Lonely {Hemmings}

The Toilet Is Over Flowing With Black Tar And Tears

Journal entry 4

At the moment I am crying in the rest room of my terribly crappy school.

Ah, I love the smell of pee while I'm crying.

I'm crying for a valid reason though,

Yes, very valid.

My mom screamed at me.

Cue laughter.

Thank you.

I'm sat curled up in the first stall casually writing song lyrics on the wall.

My mother called me in the middle of class to tell me that my grade for algebra had fallen below a 50.

Yes, I suck at algebra and all types of math in general.

My brothers are 'mathematicians', if you will.

Cue cringe from the word 'mathematicians'.

I literally can't right now.

I know sound like an overly-obsessed-with-tumblr white girl.

But i feel like the phrase 'literally can't with everything' is very relevant towards my situation right now.

I don't even want to get up right now.

I feel completely drained.

It's like my mind is being manually filled with bad thoughts.

Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, bad thoughts.

My worse enemy.

I can feel my eyes droop with tiredness and weakness.

I feel my cheeks become wet with the salty water that secretes from my tear ducts.

For a long time I've convinced myself that everything was ok, that everything would be alright.

I tell myself that i'm a good person, that i'm smart, kind, friendly and everything else in between.

I tell myself that so much the i start to believe it.

Till I break.

When i come back to my grotesque reality, its like a dam being blown up but, instead of water a black tar flows in its place.

I'm searching for something that i can't reach.

I know i'll be alright soon.

Now, i'm not crying and exaggerating about my mom yelling at me.

It's just that when i looked at how poorly my grades were and saw how furious my mom was i felt bad because i couldn't please my own mom.

When i tried to speak she told me to stop talking.

When i tried to explain she talked over me.

When i tried to shout over her, she told me that 'she was my mother and that i needed to stop talking or else.'

What does 'or else' mean?

I felt so over powered and useless.

I know, she's my mom i'm supposed to mind her but, how can i voice my opinion when she wont let me talk at all?

Maybe that's why i'm so quiet.

I'm so quiet because no one will let me talk.

Why won't anyone let me talk?

Am i not good enough?

Maybe i am not good enough.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

i just want to go home.

~~~~~~

i forgot how much writing helped my vent about my life.

I've cried like two times in the past day and i almost started crying while writing this.

But its ok bc i have my cat.

AND ALSO, i wont be updating as frequently bc im still sad and i have passive aggressive orchestra teachers to deal with {he literally won't let me participate in class bc i missed ONE practice} and i have more exams, so don't expect crazy updates until the end of may.

Ok thanks vaginas