Daniel Seavey I Italy

Chapter 17

Today is the day.

As I stand here with tears in my eyes, I'm thinking of all the little moments we had. But I'm happy I got to visit Italy and fulfil her wish. We'll always have that.

It was a beautiful funeral; I think she wouldn't want us to be sad. But we're human – we can't help it. After we went home and had lunch with everyone, each and every person at the table shared their favourite memory. For the first time in days, I hadn't thought about him. But it's starting to creep back into my head, all the memories we shared and how his face would look like when he comes back from the trip. Will I make myself see him or ignore that part of my life forever.

Few days later

My phone started to ring – Molly. "Hey we're back. Daniel wants to see you, should I tell him, or do you want to meet up?" for a few seconds I thought that I don't want to see him for the rest of my life. "Sure I'm at the park near my house, let's meet up by the fountain." I blurted out without noticing. I guess some part of me wants to see him and tell him how I feel in person.

Sitting on a bench by the fountain with my legs shaking I wondered what I wanted to say to him. I knew that this would not be a relationship for years to come and that today we would end anything romantic, but I didn't want him completely gone from my life.

As I looked up, I saw them walking towards me, Daniels eyes wondering, looking for mine I assumed. And then for a split second our eyes locked and it's like he lit up. This was going to hurt and badly, I could feel it in my chest.

He ran towards me arms spread apart, huge smile on his face. I stood up and moments later got tackled by his body. "I've missed you so much. How have you been?" I didn't know how to respond to that, don't really want to start my conversation with him by just blurting out that my grandma died, but also didn't want to lie to him.

"I've been alright. How about you?" I say as I try to distance myself from his body. I saw that my action threw him off a little bit, but he kept that big smile of his and answered my question. "Well, I could have been better if you were with me, but sadly I have only been alright as well." Great so now I'm going to be an even bigger asshole when I tell him. "We need to talk. Let's go for a walk, I'm sure that Molly and Christian will be good on their own. Don't they look like a couple that just got married. How do you get that close to someone so quickly." I started my word vomit. "I don't know maybe they are just meant for each other." Daniel says lowering his head and not taking another glance at me. Okay let's just rip the band aid off.

"I have to tell you something and I need you to not interrupt me. This will probably hurt you as much as it will hurt me, but we will get through it okay?" I end with a questioning tone and he just nodes. "I had to leave the trip early because my grandma had died. I didn't want to ruin your vacation, so I left without saying anything. And I would tell you so much more about what happened until, during and after the funeral, but you see I don't know if you noticed, but I have trouble dumping my emotions on other people. So just know that I am okay now and I am getting through it. Anyways you are an incredible guy, I have never met someone that I felt that way about and I have some of the best days of my life with you. So, trust me when I say this: I honestly think that one day you will find someone amazing, someone that makes you comfortable and someone you can tell anything and everything to. That person is going to make your heart flutter and you will see your future in them. I just will not be that person. I'm sorry and if one day there is a possibility for us to be friends then I will be waiting with open arms." It felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders and also like a just stabbed myself in the heart. I knew I had a tendency to push people away, but this one was the first I had done intentionally. But to be honest as much as did enjoy his company, I didn't see my future with him as a partner. My heart started beating faster as I waited for his reply. We started slowing down and now we were almost at a full stop. He turned to see me, and I could see he was hurt. That was another jab at my chest.

"What if you are that person for me? What if I see my future in your eyes? Did you ever think about that? I know we haven't known each other for that long, but there is time. Do you really want to put an end to something that didn't even have a chance to start?" his hopeful eyes were lingering on mine for way too long. I didn't know how to tell him without sounding like a bitch. "Daniel, I need you to understand that right now I will not be able to be emotionally available to you, probably not anyone really. If you want you can wait, be my friend and hope for a day that may never come, however I cannot promise you that that day will ever come. Do you understand what I am saying?" his eyes started watering and I didn't know what to do so I hugged him and whispered in his ear. "Is there any way I could make this situation better?" I felt him take a deep breath and the chuckle "You could say that you were just kidding" we both burst into laughter. As we pull away from each other I can see his eyes fixated on my lips. He starts to lean closer, and his voice is as low as I have ever heard "I love your smile. I want to see that smile as often as possible"

With our faces millimeters apart, I could smell his minty breath. He kept getting closer and for some reason I didn't move. His nose touched mine and my heart was jumping out of my chest. I knew this was our last kiss. And I was trying to savor it. Our lips almost touching we kept going back and forth not knowing how this would end, but seconds later I felt his soft lips touch mine. And as our lips moved, I could feel our salty tears slip in. I was going to miss moments like this. But I had to let go.

I pull away looking anywhere but his eyes. "We should go find the lovebirds." I say starting to go in a random direction. "I remember when that was us." those words felt like an ending, which was the last time I remember us mentioning our relationship.