Find me in your pages | THE WATTYS 2023

Chapter 14:

Sophia and I managed to fix things between us, as friends of course. We had so much fun together and I even got to introduce her to Silvestre and the others. "So...That was your ex, huh? She seems nice." Bulong ni Lucas after namin ihatid si Sophia sa may sakayan.

"Lots of misunderstanding, and...maybe I've just had enough and fell out of love with her." Sagot ko naman habang nakaupo kami sa bench sa labas lang naman nang school. "It's better like this to be honest. We're better off without each other, she even changed positively now that I'm not around."

"But you're not at fault for everything naman, di ba?"

"Yeah...I mean we both have mistakes, even in other relationships. Hindi lang naman isang tao ang gumawa nang mali. Some are just too prideful to even accept the fact they made a mistake as well.

Minsan, may panahon na hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili kong damdamin. Ni hindi ko nga alam ang pinagkaiba nang pagkasabik sa pagkakaroon bang romantikong pagtingin. Hindi masabi kung ako ba ay natutuwa sa paligid niya, o sadyang nagpapanggap lamang sa likod ng ngiti at maskara na hindi ko maipakita. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung saan nga ba nag simula ang ganitong dinarama. "Hey Xerena, are you coming or not?" Aya ni Lucas sa akin. Ilang buwan na rin nakalilipas, siguro oras na rin para harapin kung ano man ang aking kinatatakutan. Committment? Hindi ako sigurado.

Tumayo ako mula sa aking kinauupuan, dismissal May namin noong oras na yon. "Wag mo akong englishin Lucas, baka dumugo ilong mo kapag ako na ang nagsalita." Pairap akong tumayo at sumunod sa kanya, ang hirap rin magmahal kung ako ang tatanungin. Lalo na kung hindi lalaki ang gusto kong makasama. Ewan ko ba, basta ang mahalaga sa akin ay ako'y humihinga. I never felt love towards someone romantically, but I'm not complaining.

It's been like this since then. Since too long for me to remember. Or maybe...Someone made me feel love. For the first time I felt valued. Pinahalagahan nya ako at minahal nang buo when all my life I thought no one will. After one person failed me, she came in my life unexpectedly. To be honest, falling in love with him was the most unexpected thing in my life. She made me feel something no one else was able to. The warmth. The comfort. She made me feel the love that I was longing for years. Namimiss ko na sya. Yan ang aaminin ko. Miss ko na ang kami. Maybe when time comes, she'll forget about me. Sooner or later, she'll find someone. But that thought alone makes me feel sick. She deserves it.

Siguro nga hindi para sa akin ang salitang pagibig. Pero sana may dumating pa rin na biyaya sa akin.

Sumunod ako kay Lucas paalis nang school, pupunta pa kami nang BGC for a group gathering. They're doing it for me, dahil birthday ko na din naman na next week, dad will be home and take me to Palawan for a little vacation so we're celebrating it now. "Para ka namang tanga ang bagal naman nito kumilos." Reklamo ni Lucas at agad ko naman syang sinamaan nang tingin.

"What if sipain ko yang utak mo?" Tahol ko dito habang binilisan ko na lang ang aking paglalakad. I've never had this kind of circle of friends my entire life. And honestly, it felt great.

Sumakay ako sa kotse ni Lucas at nagrelax muna sa likuran. "You look extremely tired, aren't you excited?"

"Of course I am excited! It's a celebration! Why wouldn't I be excited?"

"You just don't seem like your usual self, that's all."

"I'm just thinking about a lot of things recently that's all..." bulong ko naman sa kanya. Lucas always seem to catch up with what I feel, he might be the only person that completely sees through me and the secrets that I keep. Even on our first encounter ganito na sya. "Lucas...Do you think I still deserve to be loved?" Tanong ko dito.

"Of course. Why would you even asked that? Porket ba niloko ka, nakipagbreak ka because you're tired does that mean you don't deserve love? It doesn't work like that, Xerena." Paliwanag ni Lucas habang nilingon nya ako mula sa driver's seat. "If there's a person for you, that person will be the one to accept you regardless, and would understand you at the same time."