𝙵𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚆𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛 || 𝙰𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗 𝙱𝚞𝚝𝚕𝚎𝚛

07 - Giving In

****TW: SH****

𝙻𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚗' 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚢 𝚊𝚌𝚛𝚘𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚔

𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚒𝚗 "𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚎?"

Song Rec: Sharpener – Cavetown

-

AUSTIN

I gave in. At least with myself I did. Twice.

Both disgust and guilt pooled in my stomach. Twisting a black towel around my hips, pulled unnecessarily tight. Maybe I could squeeze out the turmoil.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, crouched over with my elbows digging into my knees. I buried my fingers within my wet locks.

How could I let myself do that? I was so disgusted with myself. She's my friend. Friends don't do that. Friends don't fuck themselves to the thought of the other. That's fucked up, right?

Although I'd be lying if I said it hadn't happened before.

-

The repulsion swirling in my gut stayed, but in a flip, it was now for a different reason. A much different set of thoughts rushed in. Instantly overwhelming. Suffocating.

My ribs began to feel strained, like they wanted to snap. A vastly worse memory saturated my mind.

I got the job.

I got the role.

Fuck.

Abruptly, there was an anaconda wrapped around my abdomen, constricting more with every breath I took. Any frigid droplets left on my skin now felt like lava.

The bedroom walls felt closer than before.

Between the fight with Nox, worrying about Elsie, whatever the fuck I felt with her and my newest fucking job, it was too much.

This was the biggest role I'd ever auditioned for and landed. The heaviest pressure I'd ever felt. It wasn't even that big of job, but the biggest I've ever had.

A competitive game of tug-of-war ensued in my mind.

You're gonna flop

They made a mistake of casting you

You're not going to be able to handle it

You're gonna have an episode and get booted off

You're gonna look like a fool

Almost as if someone had drugged me, my mind suddenly muddled. Thick fog suspended across my frontal lobe. Like my mind was there, but too far to reach. Like my body was outside of me.

My heart threatened going to rip through my chest. I knew what was coming and I needed to try and stop it. Frantically, I flattened down on the mattress to watch the ceiling. That was the only thing that never moved. The once plush cotton sheets below me now resembled steel wool.

Static prickled my fingertips, as if they had fallen asleep. My right hand wrapped into a tight fist, instinctively trying to pull feeling back into them. Nails perforated my skin as they bore into my palm.

The nerve endings all across my skin ached for something. An impulse I was unfortunately acquainted with. An ache much different from the one in the shower.