Left out

Wonderful

!!!!!Warming talk about self harm and dark thoughts!!!!!
I lay beside Justin on his bed like nothing had change no time had passed. "So your boyfriend" "not actually my boyfriend I'm just being a good friend" he nods "the girls at dance" "still bitches it's worse now I almost didn't dance" "that why your whole gang was there isn't it" gang meaning all my friends. I sigh "yeah they practically forced me also said if I didn't win they would leave me there" he smiles "you should have called me" "you weren't answering and I kept missing your calls" I sigh "I don't dance at the studio anymore" "what but you said" "school Justie it just got really bad Eva still is my dance teacher" "how bad is it" tears build in my eyes. How was he the only one to bring this out of me, everyone else I can hide it from. "Bad I" he sat up looking at me I couldn't though. He has a kid on the way. "I'll come to dance with you" "as good as that is I'm at a different studio it's fine there I think feel I feel like my entire life has been leading to this and it's such a horrible place" I said I wanted to give him enough to satisfy him but not enough for him questions.

I had left Justin claiming I had dance practice. Now I'm sitting alone at the random abandon building we always go to. Think Justin took my first than I brought my friends. Everyone kinda just comes here, it's not exactly a secret either. I felt so much pain all the time.

I make sure to hide the remanence of what I was doing. "Thought you might be here...don't worry I told them you were with me" Erin said sitting beside me. I barely acknowledge her. "Wanna talk about it" "not really" she hands me a bottle of alcohol "don't act like you don't drink...I seen what's in your dance bag don't worry I won't tell yet" "why I thought you were in the mature adult now" she smiles sipping from her bottle "something tells me you need it" I nod sipping on my own drink.

We had drank in silence. I think I'm starting to have a drinking problem. I mean I'm feeling nothing and I have drank the top bit of this bottle of whiskey. "I think something is wrong with me" "your talking to the wrong person if you want advice" "I'm broken Erin and I don't I don't want anyone to be disappointed" I was walking around. Probably not the best idea to be rambling, drinking and walking around a fire. That however is something for hindsight. "I think I have a drinking problem" "welcome to the club what's next" "I hate myself I burn myself" I sigh falling to the floor barely missing falling into the fire "I never felt a mothers love until I was eight" she looks at me confused "I was three when Lexi got sick I moved in with Camille and Hank Camille didn't want to step on toes but treated me kindly I don't know what changed when I was eight" I had tears in my eyes as I take a huge gulp from the bottle. I'm just thankful she won't remember "I'm failing at dancing those girls are right" I lay down staring at the starless sky. "I urn for love and things to be grand" "I never felt a mothers love I was always pulling my off the floor" I sigh looking at her as she lays beside me "never had a dad as loving as you have and you have two you also have a loving brother who's worried" "you know I had a crush on him since I was thirteen well if we want to be technical I had one since I was two I told him I would marry him...I told everyone I would marry him, i stopped probably when I was seven or eight after someone told me it was weird they didn't know how he could be my brother but not at the same time" "you do have a complicated family tree" "we your part of that to even if it isn't by blood the Voights really love us strays" "you have Al" "doesn't change anything" "do you have Lexi" "sometimes I don't know she was always wrapped in cotton wool she was experiencing different things I think I truely met her for the first time when I was six we were at different stages despite being so close in age" "I had a brother I still technically do I just don't know him really" "it's super annoying seeing her at school and being strangers basically so" I shrug "should we go" she questioned "no I've slept here before" she nods "same I use to sleep here all the time" "his having a baby" there was genuine pain in my voice "I know" she squeezes my hand making me smile at her "your not so bad Erin your actually pretty awesome" "your not so bad yourself want to dance for me" I laugh shaking my head "I only dance to win now it lost it's beauty I don't know how to get that back either" i sigh "you Will your brilliant" I just smile at her.

I ended up sleeping at Erin's. I don't remember how the two of us got here but we did. I was severely hungover but it wasn't the first time. I had left early, the fear she would remember and bring something up. I didn't want to talk if I did I probably would have told Justin. Then again the last thing I want is for him to know so I don't know.

"Fancy seeing you here" Toby mused walking over. He may be a terrifying giant to most but he was my friend. "What's going on" he questioned sitting beside me. I glance at him "think you could guess" "I could but I'd much rather hear it from you" he mused "Theo told me" he said making me sigh and nod. She was the one person who probably knew most of not all of what's going on. I knew she would never get personal. "Allie" he sighs our swings now moving in tandem. "She didn't have to tell me I can see it" I look at him "I told you how bad it was at home why can't you tell me what's going on...your everyone's personal therapist but when you have problems you shut down" I sigh "you want to die don't you probably cause yourself pain I can see the look being there makes it easier to notice" he said I felt like he had just bombed my precious armour. "Your wrong your pushing your problems onto me and that's not ok. I'm fine I honestly don't know why your doing this" I snap getting up storming away.

When I had cooled down and was far enough away he couldn't see me, I instantly felt bad. I collapse against a tree crying. I didn't know what to do. The little voice in my head telling me the world would be better off if I was dead. I could feel my friends drifting away, I didn't know if that was me pushing them away or not. I had been alone my whole life. Granted I had Justin and Hank and my dad and Camille making better but they aren't enough not anymore.

I stare at the scars I had put in my body. I hated seeing them but at this point I compulsively do it. I can't stop it quiets everything so just a little. I pick a the dead skin not caring in the slightest. At first skin flakes come off, before long I'm bleeding because I picked to deep. The burn usually makes easier to pick. It was in places that are normally hidden so people don't know and won't notice. How did I go from on top of the world to the bottom so quickly. It was like the ground beneath me was full of quicksand I just kept sinking or falling. I really didn't know how to climb out. How does one even begin to climb out of this hole. Do I want to climb out.

I felt arms around me making me jump. I don't know how long nor how did I the person find me. My mind was filled with so many questions and not enough answers. Lexi shifts in front of me staring at me concerned. "Allie" she said carefully glancing behind her, following her eye line I see her friends. Wiping my eyes "I'm fine" "you don't look it I'll tell them to go" "Lexi I'm fine I just needed a moment" I said sternly not really knowing me she believes the lies and gets up leaving me against the tree. I guess that's what's so different between us. Lexi doesn't know what it's like to have a sibling to care for others on that level. To her I'm just another person. I had Justin as a big brother and Erin as a big sister so I learnt all that. I learnt what's its like to have that type of empathy or understanding. I knew that if a sibling tells you to leave you don't always walk away unless they are screaming and getting physical. I knew you stood your ground. Lexi despite us being siblings by blood we weren't siblings though. Justin and Erin were more siblings. If it weren't for my dad always showing up for me I wouldn't even consider myself as an Olinsky.

I get up dusting myself off. There was dirt and leaves all over me. Sighing I walk away from the tree where I had a little 'breakdown'. I couldn't feel anything as I walk down the street. The air could be cold or hot I couldn't tell. Every movement was so mindless, all muscle memory. There was no thought in any action. I didn't care how I looked I gave up that long ago. I didn't care how I looked as long as they don't see the burns or scars. I could feel the fresh sting of the cut. I could feel the wetness of the blood coating my arm beneath my jacket. I don't know why I burn my skin then proceed to pick it off until it bleeds. There's no time limit between when I burn and when I pick it off. If I'm extra antsy I'll do it straight away, otherwise it could be almost healed. I always pick until I bleed I need to see and feel the blood for euphoria. Without the blood there is no euphoria.

All I had to do was make it home and past everyone without bleeding over the my hand. I don't have a glove or bandage to conceal it. Sure I could put my hand in my pocket. I however would have to walk past a detective/Sargent and or an over protective sibling. I didn't know where to go. I was just at walking mindlessly. My body will take me where it wants to go.