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The music was pumping but I didn't feel it in my body. My arm and hand wrapped up for all intensive purposes I fell while dancing. I sip the glass of alcohol. Toby was across the party on his millionth drink. Josh was somewhere. Elodie and Samantha nearby but I was alone. My mind numb not from alcohol either. I couldn't feel anything.
I was sitting my feet in the pool, I was staring up at the stars. Or where the stars should be. I was in my own numb blank world. I felt nothing. At this point I didn't know if it was the alcohol or just my own numbness. I sigh stumbling as I get up. I make my way to our little hangout. I knew it was freezing I could see it, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything.
I lay on the wood sighing as I pull the knife from my boot just staring at it. The feeling of it glazing over my skin was glorious. My red blood glistening in the dimly lit area. My blood sparked like nothing I've ever seen before. It was euphoric. I find the bottle I swiped from the party. Now normally I wouldn't be doing this. The euphoria was delicious though. I had no intention of going home, I didn't even know what home was. Was home with my parents and sister or with Hank. Justin wasn't in Chicago anymore, he was my family. I knew I could rely on Hank if I needed him same as dad kinda. It was just different. No one was wrapped up in Allison's land. How I wanted someone who undeniably was there and could count on. Justin couldn't though he was making himself better as he put it, he could have just said that he was making a life so he stayed out of jail. I respected him for that I just missed having someone worry like he did. It's weird I guess he only just came back to my life, I guess he was a bit like a drug. He was always there and made me feel so good. I have no one else.
The sun blinded me making me groan. I search for my phone only to come across the knife. I sit up my head throbbing as I delicately pick the knife up. I was meant to be on stage by seven. I slice at my raw wrists, the stinging sending happy tingles through my body. My long nails scrape against my phone before I lift it up seeing it was six am. Justin was the only one who knew about this place that I knew about. It was the one place I didn't tell anyone about. Totally and utterly alone. I twist my wrist around as I feel the blood drip down into my hand. It glistening in the sun making it look so pretty and sparkly. I just wanted to keep going. Dance was my whole world but even now thinking about it I'd rather die than go on stage. With every twirl, every jump it felt like my world just slipped further and further away. It wasn't like I was floating anymore. It was closer to being suffocated.
I turn the music on attempting to dance. Of course I could. It was probably first place worthy but my heart wasn't in it. I leap turning into a twirl only to fall to the floor crying again. Felt like all I did these days was cry. I had broken from a very young age and never repaired, I mended only fall everything to collapse. I cry and scream till I can't no more. My throat throbbed as I lay on the dirt floor with sticks and rocks sticking into every inch of my body. My hand coated with a now translucent pink colour. I knew I had to go home wherever that maybe. I just didn't have anything left in me right now.
