confusion

9/10/22

dear ◾️◾️◾️◾️◾️

i'm going to say a couple things that myself one year ago would've never dared to say.

i don't know how you feel. god, i wish i could read your mind, because playing this game with you is driving me insane.

some days i'm constantly thinking about you, but some days you don't even cross my mind.

do i like you? or are you just my friend?

do i really like you, or just the idea of someone like you?

how do i tell?

i don't think any amount of google searches or advice from my friends will ever get me to fully understand my feelings for you. they're that complicated.

i don't know why im writing this. i've never been the kind of person to trauma dump through email.

but i needed someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me for every word i say. i guess the only kind of person that exists like that is myself.

i met you again today after over six months of not seeing you. you got much taller. your face structure changed just a bit - you look more like a teenager and less like a child now. your voice got deeper. i guess i can say i loved it all.

did i change? do i look more mature? more like those perfect girls at my school that i want to look like?

we dated for a while. i don't know how. someone like me with someone like you? it was never meant to be. i only broke it off with you because i knew i wasn't enough for you. you're so athletic, so tall, so fun. and i'm none of those things. it seemed like such a good decision to end it all then, but i think i forgot really how happy you make me.

i want to get back together, but i don't know how i'm going to come crawling back to you after all the shit i've said about you to my friends.

i want to get back together, but what does that even mean? will we go back to just acting like really good friends, or will we really try to make it work?

aren't we too young?

i saw this adorable couple downtown this evening. they were kissing, leaning against the wall of an empty store, looking completely in love with each other. there was so many people passing by them, but they didn't seem to care. it was just them.

i long for that sort of relationship with someone. but should i wait? am i just touch-starved? is there a certain age that one should reach to be able to say "i love you" to someone?

do i love you?

probably not.

what does love feel like?

so many questions, and so little answers. if there's one thing i long for in this world, it's clarity. nothing is highlighted for you, you just have to find your way through. it's what i hate about reality.

speaking of reality,

leaving your house today felt terrible. when i'm with you i feel like i'm on a high, like i'm never going to come down. euphoria. but my heart drops when my dad tells me "alright, i think we should get going," and looks at me. i always force a nod as nonchalantly as possible, as if i don't care.

but i do care. so much.

the empty feeling that fills me when i leave you makes me long for a hug.

i know this is a long one, and i'm sorry. but this is the last thing on my mind tonight.

how would it feel to touch you? not in a weird way, completely topical, i promise. skin to skin contact. i've always wanted to play with your hair, give you a hug. hell, right now i'd settle for a handshake. i've always wanted to touch you.

your knee has never brushed up against mine. your hand has never held mine. we've always kept our distance from each other. perhaps because there are people around us.

but what if we were alone?

just us two? we wouldn't do anything inappropriate, i know. would we just talk, sitting on opposite sides of the room? would we stay silent, basking in the comfort of quiet? or would we be closer, maybe taking a nap, your arm wrapped over my waist, our legs tangled together as we fall deep into the void of sleep?

that's what i want.

so bad.

i want you

love, ◾️◾️◾️◾️◾️◾️◾️