Lexi bought me. I change into my pyjamas and begin walking downstairs.

I had a long shower to reflect on my life and decided what I want to do with it. Lexi's right. I shouldn't have to stay silent about my experience of abuse. So I won't.

She's sat on the couch watching a show on the tv, when she realises I'm coming, she mutes the tv and gives her full attention to me, smiling like she does.

"Did you have a nice shower?"

I nod my head, sitting besides her.

"I wanted to talk to you" I speak, my voice low.

I'm not one for talking. I haven't done much of it and planned not to at all, but seeing as though Lexi is one of the only people I trust in this world. I couldn't care less how much I say.

She doesn't say anything apart from continuing to look at me. She probably knows I'm going to talk about my experience in abuse and how I desperately need her help because I don't think I can mentally, emotionally or physically handle this anymore.

I sigh, looking down at the couch.

"My mother died last year in a car crash. I was in the car with her but I survived an she didn't. Everyone started blaming me including my father."

I try to catch my breath from the pain I'm feeling in this moment. I've never opened up to anyone about this before.

My breathes are deep and I can feel tears forming in my eyes. Lexi's no longer smiling. Concern is on her face, but so is comfort.

"Pretend I'm her. Pretend I'm your mother. What do you have to say to her?" Her voice is low when she says this. She respects me, and I like that about her.

I look over at her and imagine that it's my mother, that sat right in front of me is the person I love with my whole heart.

Yet the moment I see her in mind, my tears begin forming once again. I hold them in and do as Lexi asked of me.

Maybe this will help me.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't have protected you any better that day. I'm sorry that I killed you."

The pain fills me and my vision turns blurry but I continue.

"I wish you were here, mother. I wish you could protect me from him. I wish I never experienced what I did because it hurts more than I thought it would. I always wondered if what happened to me happened to you. Did you get constantly abused and hit on a daily basis? Did you fear him? Did you get raped by him? Was I so selfish of my own happiness to even realise that you were going through all this? Could I have helped you? I'm sorry, mother."

I cry heavily in Lexi's arms. She's hugging me tightly, making me feel comfort. Her arms are warm and she holds me. I haven't been held by anyone is a long time.

I want to cry more, to feel the pain leave my soul but I've cried to many times that all my tears have been used up. My soul is dry. My heart is dry.

I want to feel ok. I want to be happy. To be filled with love.

I hate that I used to be selfish of my own happiness. But now I need to be selfish for happiness.

Lexi holds me tight, not once letting go. She places a kiss on the top of my head and comforts me.

I lift my head up to face her, my eyes swollen and red. Dried up tears all down my cheeks. She smiles at me. I like it when people smile at me.

"You're mother doesn't forgive you, Ivy. She never had anything to forgive you for. You didn't do anything but love her."

Those words hit me right in the chest. I've grown to believe I might actually have caused her death. I've never had anyone believe me.

Someone finally believes that I didn't do anything. Someone finally wants to be here to comfort me.

As weird as it is to have moved in with complete strangers almost immediately. I'm so thankful Asher offered this to me. I've never been more grateful in my entire life.

"What do you want? Right now? What's the one thing you really really want?" She says.

I'm supposing this is a way to move on with the conversation and make me cheer up. She's a natural. I can't believe she used to be like Sarah.
Maybe I shouldn't judge Sarah so much. I'll call her tomorrow

"What do I really want?" I ask her.

She nods her head.

"Ice cream" I speak with such truth.

"Exactly what I was thinking, I'll go get some"

She stands up, walking towards the freezer and grabbing two large containers of ice cream and two large spoons.

She walks back over to me, sitting down and handing me one container of ice cream and a spoon.

"That's a lot of ice cream" I say, laughing between my breaths

"For two greedy adults" she speaks up.

He smile whilst beginning to eat her ice cream. She turns the tv off of mute and we watch it together. We laugh. We cry. We smile. We go to bed.

I've never been more happier.