Fight for You | JJK

40

It's you this time who builds a wall so high up that you can't see anyone calling your attention on the other side.

You preoccupy yourself with work for the next couple of days, pouring everything into it, from end-of-year projects to the sponsorship program design and launch. You skip your cafe runs and head straight to the office and stay there for the next 12-14 hours, as you squeeze in your meetings during the day and work on other things during the evening.

You shrug off others' concerns of you not getting enough rest; you nod at their advice to take a break, and you smile through their assurances that they're there should you need someone to talk to.

You don't let your mind wander to Jungkook, as the thought of him - his face, his words, his inaction - causes a pang in your chest.

It's three days later when you see him for the first time since being at your father's office. Clad in your trenchcoat and sporting sullen eyes and a face that's lost its shine, you head out the elevator across from where he does as he escorts your father to the lobby.

You bow to him and he gives you a stern look as if in warning and you don't even spare Jungkook a glance, and this continues for the rest of the week when you'd briefly see him around the office.

You don't respond to his messages, either.

You're giving him time, you tell yourself. You thought that fighting through this together was a given but you suppose that's the selfish part of you that's talking; he did say he has more to lose and you try to understand where he's coming from. It just hurts to think that he needs time to think when it comes to losing you, too.

Your best friends, Namjoon, Mr. Sim, and Mrs. Hwang don't know any more than your father finding out and you letting Jungkook think his options through. It's your cop out answer but when they try to comfort you by saying you'll work it out, you shrug in response because right now, you really don't know if you would.

**

Jungkook's mind is a mess and like how he tends to be when things aren't alright with you, he doesn't know what to do.

It had been easier before, he thinks now. After you learned about Soo-ah and ran out his door, the most important thing for him was to talk to you, tell you his side, let you know he's sorry and that contrary to what you thought, he really wanted you.

But he doesn't know what to say this time around.

You'd admitted to him, in the presence of your father, that you don't want anyone else but him, that you love him, and that certainty scared him.

You have the privilege to be certain; he doesn't. You'd known from the very beginning what you wanted from him, what you could give him, but he doesn't.

With Soo-ah, who didn't have much, Jungkook tried to give her everything. But even after all the years of hard work, of holding out for her, of hoping and waiting and ensuring that the love they had for each other when they were younger wouldn't die, he didn't feel like he was enough. He didn't feel like he could give her what she wanted, whether it was money or something more.

And now with you, the woman who has everything, he still feels that way.

Maybe it's really him. Maybe he just isn't meant for this. Maybe he just isn't made to love. Maybe that's the irony - he could give what he can, give all of himself - his time, his body - yet he still doesn't know how to love. Or maybe, he doesn't think he's worthy of it in the first place.

And it's you at the end of it, hurting because of him.

**

It's Sunday morning and you still haven't returned any of Jungkook's calls or texts. Usually by this time, he's already in the car with you on the way to the orphanage.