Breathe

Chapter 11

Bo and Hope were going to go back to Salem at the end of the week, and Marlena was petrified. Hope had told her that evening at dinner, reassuring Marlena that she was a phone call away. The idea of being alone with John and Avi was scary, but she also understood why Bo was so insistent that it was time to go. He wasn't comfortable with Hope and Marlena's attachment, and after five weeks, he wanted his wife to himself. They were going to go home to Salem, and Marlena, John, and Avi would stay in Seabrook so that she could continue to heal. In her initial panic, Marlena had briefly considered returning to Salem, simply so she wouldn't lose Hope, but she knew she wasn't strong enough yet.

She and John had been practicing TTT every night for the past two weeks, and she'd only been free of Stefano for five weeks. She knew that when she returned to Salem she would encounter a lot of anger, and animosity from Roman. From everything she had learned from John, as well as Bo, Roman's time with Stefano had changed him as well. He was angry, bitter, and he hated John. He blamed John for everything, and he had gone out of his way to destroy people's image of who John was, planting distrust in the minds of people who had known him for years. She couldn't understand it. While she could understand him being initially wary of John, Marlena struggled to understand the deep rooted hate, and the way he had intentionally alienated John from friends and family.

Roman's hatred of John was going to make things very difficult. She couldn't stay married to him, she wasn't in love with him. She was in love with John, even though that was also problematic. She was getting better, but she was a long way from being able to engage in the sexual activities she and John used to engage in. Sometimes she would wake from dreams of them together so aroused she could barely breathe. She would make herself come, and then be immediately overcome with guilt for wanting him so badly. Two weeks of touch therapy had her body craving more, and yet her mind would shut the idea down immediately, pushing harder against the possibility. Now Dr. Vellanki wanted her to let John touch her. She hadn't mentioned it, but she knew she was going to have to. Hope leaving made everything seem so much more daunting.

Avi was asleep, and Marlena slipped out of bed to go in search of John. He was expecting another session that involved her touching him. She found him sitting in front of the fireplace, wearing his standard tank top and gym shorts, waiting for her. She stopped in the doorway to the large open room, watching him, and was struck by how much she loved him, and how beautiful he was. He sat on the pull out futon with Avi's kitten in his hands, petting the soft fur. He looked over at her with a smile, setting the kitten on the carpet carefully. "Hey, Doc. You ready?"

Marlena smiled at him. He had been so good about this, and so diligent. His support over the last five weeks had her more in love with him than she ever had been. His relationship with Avi was amazing to watch, and he was able to bring out their son's true personality. The kitten John had brought home a week earlier for Avi had brought their son to tears. They now had a tabby cat named Ninja.

She shyly stepped into the room wearing a light pink cotton camisole, and a pair of John's gym shorts. John's eyes scanned over her body slowly, and then he realized what he was doing and cleared his throat. As he stood up to put another log on the fire, Marlena told him softly, "Dr. Vellanki changed my homework assignment."

He turned around, glancing again at the pink camisole she was wearing. His heart started to thunder, and his mouth went dry. He tried to sound casual when he said, "She did, did she?"

"I need to let you touch me," she said. "But I'm scared... not scared... worried. I'm worried. I—I'm not sure if I can do it. Let you touch me, I mean. Without the memories coming."

John spoke before he even considered his next words, "Do you want a safe word?"

"What?" she asked him, surprised. "What do you mean?"