Fatal Affair

Chapter 16: Guilt

Nova sat at the kitchen island, watching the dishes magically wash themselves. It was empty and quiet, which is what she preferred. She cradled her fifth drink of the night, trying to drink the guilt away. 

She poured herself a sixth, a seventh, and the eight she downed in one large gulp. The courage started in the pit of her stomach, growing larger, spreading to her chest and arms. When the courage reached her legs, she managed to stand, letting them guide her to where she thought Lucius might be. 

She found him working in his office, the door unlocked, almost as if the room had an open invitation addressed only to her, like the room knew she would be arriving. 

"Nova," Lucius said, not at all surprised. 

Nova shut the office door with force, the sound echoing against the walls of the manor. 

"Why can't I stop thinking about you?" Nova asked, more to herself than to Lucius.

"I have that effect on women." Lucius smirked.

"I'm being serious, Lucius," Nova said, letting the alcohol fuel her words. "It's driving me crazy." 

"Come here, love." 

Nova walked towards him and he pulled her down on his lap. 

He brought his lips close to hers, she could almost taste him. Nova closed her eyes. "Have you ever considered," Lucius whispered, "that there is some darkness within you, driving your actions." 

Nova's eyes snapped open. "What?" 

"I possess that darkness too," Lucius continued. "Let our darknesses feed off of each other. There is nothing wrong in that, love." Lucius tucked a loose strand of hair behind Nova's ear. 

He kissed her delicately and she leaned into the kiss. "Your wife-" Nova mumbled with his lips on hers. 

Lucius kissed her neck. "My wife barely see's me." His hands slipped up her thigh, under the skirt that she was wearing. "Unlike you, Nova. You see me. You touch me. No one can deny me this. If I want you, Nova, I will have you." 

Lucius kissed her aggressively and her hands fumbled with his belt, feeling the heat curl in the pit of her stomach. He reached for her hands, stopping her. He broke apart from the kiss.

"Not tonight, love," Lucius said. 

"Why not?" Nova asked, annoyed. 

"Severus is around," Lucius said, casually setting Nova on her feet. "He seems quite protective of you. I'm not in the mood to deal with him, tonight." 

"You're more afraid of Severus finding out than your wife?" 

"Afraid? I am not afraid of anyone. Severus is simply more than I can handle after everything that has happened today." Nova crossed her arms over her chest, anger replacing the heat in her stomach. Lucius grabbed a quill and started to write something down. "Besides, love," he said without looking up at Nova, "I can smell the alcohol from here." 

"You're unbelievable," Nova said before turning and leaving his office in a huff. 

She ran into Narcissa and Severus, who were going in the direction of Lucius's office. Nova's pulse quickened, realization dawning on how badly tonight could have turned out. 

"Are you feeling better, dear?" Narcissa asked in her soft voice.

"I am," Nova said, even though the nausea started returning. "Thank you."

"If there's anything I can do, you'll let me know?" Narcissa rested a gentle hand on her arm. Nova felt the bile wanting to rise from her stomach. 

"I'm sorry." The alcohol made it difficult to think.

"About what?" 

"What am I doing?" Nova asked herself out loud, steadying her balance by gripping the wall.

"Are you OK?" Narcissa asked, concern in her voice. 

"Nova?" Severus chimed in. 

The room spun, and Nova could no longer decipher whether it was the alcohol or the guilt, or both. "I need air," she whispered. 

She pushed through Severus and Narcissa, making her way across the long hall, turning a corner, and bursting through the balcony doors. 

She stood at the edge of the balcony, the cold wind wiping across her face. Everything seemed to be going so fast, she couldn't think straight. She breathed in the night's air, peering into the darkness. She sucked in an unsteady breath, trying not to throw up. Despite everything, she still craved Lucius, she still wanted to feel his hands on her body, and she hated herself for it.

She thought about what he had said and wondered whether there actually was darkness within her, that maybe Dumbledore had picked her for this because he saw that darkness. What else could explain how easy it was for her to pretend to be a Death Eater, how easy it was for her to sleep with a married man? 

Severus came up next to her, looking at her sideways. 

"What's wrong with me, Severus?" she asked, looking out onto the horizon. She felt out of control.

"If you are speaking about tonight, I think you drank too much," Severus offered. "However, if you mean in general, the list is too long for me to say." 

"You're such an ass," Nova laughed.

A part of her wanted to confide in Severus but knew he might lash out. Lucius was right, he could be protective when he wanted too. Instead, she simply enjoyed his company, which was giving herself a break from her own mind. 

"You need to think about what you're doing here," Severus said. "What your priorities are, your goals." 

"I feel like I lost sight of all that," Nova admitted. 

"You need to stay safe, Nova," Severus said. 

"This job doesn't allow me to stay safe, Severus." 

Severus turned his body towards her, face serious. "Then let me in." 

"You're the one that's closed off." Nova turned towards Severus. "I know nothing about you." 

"It's better that way, Nova," Severus said, his black hair dancing in the wind. 

Nova sighed. "Why are you still here?" 

"I don't think I should leave you right now," Severus answered. "I'm worried about where you might go if I leave." 

Nova considered this for a moment, alcohol still fuelling her actions, her decisions. With one quick step, she wrapped her arms around Severus's neck, kissing him deeply. For a moment, he kissed her back. For a single moment, they got lost in each other, in what might have been.  

"Stop," Severus muttered, holding onto her waist. Nova stopped kissing him, burying her face in his chest. "This isn't what you want." 

"You don't know what I want," she mumbled. 

"You're so very drunk right now," he said. "I don't think you even know what you want." 

He wrapped his arms around her protectively, and before Nova could process what he was doing, they apparated away.