:D No Moar Bullying :D

Depression

Okay. So I haven't been writing often on wattpad. I'm kinda facing tough times. For those of you who dont know, I have clinical depression. It means I'm constantly sad. And out of nowhere I might suddenly become sad. It sucks. But for a long time I've always thought, "Dad left me. Alone. With mom." My dad's in the military. He's been gone for almost 10 years. He isn't dead. He promised he'd be back for Christmas when I was 7. He left us when I was 3. His 4 years is up. I'm not sure why he doesn't come home. But my mom doesn't receive much money at work. He gets our money at the army. So I realized, I owe a part of my depression to bullying. I wasn't always like this. I used to be happy and smart. I had lots of friends. I was beat up one day. I came home crying, but I didn't say a word. I didn't want anyone to know. It just hurt. People would tease me for crying. You're just a little baby. Grow up. Now I think, I'll grow up when you do. When you learn to do something less pathetic with your life then pick on kids just like you. Why is it fun to see someone scream and cry. They thought it was cool. I'm cool because I'm strong.

So eventually in middle school, I was tired of it. I almost killed myself. One day I grabbed a knife and went into my bathroom. I was about to stab myself. Nobody was home. Thoughts were just rushing in my head. Gay. Moron. Nerd. Stupid. Dumb. Ugly. Pathetic excuse for a human. Useless. Weird. I wanted to die. But I knew, someone had to be there for me. It isn't worth the pain. So I dropped the knife. I cried a lot that day. So I was tired of the bullying. I wanted to be alive so, I did what I thought would help me. I shut the world out and blamed it on something else. Because I didn't want to accept reality. My own friends were poisoning me. Controlling me. I was become cold and poisoned from the inside out. So I pretend I'm stupid. I'm funny and weird. I don't want to be that nerd. I got rid of my braces and got contact lenses. But I know, that bullying hurts. Bullying is like poison. If poison is in a beautiful container, you won't realize what it is until it hurts. After being bullied, I became so mad with the wrong thing. My dad is fighting for our country. My dad can't hurt me from so far away. A bully can. So many friends just turned on me. Maybe because i'm vulnerable. Maybe because I don't bully with them. I'm not sure why bullies do it. I'm not sure why I wrote this anyways. Maybe to get it off my chest. And that's why I'm so depressed. Why I sit home sometimes to cry. Why lately I've been up at night and can't sleep. Because I'm hurt.