For the Love of Jack

Age of Aquarius

The Christmas season came to end, and with it came the harsh part of winter. There were no more holidays immediately coming up that could keep me on my toes. No; only more papers to grade and my few senior students who neglected to do their work now that they had applied to their colleges. I notice when the seasons change, my mood does as well and the façade I keep up around my friends and at work seems to disappear. The anniversary of Hannah leaving is slowly approaching and even though I am very happy with Dean, I still have the lasting taste of disdain resides in my mouth. Speaking of, only thing I could look forward to this month was Dean's birthday, which he actually told me not to pay much attention to.

We had grown very comfortable around each other's space and Dean agreed to fully move in at the end of this month. I was afraid people would think we were moving too fast. Then, I realized that I am a full-time parent of a toddler and Dean and I are mature adults who felt we were ready for this step. Dean had agreed to helping me more with Jack and I could see how fond of Jack he had become. I couldn't help but wonder if he saw the same childish joy he once saw in Sam as he raised him years ago. So gradually, his wardrobe made a home in my (already small) closet. Miracle's bed and food was now stored in the living area by the side door and Dean's framed picture of his mom and Sam were now housed on the mantel. Each time a new item was brought into the house - our house - Dean would smile at me and say "I'm home." However, with all this extended time together, I noticed my mood wasn't the only one's who was souring. It seemed as the days went on, the only energy came from the toddler bouncing from wall to wall. Dean busied himself in the garage every time Bobby would call him in and I'd bury myself in schoolwork. I couldn't help but wonder if his mood change had to do with Dean's upcoming birthday or our fast-moving relationship.

After a long day of work, Dean and I lay in bed after finally getting Jack settled for the night. Dean was lost in thought, it seemed, and after a while I grew concerned and put my book aside. "Has everything been alright, Dean?"

"Maybe I should ask you that, what's been in that head of yours? You seem distracted lately." I couldn't hold in my eye roll and moved to lay on my side so I could fully face him. Dean did the same and met my stare, although he seemed absent minded. "I believe I asked you first, Mr. Winchester." Dean stifled a small laugh and stressfully wiped his face. "Well, Mr. Novak, just know January is a rough month for me. So, sorry in advance." His tone felt passive aggressive but I somehow knew he did not mean it towards me.

"Would you like to talk about it?" I was well aware to Dean's custom of not opening up about things that mattered. I had always assumed that he'd tell me things when he wanted to but now I wanted to know was upsetting him, inwardly hoping it wasn't me. Dean sighed and kissed my nose, and affectionate thing he often did before falling asleep for the night. "I love you, Cas, but I would rather cuddle with you than talk about what's bothering me right now." I pet his cheek, "I understand Dean. Let us just go to sleep and forget I asked."

We fell into this nightly routine of myself worrying for my partner and Dean shutting himself off from me. His behavior became frigid the eve of his birthday and I decided I could no longer take this emotional separation. After we ate our usual family dinner, Dean sat in the living room and read to Jack while I cleaned up. The dishes would clatter but my mind remained focused on my task at hand and that was getting Dean to open up.

"Dean, can you come here for a second?" The nerves were evident in my voice but I continued to stand tall. Really, the only person who could pick up on my nerves through my hard shell was Dean, which is why his worried face didn't surprise me. "I'll be back, kid" Dean said as he laid the book down on the side table and pat Jack's hair. He came over to me, still standing upright in the doorframe of our kitchen, rather quickly with anticipation. He pulled my hand in gently and we both sat at the kitchen table fearful of how this conversation would go. "Dean, I'm worried about you." I blurted out deviating far from my scripted conversation. "I know, angel. And I'm sorry I have been...absent." Dean rested his hands in his hands like a child who was scared for their impending punishment. "Dean I am not mad and I don't want to end things, I know how you are thinking. I only want to know what's bothering you so I know how to help you the best I can." I smiled earnestly at Dean and his smile confirmed what I was thinking, Dean thought I'd break up with him. I grabbed his hand and kissed it, then I rubbed over his knuckles soothingly. "How are you, Dean?" The question was enough for Dean to allow himself to open up and I could not have been more relieved.

"Cas, I'm sorry. I'm a big mess. It's just my birthday has been a sour time for me lately...ever since I left Lisa." I was shocked, I did not know where he was going with this conversation. My face remained stoic but on the inside I was boiling with nerves. "It's not what you're thinking, her son, Ben's, birthday is right after mine and I wish things didn't end so badly so that I could send him a card or something. He was like a kid to me and I'm sorry to burden you with all this-"

"You are not a burden. If you and Ben were that close I do not see why you should not send him a card. But I also understand why you would be apprehensive about it."

"So, you're saying that, gods forbid, we...y'a know, that you'd still want me to send Jack something?" His question made me consider but in the end I couldn't deny that Dean has become some sort of a father figure to him, even Sam and Charlie as makeshift uncle and aunt. "Dean, I trust that if Lisa is a good parent she would understand the significance of you and Ben's relationship. Her son should know he can reach out to you anytime as a reliable father figure, if he wants." I genuinely believed that if we were to end things I'd be comfortable with Dean sending a card or something to remind Jack that he still cares. In the end it's the child who will feel more lost from the absence of their parent. Dean thought about his options and visibly beamed when he agreed to sending a small card, "I don't want him to think I've forgotten about him."

Dean kissed and thanked me. "I really appreciate your patience and understanding, Cas. Can't say I've gotten much of that in my life."

"Well I hope to give you mine as long as you'd like, Dean." Our love was sappy in a way I could have never seen for myself. Our family was feeling complete even in the beginning and I began to feel optimistic about our growing commitment to each other.

However, this whole ordeal made dark thoughts return to me. Hannah. She is what Dean didn't want to be, a deadbeat parent who abandons her son for her own life. I felt sorry for her, but also upset that I let her intrude my thoughts in such a loving memory with Dean. Thinking back on our life together always brought me pain. It hurt when I lost her as my girlfriend but also as my good friend. We were each others confidant. She was meant to be here to support me and then our child, but has instead failed both Jack and I. I am allowed to feel betrayed I found myself thinking. Even as I went to bed in Dean's arms, or his in mine, I was invaded with the thoughts that he'd, too, leave us.

A week passes yet time feels still. I felt I haven't accomplished much when it comes to productivity, especially due to my clouded thoughts. On this Saturday morning I left our bed earlier than I usual and poured a cup of black coffee. Dean often asks how I can digest such bitterness but it does the job by waking me up. I checked the time on the stove; it was 7:43. Jack should still be sound asleep and Dean was still snoring when I left the room. I sighed deeply. Maybe I should talk to Dean about Hannah. He opened up to me about Ben and Lisa. I feel he would understand why I am, too, upset. My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Who could be knocking this early on a Saturday morning? Sam has a key now and Bobby or Charlie would have called beforehand. I grunted as I rose from the kitchen table keeping my blanket wrapped around my shoulders. It was frigid, even in the house with the heat on. My slippers made a shuffling noise as I slid cautiously to the front door. Another knock came before I could reach my hand to the doorknob. Instead, this knock was more gentle and insecure. I did not listen to my instincts and opened the door before asking who it was. I really should have given who was on the other side.

"Hello, Castiel." Hannah. Why is she here?  Any words I could have spoken did not come out. I stared at her in a daze. She looked mostly the same, even down to her gray vest and blazer. Her blue eyes stared back at me with an expression resembling guilt. This enraged me. I looked at her further, catching the glint of something shiny on her left hand that was pushing her bang behind her ear. An engagement ring. Wow. My rage was now softened with sadness even I could not understand. She awkwardly stood at our...my door waiting for me to say something.

"May I come in?"