wilting roses

124

sometimes i think i am too self aware
I know why my brain is like this
I know why my trauma was traumatic
I've analyzed every nook and cranny
I know every reason
every catalyst
every chemical imbalance
and some people would say
this is a good thing
but sometimes it's not
knowing every way my brain ticks
and why it ticks
and knowing every wrong thing
and why it is wrong and why it happened
and that no matter what I could do
or what I could've done
it wouldn't change
is too much to bear.
I can't be ignorant
I can't pretend that I don't know
what's wrong in the world
that I don't know what's wrong with me
or why everything is wrong with me
I can't even believe in god anymore.
I've analyzed and scrutinized
every part of my faith
and all I see are lies and fakes and fallacy
In catholic school they tell you
that everyone has a cross to bear
is this my cross?
is this my golden suffering?
is this my burden to carry to golgatha
and be crucified on?
if so where is my Simon
where is my Jesus
where is this god full of false promises
where are all the doctors
the therapists, the psychiatrists
that told me they could help me?
why don't my meds work?
why don't my breathing exercises work?
how many numbers will it take to breathe easy?
i know all the answers that I don't want to hear
and yet I can't stop hearing them in my head
this is a trauma in itself
and I hate that I know that
I hate that I know everything
because I know everything
and it's too much.

—self-aware