MR WRONG

Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

    While Cade sat by my side on my sofa, he's cradling Jamison as he drifted off to sleep. Bless him. He's had a long day. As I watch him fall asleep, I feel Cade's eyes on me, so when I lift my head, I look too. Unfortunately, for a little longer than I planned.

"What?" he asked with a grin. I end up shaking my head, feeling a little embarrassed he caught me.
"N-nothing, I just..." I have to clear my throat to give myself a few seconds to pull it together.
"Cade, you know when we first met."
"Yeah, what about it...?"

I take a deep breath before asking, "What do you see when you look at me?"
As expected, his brows pulled together while asking what I meant.
"I mean, when you first looked at me; what did you think of me? What were your first thoughts?"
He grins, and while he tells me, he looks down at our son.

"That's easy. It was your legs. They go on forever."
As much as this made me grin, I end up sighing. I was expecting something a little better than this, and he knows it.
"Wait. Was that not the right answer?"

Oh, bloody hell! Why are men so clueless? Well, not all men. No, the man in the music store wasn't. He knew exactly the right words to say.

"It doesn't matter. Just forget I said anything."
I move to stand up, but he takes hold of my arm, gently pulling me back down.

"Jo, what's going on? Why are you asking this?"
He's looking in my eyes, and I end up looking down at my hands. I finally ask what he sees when he looks into my eyes.

"Well, it would help if I could see them." He says with a chuckle, making me grin before lifting my head. Once again, I look into his eyes and wait for his answer.

"I just see you, my beautiful blue-eyed beauty... just as I always have."
Naturally, I shyly grin again. Only, it's still not what I wanted to hear. I still wanted more, but he just doesn't see how broken I truly am.

"That's it, that's all you see? The same girl you met back then? There's nothing else, nothing's changed?"

"I don't understand what you want me to say, Jo? You've kinda sprung this one on me, so I'm a little taken aback you're even talking about it. Hell, every time I've tried, you've shut me down, so I'm stumped. Are we ready to do this? Is... Is this you, wanting to go over it now?"
I told him, I don't know.
"It's just today, I kind of met someone, and well..."
As expected, he jumped, asking who it was.
"Relax, Cade. As much as it would have nothing to do with you, nothing happened. It was just someone I met on the day I met you. Just minutes before actually. But he said I've changed. I still look the same, but my eyes have changed. He said that when he first looked, they were sparkling, but now, they're different."

"What, how? What's he talking about? Your eyes are still the same, they're still beautiful."

"You're wrong, Cade. When I met you, my eyes sparkled. Now they don't. There's no happiness in my eyes."
His shoulders jump slightly, asking if that's his fault.
"Is that what you're trying to say? I've ripped the sparkle for your fucking eyes?"

"Don't use that language around our son, Cade. You know I don't like it. I'm not saying you did, but.., but you've got to admit it, you did kinda mess me up. He asked me out, and I turned him down. I've not been touched since you. I said no because you messed with my head so much, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust again. How can I ever move forward when I'm still not over what happened? You were my first love, first with everything and now... Now, I can't even trust a normal relationship. Hell, I don't even know what one feels like."

He sighed, only to stand up to place Jamison in his travel cot. Once he covered him with his blanket, he sits back down and held my hand, intertwining our fingers. This is the first time he's held my hand in a long time. It feels nice, warm even, but there are no sparks. I can't feel what I did when he used to touch me.

"I just wish you would give me a chance to prove to you, I can give you a normal relationship. Jolie, you are the first and only woman I've ever touched since my marriage began falling apart. You seem to have it in your head that, I'll hurt you the way I had with her. Fuck. I've been trying here, Jo. I've been trying so hard to make you see that. Only, I don't think it'll ever be enough, will it?"
With the back of his fingers, he's gently caressing my cheek. I want to say it is, but I don't think he's wrong.
"Can you place your hand on your heart now and tell me, you're still in love with me?"
I'm still looking into his eyes when he asked this, still trying to make sense of everything.
Oh god. Do I? Am I in love with him still? I love him. That will never change, but am I in love with him still? Do I still have those feelings deep down inside of me? Can I pull them forward and do this again with him? After everything he put me through, after not trusting him for a good two years now; can I let him in again? Without saying a word, he wraps his big arms around me and pulls me close. He does this while I break in two.
While I cling to him, big wrecking-ball sobs break from my chest. I love him.
I always will, but is it enough?

I kissed him that evening, just to see if I still felt it. It started out great, but then after a while, I began overthinking again. All I could think about was him walking away from me. Not only that, but how he didn't care enough to at least call me when I was in the hospital. Yes, she was dealing with stuff, but I was alone. I was eighteen years old, alone, pregnant and homeless. If it wasn't for my uncle, I'd be dead by now.
Cade made me promises, and not one of them did he keep. What's worse is she asked them to try again, and he stayed to do that. He wanted to try again with her. He had no regard for my feelings or my state of mind. I was a mess, and he just carried on like nothing happened between us.

The day Jamison was taken to the hospital. Yes, he came too, but if Karah's car was okay, would he still have come? And then, he ran after her and left again with our very sick child. He's not perfect. He's made a million and one mistakes. He fucked my head up so badly, I can't trust anyone. Not even him. I love him. He's my child's father and I'm so happy he's in his life now, but what I once felt for him died in that hotel room. I died that day because I knew the moment he ran to her, he loved her more. He may love me as much as I love him, but he'll never truly be in love with me. Just like me; sadly, I'm not in love with him anymore. It's sad really, especially after everything we went through it came to this. Even sadder, I don't think I'll ever move on from him either. I know that sounds crazy. I'm no longer in love with him, but I can't see myself with anyone else. I'm not saying I want to be with Cade. I guess I'm just saying he's all I've known. How can I try again with another?
My head is so messed up, and as I've said before, it'll take a miracle to crack this shell.

"Right! That's it! Get dressed, we're going out," Karah demands, seconds after walking through my front door.

"What do you mean, get dressed? I've just been in the shower, and I'm about to watch a movie."
She shook her head and with a determined look in her eye, she switched off my TV and said, move it!

"No excuses! Dads got Jamie-boy for the weekend so I'm damned if you stay here wallowing. Now come on, move it! We're hitting the town."

Instantly, I shook my head and told her "I'm not in the mood." Hell, I can't remember the last time I went out on the town. I don't even think I've ever been out-out before. I don't even have "townie-night clothes." I've never had the need or the money to buy them. Naturally, I tell her this too and she again took no notice when she said, "We'll find something. Sweets, we both need a night out. It's been a long time coming, and you need this. Plus, it's time to live before you waste away and end up looking like a prude pile of ash. We both need to dust that shit off, and the cobwebs. I don't know how you've lasted this long. I'd seriously be chomping at the bit by now. Hell, I can barely go a week without thinking about sex, so God knows what's going through your mind."
She attempts to carry on, but I cut her off and tell her, "I don't think about it. Karah, I'm not like you. I-"

"Wow. What the hell are you insinuating? Are you trying to say I'm a tart?"
I'm grinning when I tell her she knows that's not what I'm saying.
"I just mean that you're a free spirit, and I'm the messed-up friend who has no interest in meeting anyone."
What she said in response to this kinda made me feel like crying. I should be mad, but I do get it.
"For fuck's sake, woman! It's been too bloody long! Now you've made your decision. You and my dad have finally called it quits! Now it's time. It's been months since you told him, so get up! Come on, now before you die a lonely old spinster with cobwebs growing out your arse! Move it!"