Besitos

11

The worst part of any tour has got to be the crazy emotions that we experience. Last year I remember going through a two week funk where all I could do was perform, eat, then sleep. Even that was hard at times. Our bodies and minds just get exhausted after awhile and we kind of just ...break.

After tonight's show that's how I feel. I'm in another low tide. I've felt it coming for awhile now honestly, I just wasn't expecting it to hit this hard. But then again, the lows only feel this low when you in it. When you're out you look back and wonder why you were so worried, you convince yourself that you've never really felt that way before even. I think that's one of the most human things ever. We feel our present emotions and forget our past ones. 

My phone starts to ring pulling me from my thoughts. I wipe the tears from my face and look at my phone screen. Its Vic. We're not travelling tonight so everyone is at some bar downtown so I assume he's calling to see why I'm not joining the nights festivities. I cant be bothered to answer it though, so I send it to my voicemail.

Almost instantly my phones screen changes to the incoming call screen, again from Vic. Again, I send it to voicemail.

Currently the only thing I want to hear is my music from a playlist I called 'Saddest Songs Around.' I know it sounds dramatic, but its just how I'm feeling. I'm just sad. I'm tired. I'm - 

The sound of the bus doors opening cuts off my sad inner monologue. 

"Wren?" a voice calls out into the dark bus. Its Vic's voice. Great. I don't want him to see me like this. He thinks Im fun or whatever, not a giant fucking cry baby.

"Wren? You here?" he calls again into the bus, his voice getting closer to the back of the bus as he walks through it.

The lights start to come on in the bus much to my demise. For a second I consider acting like I'm not here or even asleep, but I'm in the back so I'm trapped and with the way my face looks right now its clear that I wouldn't have been sleeping seconds ago. It seems like hes going to see me like this after all.

"Yeah." I say, my voice monotone. "I'm in the back."

Subconsciously I pick up one of the pillows nearby and clutch it to my chest. I know its not protection or anything, but right now its the best thing I have to put distance between Vic and me because God knows I don't want to be this vulnerable with him. 

"Hey!" Vic says as he gets to the back. "How come you're not -" 

He stops midsentence when he sees me sitting there in my giant hoodie, my tear stained faced and me clutching a tiny pillow. He stands there and studies me for a solid five seconds without saying anything. Then much to my surprise, he sits down beside me, putting one arm around me, his hand gently moving my head to his shoulder.

"Whats going on?" he asks in the softest voice I've ever heard him use.

I said I was going to be strong but as soon as he says that, I break. Tears flood my eyes, spilling over instantly and warmly against my cheek. My breathing gets shaky and little cries escape my lips before I can stop them. 

Vic gently readjusts us so that I'm pretty much completely in his arms now which for some reason makes me cry a little harder. He strokes my hair as I cry, not saying a word the entire time. 

"I'm sorry." I say between cries and sniffles. 

"Hey, you don't have to be sorry." he says in that soft, caring voice. "Do you want to tell me whats going on?"

"Its stupid." I say as I pull back from him. I use the back of my hoodies sleeve to wipe my eyes then nose. "Its just ...I'm just ... I'm tired." I say then take a giant shaky breath. "I'm exhausted from this tour and we're not even halfway done it."