If that's what it takes

88

Derek stood beside the bed, his eyes were downcast as he watched the woman lying in the bed before him. She was at peace, resting. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was so soft and delicate that she hardly even moved as she slept. Mark had taken Zoey for a walk around the hospital, the circus of doctors and therapists and code detectors and proxy signers was over. The papers were signed, and Derek was now in charge of the body before him. He was now responsible for a person that he hardly knew, but felt such a strong bond with, that it sent sharp pains of anxiety through his chest.

He watched as she rested, knowing that the interview with the psychiatrist was taxing on her, the fear of this blood clot killing her silently was enough to exhaust her. She had so much fear, so much anxiety, so much pain in her body, and there was no way for her to release it. She was hurting, and she couldn't express it. She was dying, and she couldn't prevent it. She was awake, and she wouldn't let him in.

"Meredith." Derek whispered as he touched her hand. He could see that her eyes were moving beneath her eyelids slightly. He knew that she could hear him, that she was listening, that she was just lying there waiting for him to speak to her. "I... am very afraid of this surgery, Meredith." He whispered. "It's risky... dangerous... It's scary... very scary, and I'm so worried that we're going to lose you." Derek swallowed. "I know that it isn't the way that I should be talking... I'm a doctor... a surgeon... I am someone who should know how to do this, and have you survive this... but there is one thing that I am not, Meredith." Derek whispered. "I'm not you."

Derek could feel the tears welling in his eyes, he could feel his throat closing slightly as he tried to release his emotions without falling completely apart. "I have no idea how strong you are." He whispered. "I don't know... if you have the strength to make it through this surgery. It's complicated... and painful... and there are... aspects of it that I... I don't like... and there is a lot of work... a lot of um..." Derek swallowed. "A lot of things that go into it... that... will make... I mean... what I'm... Meredith... in order for them to get to your brainstem... they will have to remove your inner ear... for ease of access." He swallowed. "You... they're going to have to put you on a bypass... and as with any surgery, there is the possibility of paralysis... or... or death, Meredith... I don't know how strong you are." He whispered. "I need to know that you want this... that you want this without a doubt, Meredith." He whispered. "I need to know."

Her eyes slowly opened.

"Meredith." He whispered.

I just want to hold my baby. Kiss my baby. I want to say her name. Hear my voice say her name.

Derek watched her slow, steady blinks, reading each and every letter carefully. "I understand." He whispered.

I am doing this for her.

"No, Meredith." Derek said softly. "You need to be doing it for both of you."

You are doing this for both of us.

"I love you." Derek said, the words rolling off his tongue so gently, tenderly and easily. He couldn't believe he had said it until it was already out there in the open. He couldn't have stopped them if he wanted to.

You hardly know me.

"Yet there is something about you that is so pure, so beautiful... so enchanting." He whispered.

I am not really sleeping beauty, Derek.

"I wouldn't bet my money on it, Meredith." Derek whispered. He looked up as the door opened and Zoey came running inside. She grasped Derek's hand as he lifted her into his arms.

"Are you going to fix her, DD?" She whispered. "Are you going to fix my real mommy?" She asked as she looked down at Meredith as a tear trailed down her cheek. Derek looked up at Mark, seeing the look of complete and utter concern on his friend's face as the little girl begged for him to save the only thing left to connect to her past and who she is. "DD..." She whispered as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Derek?" Mark whispered as he nodded toward the door. "Doctor Pai is here." He whispered as Derek held the little girl in his arms a little tighter.

"I need to stay here for a couple more minutes." He whispered. "Just... can you... um...?"

"I'll make sure that the necessary tests are done... I'll be there the entire time." Mark whispered.

"I wish that they would let me... let me be there."

"You know they can't do that, Derek." Mark whispered.

"I know." He whispered.

"You have to be here for Zoey." Mark said softly.

"I know." Derek nodded as he rocked her softly and looked down at Meredith as she looked up at him. "We're going to be here when you wake up." He said softly.

"I'm going to have to stand up for nine or so hours because of you." Mark winked as Meredith's eyes closed. "Oh... don't play hard to get, Meredith... you know that you love me too."

"She only puts up with you because you take care of her daughter." Derek replied as he watched Meredith open her eyes again. She blinked once as her eyes moved to Mark. Derek laughed a short laugh.

"What?" Mark asked as he watched Zoey look over at Meredith.

"She said that I was right." Derek said as he squeezed Meredith's hand.

"Oh... you're a spunky little thing, aren't you?" Mark said as he touched Meredith's other hand. He looked up at Derek. "I'll give you guys a little more time... and Cris and I will be in to get her..." Mark whispered. Derek nodded and Mark nodded in response as he slowly slipped out of the room.