The Price Of A Sinner

Chapter 18

Sometimes, in our desperate pursuit of happiness, we end up doing things we never thought we were capable of the things that, in the end, we regret.

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari kanina, ang pagkabunyag, ang sakit, at ang pagkawasak...isang bagay lang ang malinaw sa akin: kailangan kong makausap si Mili. Kailangan kong ipaliwanag kahit isang beses man lang na hindi ko planong saktan siya. Hindi iyon bahagi ng plano ko. Oo, galit ako sa kaniya noon, pero hindi ko sinasadyang gamitin si Dos para lang iparamdam iyon sa kaniya. I just... loved Dos. And even when I found out they were together, I couldn't let go. I chose to sin rather than lose him.

It was already late when I arrived home. The first thing I saw when I stepped into the living room was Mili — crying uncontrollably in Mom's arms.

And there it was again, that familiar stab in my chest. Jealousy. Because back when I was the one crying, no one was ever there to hold me like that.

Wala silang ginawa kundi ang talikuran ako. Pero siya? Siya ang tinutulungan, siya ang niyayakap.

Nang makita nila ako, agad tumayo si Daddy. Malalaking hakbang ang ginawa niya papunta sa akin, at kahit bago pa siya makarating, alam ko na kung ano ang mangyayari.

"Dad—ah!" I didn't expect him to welcome me with open arms after what happened. I knew exactly what was coming — a hard slap across my face.

"How dare you?!" he roared.

The slap was so strong and so sudden that my eyes instantly welled up. I pressed a trembling hand against my cheek and lowered my head, fighting back the sob threatening to break free.

"Anong katangahan ang pumasok sa isip mo para landiin ang fiancé ng kapatid mo?!" sigaw niya.

Hindi ko siya nilandi. Gusto kong isigaw iyon, gusto kong ipaliwanag, pero pinili kong manahimik muna.

"Mifi!" tuloy niya, hindi pa rin tumitigil. "Maraming lalaki sa paligid, hindi ka mauubusan! Pero sa dami-dami ng lalaki sa mundo, bakit kailangan mong agawin ang taong may nagmamay-ari na? Ha?! Nag-iisip ka pa ba?! Sinira mo ang buhay ng kapatid mo dahil sa pagiging makasarili mo!"

The words stabbed deeper than the slap. Slowly, I lifted my gaze to meet my father's furious eyes. "Sa lahat ng tao, Dad," mahina pero diretso kong sabi, "ikaw dapat ang pinaka nakakaintindi kung bakit ko nagawa 'yon."

"What?" gulat niyang sagot.

"Bakit, Dad? Naisip mo rin ba 'yan noong naging makasarili ka?" sunod-sunod kong tanong. "Naisip mo ba kung sino ang masasaktan mo? Naisip mo ba ang mga masisirang buhay dahil sa sarili mong kagustuhan?"

Nanahimik siya. Hindi agad nakasagot.

"Hindi, 'di ba? Hindi mo ako naisip. Hindi mo kami naisip. Itinuloy mo pa rin kahit alam mong may masasaktan ka. Dahil ano? Dahil nagmahal ka. Dahil nagmahal ka ng dalawang tao ng sabay." Mapait akong natawa. "Ano ang pinagkaiba natin?"

"Mifi..." Mom's voice trembled as she called my name, but I didn't look at her. I could feel both her and Mili's eyes fixed on me.

"Oh, no. There is a difference, Dad," I continued, my tone sharp and bitter. "I only loved one person. Just one. So I'm still trying to figure out...how were you able to love two? Is that a talent?" A broken laugh escaped me as tears rolled down my cheeks. "Dad, I didn't seduce anyone. Yes, I was angry at Mili because of you. But I didn't fall in love with the wrong person just to hurt her. If I wanted to hurt her, I could've done it in countless other ways and at any time I pleased."

Paglingon ko, si Mili ay nakatingin na sa akin, namamaga ang mga mata.

"Hindi ko siya nilandi o inakit para agawin sa 'yo. Siya ang lumapit sa akin. At hindi niya sinabi na may girlfriend siya."

"Paano ko 'yan paniniwalaan?" umiiyak niyang tanong. "Magkasama kayo sa hotel kanina. Ni hindi ka man lang nagulat nang sabihin kong fiancé ko ang kasama mo."

"Noong birthday ni Sab," maingat kong simula, "bigla siyang sumulpot sa comfort room at ipinasok ako sa loob. Iyon 'yong oras na tumatawag ka. Iniwan niya ako bigla, kaya hinanap ko siya. That's when I saw you two together by the pool. That was when I found out everything," I recounted, replaying that awful night in my head.

"A-ang tagal na pala..." bulong niya, halos wala nang boses. "Ang tagal mo na rin palang alam... pero bakit itinuloy mo pa rin?"

"Dahil mahal ko na siya noon." Huminga ako nang malalim. "Mahal ko na siya bago ko pa nalaman na ikaw ang girlfriend niya. Umasa akong mamahalin niya rin ako, dahil akala ko wala siyang karelasyon, hindi niya sinabi. And when I discovered the truth, my hatred for you grew. Because it was you again. It's always you. You're always the one who ends up with the people I love."

I glanced at Mom and Dad as I said the last words. "Oo, nagkamali ako. Nagkamali ako nang pumayag ako sa gusto ng boyfriend mo. Pero gaya mo, gaya ni Dad... nagmahal lang din ako."

"Pero ang haba ng panahon para itama mo 'yon nang malaman mo ang totoo! Pero hindi mo ginawa!" sigaw ni Mili.

"Because I loved him!" I screamed back. "Because I was blinded by how much I loved him and I didn't want to let him go. But we never had a relationship. He's telling the truth — we were never together."

"What?" they all said almost in unison, confusion crossing their faces.

"That's right. We weren't in a relationship. He came to me and asked me to be his... f-fuck buddy," I admitted, looking away in shame.

I heard Dad curse under his breath. Mom gasped.

"At pumayag ka?" tanong ni Mili, hindi makapaniwala.

"Oo." Diretso kong sagot. "Dahil akala ko hindi ako mahuhulog. Akala ko pampalipas lang ng oras. Pero iba ang ipinakita niya. Ipinadama niya sa akin ang pag-aalaga at pagmamahal na matagal ko nang hinahanap sa pamilyang 'to. He made me believe in all those little gestures, in all the small acts of kindness. I was happy. And I know he was, too. So... can you really blame me?"

Can they blame me for finding in the wrong person the love they were supposed to give me?

"Nagpunta ako rito hindi para magmalinis o siraan siya," tuloy ko. "Kundi para sabihin ang totoo. Maniwala man kayo o hindi, hindi ko na problema 'yon. Yes, I was wrong to be involved with someone who was already engaged. And that's something I deeply regret. Magalit ka sa akin, saktan mo ako, sisihin mo ako pero hindi na mababago n'on ang nangyari. Pareho lang tayong biktima ng isang lalaki na pinairal ang sariling kagustuhan. I've learned my lesson."

Isa-isa ko silang tiningnan. Wala sa kanila ang nakapagsalita. Lahat ay nakayuko, tahimik. Hindi ko alam kung galit pa rin ba sila, o naaawa na lang sila sa akin.

"Panalo ka na naman," mahinahon kong sabi, halos pabulong. "Kahit anong gawin ko, ikaw pa rin ang pinipili ng lahat kaysa sa akin. And it hurts, God, it hurts. But I guess that's just my fate. To never be chosen... by anyone. Happiness was never meant for me."

Tinalikuran ko sila. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta, basta ang alam ko lang ay kailangan kong umalis. At sa sandaling nakatalikod ako sa kanila, doon na bumigay ang luha ko. Tahimik akong humihikbi habang naglalakad palabas ng bahay. Sa bawat hakbang, pakiramdam ko'y mas lalo akong nawawala.

When I was a kid, all I ever wanted from my parents was happiness and love. I never felt that...not once before she came into our lives. Simula nang dumating siya, nagbago ang lahat. I envied her for being good at everything, for having everything, for being enough. She could do anything, be anyone, and people would still love her. And me? No matter how hard I tried, I was always the one left behind. Always the one they forgot.

The day she arrived was the day my world began to fade. It was the start of the story where I became the extra. The unwanted chapter. The daughter who never got chosen.

And maybe... maybe that's all I'll ever be.