MY JOURNEY HOME: 2022

Sep 2022

I read a quote today, there are no limits to how good it can get, and I thought the opposite is also true, there are no limits to how bad it can get. When it's all said and done, I hope I don't forget these days, these long days that seem to have no end. I hope I remember how I felt, so down low, defeated, tired, and exhausted. When I dragged myself through the day, when I collected myself and kept going. When my voice retreated inside, when I didn't know who I saw in the mirror. These days where I have to pinch myself just to check if I was in reality. When I have nothing to say to anyone. I was alone, I have been alone. I pray I don't forget how it feels, when I am out of here, I want to remember her. The her that went through it, because she is me and only God knows what it takes.
Today I don't want to hear any encouragement or inspiration, I just want to sit in my feelings.
I don't want to talk to anyone, not even my loved ones. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to listen to anyone, I'm finding it rather bothersome. I know all too well this is not rational but can I just be?
Today is Wednesday, and Saturday seems so far away. I have nobody to blame for where I am in life but myself.
I still have a lot of issues I need to work on, but later. I'm inclined to anticipate negative outcomes, where this comes from I have no idea.
If I was honest with myself, I have of late wondered if anything can justify the pain. At times like this, I worry about my faith and my Christianity. But I am not a kid anymore, I know choices have consequences and that God works within us.
How did I end up here, how do I keep walking in the same cycle for so long? Am I even who I think I am? I have made so many bad choices, who am I even? How come I, as knowledgeable and smart as I think I am, walk on the path that I've walked on? 27 years and here I am, still crying over the same issues. It is scary that the world goes on even when others are barely holding on.
I know I don't have it worse, so many people would wish to be where I am. I'm neither dead nor sick. I have all my faculties intact and my body is well and functioning. I have a million reasons to be grateful and I am, but here I am, living but not living.
I've heard, we're probably an assortment of many personalities. This must be true because I am different from time to time. I do not even recognize some of the personalities.
I long to be out of my head, this is the biggest giant I must overcome. I will be alright though, I may not feel like it but I know that God is always present with me. I know I still have a lot of fights within me, and fighting I must, it is the way of life. She's a fighter, and this too shall pass.