Neon gravestone

My Last Death

Walking into the dark room, my heart was pounding fast.  My fear was that, darkness has creatures that are always hungry for lost souls and to be honest my soul is far from being redeemable, I am lost. To eases my sight, I had to find a way to light the room or at least my line of sight, "I have a lighter from don't I?" I thought as I reached out to my left coat pocket and produced a gas cigarette lighter.
"This is all I got for illumination" I thought as pressed its button to light it up. 
"Cut,cut...cuuuuuuut"  Jonathan said as he and the other crew walked in.
"What now", I said as closed my eyes to save them from the pain caused by the bright studio lights that were turned on. I hated being interrupted and in the matter of fact, I was sure that my acting was flawless.
"Son!, it wasn't the lighter you were supposed to switch on, it was your freaking cigarette, the one in your right pocket", he walked to me and reached out for my right coat pocket and he did not find the cigarette. His fat face met mine as I smiled at his reactions.
"Jona, I appreciate you trying to make this shooting perfecto, but as you can see, I have my own plans, I have my own ideas for this movie and I am sure the fans are going to like it the way I want it to be" I didn't want Jona to take offense in my words but he was interfering with my shooting one time too many and it really drained me.
"Your fame is gone, nobody remembers you any more, your old hits have lost touch, listen man, your acting is so much in decline, I am honestly doing you a favor by letting you use my crew and facilities for your movie for free and yet again you muster up the courage to still think you are the man here"  the tone in his voice made it clear that he was already fade up by my ego, although I have heard it many times in my acting career, but this time it felt like he was fade up. His hands were shaking as he reached out for the packet of cigarette from his shirt pocket.  I had nothing to say, his words were sinking in my thick skull like the titanic in the ocean.
" Fred, listen man" Jonathan said as he expelled the smoke from his nose, his hands had stopped shaking, his smoking addiction will surely kill him one day I thought as I stared into his red eyes, his blonde hair was a bit a mess but yet it made him look as handsome, he was a neat fella.
" Jonathan, you don't have to tell me that you are done with me, I already know it, and although I am supposed to be feeling sorry for myself but hell no, I have lost touch to all my emotions, to be honest I am also done with this" I tried to maintain my tone, but the tears in my eyes were nothing I could hold back. Of course my feelings were not lost, I could still feel the pang of the pain in my heart. All that I was is now nothing and every effort to bring me back to track won't work, I was fade up.
I took off his hand that he kept on my shoulder; it was time I left the facility. I stared at his eyes one more time, a tear dripping down my left eye. I could feel his sorrow but his surely couldn't add word, it was the right decision to take.
"Thank you, Jona" I said as wiped my tear with the back of my coat. I then started walking towards the exit, I could feel all the crew staring at me, I could even imagine their thoughts, I guess that black fat fella thought he's had enough of the non-paying jobs and he's happy I am quitting. Just to make him feel my thoughts too I raised my middle finger to him as I walked out the room. I could feel his amusement behind my back.
The sun was not as bright as I thought it was, " I guess it got tired too", I thought as I walked towards my car.  I exhaled deeply while in the car, all my emotions were finally catching up with me. It still felt like yesterday when I basked in the glory of my fame and success, how did I get to this?. Jonathan's words still echoed my mind and I was totally in agreement to his words, I am a lost flare.
"Lets go home sally", I said as I turned on my car, the last one I had, to be honest it was still mine because I could not find a buyer for such an old engine. The engine burst into life slowly as it responded to the flick of the key.
The drive home did not take long, it was more sad than it usually is. Having lost my courage to acting felt like the end of my life. I parked sally just where I usually park it, closer to the door of my motel room. My cell phone rang as I stepped out of the car, it was Celine, the news reporter and my ex-lover. I resisted the urge to receive it, I wasn't in the mood to be reminded how much of a jerk I was in the past, I still am and constant reminding was not helping especially from her. "She was full of shit her self" I told myself that to make myself feel better, but it wasn't the truth, she was a pure soul and I made her darker. Her phone call made me remember the day we broke up, she had to leave honestly I couldn't even stand myself.
"More salt to the wound, well done Celine", I said not noticing an old woman who was getting into her silver lexus.
"Take it easy son" she said as I slammed my car door close. Mrs. Bill was my neighbor, she was retired and lost all her family in car bomb incident in 2007, the government said it was a terrorist attack. She lived a lonely life since then and left her house to live in a motel to avoid the ghosts and the memories of her family, She has in fact been a very helpful neighbor, she has constantly been paying for my motel expenses for the last six months and I thank her for it.
"It was time I ended my life and take myself off the burden list of this poor woman". I thought to myself as I smiled back at her.
"You got it Mrs. Bill" I replied as I turned to face her. She was wearing a black gown and with a blue ribbon around her waist, showing off her already lost girlish figure, she also had on black designer shoes. Although she was turning 58, she still had her lady like touch; she had made up her face with the right colors to complement her outfit.
"Where you going today, the usual?", I managed to say as I was feeling over whelmed by my thoughts. I still had to act normal so as not to raise any concerns from her.
"Yeah, but today I am also meeting the widow women, we are going to the beach today" she said and could not hide her excitement, and it made her look girly again, she was a master peace in her youth I thought.
"Go have fun, you deserve it" I told her as I mustered up a smile. It was sincere from my side, I was happy she was finally getting her smile back. She giggled as she got into her luxury car. I walked to my room slowly, I turned the door knob to open the door but it didn't open.
"keys" I thought, they must be in the car. I walked back to my car and right before I reached it my phone rang again, it was Celine. I ignored it again, but my nose picked up a scent I was familiar with and it reminded me of her. It wasn't long before I heard her voice,
"Hey Fred, why won't you pick up?", She asked, her authoritative voice was quite clear about her disappointment.  I was compelled to reply but I was at a loss for words. It was hard to absorb.
"How did she get here, why is he even here?" I thought to myself as I stared at her, she was dressed in her usual reporter outfit, a black short dress, light blue shirt with the words " neon media" and black medium height heel shoes. Her black hair tied back into a pony tail and her lips covered with a nude color coating, it fit her perfectly.
"At least speak something", she said as she walked closer to me. Her voice shook me out of my thoughts.
"Hey Celine, I am sorry but I couldn't pick up as you can see I am .... " she cut me off before I could make the unreasonable excuse.
"Fred, I have been here for like an hour and I have seen you ignore my first and second call" she said, raising her left eye eyebrow, "she still got it" I thought again. Her complaining was usual and normal to me, but there was something in her voice that was quite odd today. She cared and she radiated disappointment, as if she cares, "wait, she cares today, why" I thought again and this time she noticed my confusion.
"Listen Fred, let's cut to the chase, I have been thinking and I basically think you deserve one more chance. I will offer you a chance at my TV show. And lets see if we can spark back your career" she told me as she handed me a card. I gave out my hand hesitantly, I took the card and I read it, It had the address to her office and the time for the show. I was a very nice offer but it is late. I had already made up my mind  about quitting once and for all.
She noticed my numbness and my lack of excitement and emotions, " Is this not what you wanted Fred?" she asked, puzzled.
I cleared my throat, I did not want to make this sound bad, "Celine, to be honest I wish this offer came to me a day earlier, I ...."
"What, but why" She cut me off again, she has not stopped her habit, its inherent to the line of work she's in.
"I have finally hit rock bottom, I am done disappointing people, not you, not Jonathan not Mrs. Bill and frankly speaking I am done disappointing myself", as I spoke, flashes of how much I have lost came back to me.
"Oh,." She said it was the first time ever that Celine was at a loss for words. She always has something to say, always.
"Yeah, that about it" I said as I took the door keys from the passenger seat. I closed the door and walked towards the door to my room. She was still there standing next to me as I unlocked the door.
"I totally understand, Fred, you have had a rough patch, we both have. I managed to stand up again, now I am married and have a family, I thought...." She suddenly paused; she noticed how much her words were hurting me over again. I never stopped loving her. It has been eating my conscience seeing her move on.
"Hey just in case, you re-think this through please reach me, just don't do anything to harm yourself" her tone was smoother this time. I nodded my head as a sign of acceptance, but I wasn't really sure I was going to revert my decision nor not harm myself, I have always contemplated death, this time it felt certain I would resort to it as a gateway it my misery.
"Bye" she said as she walked straight into her blue Mustang, the sun was almost setting and its mild rays her hair look more darker as she reached for the door. She waved at me as she set in the driver's seat, I could feel her sadness too, although in the past few months she hated me, she really never imagined I would give up on myself. I waved back and got into my dark room. I reached for the switch on the left side of the wall. The old bulb came on, lighting my neat room. Everything was in place just as I left it. Except for the body of a man lying on the floor. His blood had spread all over the carpet. There was a note on my bed, written by red ink, it read " You did this".
"Oh my God," I exclaimed, I turned around towards the door, and right before I could take a step out I felt and heard a gun shot on my chest. I fell down on my knees, holding my chest. I couldn't see who shot me, the pain was excruciating.
"Hello, death", I said as I my eyes slowly lost sight of the sun rays.
"I was lost"..