Fight for You | JJK

29

You consider yourself almost a master at holding your emotions, at least in front of others - something you haven't been unable to unlearn in all the years that you've been told to always smile and to never raise your voice and to always look pleasant and to never look weak even if you feel the exact opposite.

You gain respect that way, your parents said, something that your sensitive nature found challenging to comply with but that your need for approval allowed you to do.

You smile and take hits then hide to let it all out. But for the past week, the latter is all you do. You carry out your functions as necessary, keeping to yourself in your office then going home immediately - meals out are cancelled and attendance to parties are withdrawn.

Not even spending time with the kids at the orphanage or being with your best friends can make you feel better. The joy they give isn't enough for now when it used to be. You're unable to force a smile in front of the children because you feel like a sham, and you can't bring yourself to be with Hoseok and Yoongi because you feel so ashamed.

There's pain and humiliation and the rotten feeling of being used, of just being someone's temporary relief, something you sadly know all too well. You unraveled in front of Jungkook, bared your fears and your vulnerabilities and your weaknesses to him. You let yourself believe his words, let yourself think that there's more to you than what people assume, that you were wanted for all of you.

But he promised himself to someone else, long before you came into the picture. He had a life before you, you remind yourself, and he'll have one after you - after this assignment, after earning enough, after proving his father wrong.

And the fact that for a moment you thought that you could be part of his world, that he wanted you as much, breaks your heart.

It's hard to be around him. You feel like every time you are, you feel like crying, especially when he's trying to get you to look at him, the guilty look on his face making you want to give in but you know you won't be able to handle what he'll say - whatever it is.

That photo of him and the woman is imprinted in your mind. His nickname, that familiarity, the future she talked about... They're overwhelming as they constantly play out in your head.

And so seeing him here, at the music store - your safe place with the people you've missed - tears you inside.

You're left with no choice but to look at him - a face you want out of your head but one you're desperate to see. He says your name, his pleading voice tempting and heartbreaking at the same time. You want to speak but nothing comes out, afraid that you'll break down if you do.

So you turn around and head for the car door but Jungkook overtakes you and stands in front of it, eyes begging you to look at him again but you don't.

"Soo-ah isn't my girlfriend. Not anymore," he frantically starts, aiming to let everything out with the small window he's given.

"You know me, I had nothing. I couldn't give her anything. I came to Seoul to earn and be better than my dad but also so I could give her the life she always wanted. We haven't been together in years. I was supposed to go back to her after I've saved up, that was the plan. But—"

"I'm not part of your plan so I don't see why this concerns me," you respond coldly.

"It does, because you are why it changed. I don't wanna be with her, ___. You're the first person to make me feel like—"

"You're just guilty, Jungkook." You turn to him and let your defenses falter a little. "It happens. I would be. I mean, you made me believe that you felt something when you didn't. Because you kept this all from me and just stood there like it was nothing, like I was nothing."

"Don't say that didn't mean anything," he insists.

"What, so now it does?"

"That was real. I felt it; I know you did, too."

"It was one time. It won't happen again," you sigh in resignation. "I'm tired, Jungkook. I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't..." You tremble. "Let's just forget it ever happened."

"No, ___. I can't do that. I don't want to," he claims.

"It's for the best, Jungkook. It's easier this way," you say, as you move past him to open the door with your hand on the handle, but his voice stops you again.

"If it is then why can't I stop thinking about you? About that night? That day? Why do I keep imagining how you looked and felt so close to me? Why do I keep wondering how you're doing? If you're sheltered from the rain. If you're getting enough rest. If you had a nightmare again and if you had someone to hold you when you were scared."

You hear his voice crack.

"If this is for the best then why does it hurt this much? Why do I want you this much?"

They're the words you've been wanting to hear from him because they're what you want to tell him. You miss him. You want him. But you can't get yourself to say them because you're hurting too much. So you lie.

"It's the best for me. I think I deserve that." Then you enter the car and shut the door.

"___, please," Jungkook begs, the tears in his eyes a foreign feeling. "You have to believe me."

Namjoon, who'd been standing at the side and heard what just transpired, walks over to Jungkook.

"Hey, hey," he says with a kind of pained softness in his voice. "She's hurt. You know she's been hurt too many times. Just give her some time, okay?"

From inside the car, you can make out Jungkook's quivering lips as Namjoon talks to him, your current bodyguard patting your former bodyguard seemingly out of comfort.

With sullen eyes and a clenched jaw, there's a kind of resignation on Jungkook's face you've never seen before, and suddenly, this pains you even more.

**

Mrs. Hwang folds your last piece of clothing and neatly lays it on your stuffed luggage bag, one of three that you'll be bringing to your 2-week trip to Europe.

It was initially 1 week - a business conference in London, fashion week in Milan, and a wedding in Tuscany. But the morning after you ran out of Jungkook's apartment, you impulsively planned a trip to Sardinia to extend your stay to try to have a peace of mind, knowing that the clear blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea will give you that.

"I'll have Namjoon and Mr. Sim load these in the car," Mrs. Hwang smiles, then heads out the door, leaving you with your two best friends, with Hoseok hugging you from behind.

"We're sorry we can't go with you," he pouts. "But I think you need time for yourself, you know? You've gone through so much and being on your own for a while will be good."

"It might, I guess," you respond.

"It will," Yoongi assures. "So do us a favor and relax there, alright? Just block out all the negative thoughts and focus on what makes you happy - whatever or whoever that may be."

"He's gonna miss you so much and will call you everyday while you're away," Hoseok laughs, referring to your other friend.

"I know! Do you think he'll cry?" You tease, earning you a scowl from Yoongi.

It's been a running joke between you and Hoseok that Yoongi, despite being the less affectionate best friend, is actually the more emotional one. He cried everyday for a week when you left for London to study, you've been told, but he never confirmed it.

"Are you sure it's me and not you?" He counters.

"I've used up all my tears, Yoongs. I've got nothing left," you sigh. "But it doesn't matter. I'll just enjoy Italy and guilt trip you both for bailing out on me."

"We promise we'll join you next time, anywhere you want. I'll even leave the hotel room for you," he cracks a smile.

"There we go," you giggle. "Now come here and give me a hug."

Yoongi complies and joins the sandwich hug, something you get your best friends to do for you because like they always say, you're their baby, their little warrior princess.