Besitos

22

Despite the fact that everything is going well with Luke and I, I can't help thinking about what Tony said. People miss me. People. He doesn't have to say who, I know that he means Vic. And he said miss me, not missed, meaning he still misses me.

I feel so guilty for thinking this. I keep hoping to run into Vic while I'm out. I look around every time I'm somewhere, hoping to look over and see him, and he'd be looking back at me and then we'd be together just like we used to be back when we had fun and it felt amazing to be together, like the world was on fire.

When I'm not thinking of Vic, I'm thinking of the fact that my old band is playing a show five minutes from my place right now. One part of me wants to go so badly. It would be great to see Lila and Mac. Then I think too much and want to throw up at the idea of seeing them again.

Luke is out of town this weekend so its not like I have anything else going on. Even though I've been living here for awhile I haven't really made any friends. I rarely go out at night because I've had so much experience with the nightlife already that I don't feel the need to go and do that anymore.

So before I can convince myself not to, I find myself at the end of their set, right as everyone else is walking away, I walk against them to get to their bus nearby. I know by now that Ray has already talked to them and is now on his way to do whatever it is he does after our sets. I'm not worried about seeing him, I'm now just worried about them.

I wish I was wearing a hoodie right now so I can shove my hands in my pockets to hide my fidgeting, but all I have is one of Luke's white shirts over my black tank top. Even my jean shorts don't have pockets, so I'm unlucky there.

The bus doors open and out comes Mac. His hair is a little longer now and he even looks more toned, like he's working out. Right behind him trails Lila, her hand is his. She looks great too, she seems more free, more alive.

I stop in my tracks. If I turn now, they wont see me and we can go out separate ways and not deal with this. But before I get the chance to back away, Lila turns her head and her gaze locks with mine. I stand there frozen to the spot, waiting for her reaction. Is she going to pretend she doesn't see me? Is she going to yell at me?

Instead, a huge grin spreads onto her face and she rushes over to me. Her hug hits me so hard that it throws both of us off balance.

"Holy shit, Wren!" she yells against me. "I can't believe it."

We stand like that for a good minute, both of us holding on tightly. Mac makes his way over to us, an unshakeable smile on his face.

She pulls back from me but leaves both her hands on my shoulders, as if when she lets go she's scared I'll disappear again.

"I'm so glad you're okay." she gushes. "God, Wren, we were so worried! I thought you had like died."

"Its so good to see you." Mac says and brings both Lila and I in for a hug.

This makes me feel so warm inside. Warmer than I've felt and more comfortable than ever. It feels like home.

"Dude your hair!" Lila says and fluffs the ends of my hair up a little. "I've never seen it short. It looks amazing. You look great in general."

"You do." Mac agrees. "You look ... alive."

It almost makes me cry hearing them say that. I guess while I was in the tour I didn't realize how tired and overworked I felt. But now I feel good again, I feel free and calm and warm and I love the fact that it shows.

"Come on, lets head to the bus." Lila says. "No one else is there so we can really talk."

Walking onto the bus is such a weird feeling. I'm hit with the feeling of being home, being back where I belong, but its mixed with a little dread.

"So what're you doing in Cali?" Lila asks as we sit in the back.

"I live here." I respond. "I moved here about two weeks after I left the tour."

Lila and Mac exchange a quick glance between each other.

"So, I know its like a sore subject, I guess." Mac starts. "But we've been dying to know. Why'd you leave?"

I blow out a big breath of air, bringing my knees to my chest like a little comfort shield.

"There was a lot going on." I say. "With Vic, with you guys, with Ray. Just with everyone."

"You left because of us?" Mac asks.

"No, because of me." Lila says quickly. "I was really shitty in that situation. I was pissed about you guys, Wren, but I never wanted you to leave."

"It wasn't because of you, Li." I say sincerely. "Everything was going on and then you found out about Mac and I and that was just the final reason for me. I was fine with Vic and Ray being pissed, but I couldn't stand the fact that my own band was falling apart too."

"I'm sure Vic would've understood if you just spoke with him." Lila says. "Like I was pissed but then we talked it out and I was better."

I shake my head at her. "I tried. He wanted nothing to do with me. With everything going with on with Ray, I was already having a hard enough time as -"

"What was going on with Ray?" Mac asks. He already looks pissed off, and by the way Ray was with us, I don't blame him.

"I don't really know how to say it." I say quietly.

I want to ask them if they were targeted by him or if they felt any backlash but I also don't want to bring any problem to them if theres nothing going on with Ray. Why would I ruin their relationship with him if its working well since I'm gone.

"Wren?" Lila asks looking worried. "What was going on?"

"Its not a huge deal." I say.

"It clearly is." Mac says gently. "We want to know."

"So, he wasn't like, abusive ... but he was kinda getting there? Like, one time we were fighting about me seeing Vic and I pushed him off and then he grabbed me by the hair one time and pushed me down. On the last day that I was on tour, that day I talked about his divorce, he was getting really aggressive and I was scared he was going to hurt me but Vic heard him yelling at me and intervened." I glance up at Lila and Mac to see their reaction and its a mix of anger and worry. 

"I couldn't do it anymore. It was never going to get better, it only would've escalated if I stayed. And then you texted me about Lila about how she was pissed about us, and I just fucking left. It was too much."

Lila scoots closer to me and puts a hand on my leg to comfort me. "Wren you should've told us about Ray after that first time he hurt you." 

"We would've got rid of him in a fucking instant." Mac says. "Why didn't you say anything?"

I give a pathetic little shrug. "I didn't want to ruin our tour and if we got rid of Ray we would've had to drop the tour. I thought I could tough it out for the last while."

"We don't need him." Lila says. "We could've had the assistant tour manager take over. We could've found a new one. We at least could've helped you out."

"I just wasn't ready to deal with it." I admit. "I didn't talk about it at all since now. I didn't even think about you guys or the tour because it hurt too much."

"Dude, we're your people, even when we're mad. Even when you weren't on tour there wasn't a day that we didn't think about you." Lila says.

I try so hard to keep the tears in, but hearing her say this makes me lose all willpower to not cry. Instantly I hide my face behind my sleeve, but Lila pulls it away and brings me into a tight hug.

"You don't need to be scared anymore, we'll take care of it." Mac says.

"We'd fix any problem for you, no matter what. You know that right?" Lila says.

I nod. "I know."

"Perfect." Lila says. "Now lets go deal with this problem.