Find me in your pages | THE WATTYS 2023

Chapter 15:

The night was a blast. I was in a room in Syg's place, but I don't remember being here or going here while the party was on going. "Ang sakit nang ulo ko tangina naman..." Reklamo ko. I probably drank too much, and that's when I noticed someone else was in the room with me. Buti hindi sa tabi ko.

I took my time to properly wake up and that's when I saw...Nikolai. Payapang natutulog sa may upuan. "Nikolai?" Tawag ko dito at agad naman nyang minulat ang kanyang mata. But he did look very tired.

"Hey...Xerena. Didn't know you finally woke up. How was sleep—"

"Drop it. Why are you here?" Tanong ko sa kanya. Not sure if I should be mad or not.

"You called me on the phone...Lucas was even scolding you in the background for calling me, and they agreed since you really wanted to see me. That's what I heard on the other line."

What the fuck was I thinking?!

Galit na galit ako sa sarili ko nung oras na yon. I was too drunk to even know what I was doing the entire night and now I'm stuck with Nikolai here. "Get out."

"But you said—"

"Get out! Pinanganak ka bang bingi or sadyang tatanga tanga ka lang?!" Galit kong sigaw sa kanya. "I was doing fine, I was having fun but then I see your damn face the moment I wake up."

"You told me you still love me on that phone call. And I still feel the same way."

So this is what they call drunk thoughts, huh? "Pano kung sinabi kong oo mahal parin kita? If I haven't moved on from you yet? I don't want to come back in our relationship, Nikolai. Even if my heart still wants to, ako lang din ang masasaktan. Hindi naman ako tanga, Niko."

"You really mean it? Na hindi ka na babalik?"

"Even if my heart longs for you, I don't want to. After what happened. Now please...Just...Go." I weakly whispered habang tinutulak sya palayo. I always wanted to follow my brain more than my heart. Tears started flowing down on my cheeks, almost endlessly as I watched him turn his back against me.

Like what he did on that day.

He left the room at nakita ko naman si cleo, holding some snacks from outside the door, maybe it was for me. "Xerena are you okay?" Alalang tanong nito sa akin pagkapasok nya nang kwarto.

"No." Tipid at wala sa mood kong sagot dito. Nikolai ruined the night for me.

"He was here. We tried to stop you from calling him...But you insisted." Bulong ni Cleo bago sya tumabi sa akin and offered some snacks. "So we made him come over so you can calm down, and he did calm you down. He even carried you here when you passed out."

"I hate that guy so much—"

"Nothing will happen if you keep on denying what you feel. You'll only get stuck in that same place you hate, Xerena."

"How am I even supposed to face this then?"

"Admit to yourself that you still love Nikolai. That your heart still wants him...in that way, you're slowly setting yourself free but slowly." Her words hit me like crashing waves. I didn't want to admit it but what she was saying was true. Mahal ko pa talaga si Nikolai.

Mahal na mahal.

Natahimik ako nang sandali habang napapaisip. Is this really what it takes to let go of someone? "I'll be with you along the way, Xerena. So you can have someone to vent out your feelings to whenever things become unbearable. When your thoughts overflow...I'll be your emotional support."

"I don't want to use you for that, or anyone. I can handle this myself, Cleo. I did this before already."

She stopped talking for a while after that. But I know deep down that she wanted me to accept that offer. "If things get out of hand, I'm always here. I hope you'll remember that." Ulit nya before she left the tray filled with snacks just beside me. "I made these for you pala. You should eat..."