Mogtober 2022

Day 15 - Nocturne

I wasn't sure of what it meant, but WundrousPotato told me that it means "The one where light disappears or something"
And that it's one of the Wundrous arts.

So, based on that information, it's cool.
It also reminds me of the shadow bending part. Because if it's not in light, it's in dark, and dark is shadow.

TW! Mentions of my past.

I like darkness. It gives me comfort. Whenever I got mad at my younger sibling, and I yelled or hit them, I ran away and hid in the closet. It was nice and dark there. I cryed because of how bad I felt. Being mad at someone, and especially hitting them is not me at all. I like to help. I like to take care of others. I like to see everyone happy!

I guess since I've started this whole past telling, I should tell why I kin Michael Afton.
"So much blood.. It was an accident!
I rarely pray to God, but then I really did. I was crying, praying for my sibling to be okay.
It was all a game, until that corner of a table had to be there. And no one remembers the accident! They all say that my sibling was born with that mark. But I remember it all so clearly.

It's actually quite hard for me to just tell someone of that event. A few times, some people sent me messages telling me that I should have died, and that I am the worst person for almost accidentally killing someone, on accident, 7 years ago. And I'm still the most effected by what happened.

I might aswell be going insane. Mixing up imagination or dreams with reality..

I was 6 f###### years old!! I had anger issues, I was lonely, and most of my friends were imaginary. And my sibling got all the attention from my parents. Mother was away, working, now she's away for even more time. And father was busy. And when he wasn't, most of the time, he spent time with my little sibling. I was jealous. That's why I tried to get any attention possible, from my parents. I understand really well, that abusing someone is really bad. But did anyone ever ask about my side of the story? No. Why would they? I was the one to blame.

And then I was told to grow up more quickly. I was 9 years old. And how did that effect me? Not greatly.

I never even had a rebellious phase, and that's not because stuff was normal and great for me. It was because I am scared. I am scared that even the smallest, stupidest mistake will make him yell at me. I don't want that..
And meanwhile, my sibling smokes, does vandalism, get's boyfriends and other things. And no one yells at them.
That's why I hate to make mistakes.

That's why I'd rather stay silent and unseen.

That was around 7 years ago.. I hope that's enough time for me to count as not the one to blame anymore.. I wish I could forget.

So yeah.. Darkness equals safety for me. And still, even now, when I turn off my alarm, I don't turn the light on. I just get dressed and then flip the light switch. My sibling does the exact opposite. They turn on the light, get dressed and then turns off the alarm. It's so annoying. ;-;

Shadows and darkness is so amazing tho. Sliding from one shadow to another, running in the dark..

"Oh the feeling of the others being scared, them screaming in fear. They called me a cannibal for some reason. And they called me the shadow ghost. I like that, well  not the cannibal part, but being called a shadow ghost. I love to see my own shadow. My coat fluttering in the wind.. They even started to see hallucinations. It's not like I don't see the shadow people. And then I fell. Pain in my leg, shoulder and hand. Ow. But being in the dark, watching the skies. It would be nice to watch starts with my partner. Maybe even romantic.. But guess what. I liked to just scare them. Hear them loosing their voices."

I truly am like a ghost that hid in the darkness. Many people just don't notice me. Sometimes it's nice, but sometimes not. Like when I needed to get off of the buss. The buss driver didn't notice me and I had to go like 10 meters more. Not a big trouble, but not a present one too.

And the fact that they called me a ghost, and I took it as a compliment, is most likely because one of my favourite musicals is "The Phantom of the Opera". And that's who my Halloween outfit is inspired of!

And I have never really celebrated Halloween. At least not with the trick-or-treating. And I don't like to celebrate most stuff too. Reminds me of my past. And my past was good, now it's not as good anymore. And every time I get that feeling, that I finally feel the feeling of being safe, at home, with people that I'd call family, I try to hold my tears back so much. And the people always leave. And I blame it on myself..

Like seriously! I don't even like celebrating Christmas that much. And that's because of what happened the last few years.
• My stepmother left my father. I was even thinking of calling her "mom" for a while.. Everyone always leave. And she had 2 kids. And one of them was truly like a brother to me. I cared for them.
• Christmas was just not as exciting anymore..
• I was alone, in darkness, hiding under a fir tree. Hiding from my sibling and stepsister. They were throwing ice at me. And what did my father or stepmother do? Nothing. They all left me at that forest. It's not like it's much of a problem, leaving a 11 year old alone, in a forest, in cold winter night. I knew the forest well enough. Something in it doesn't let me get lost. Something leads me out. Like a protector..

And more about me now. Like one time, there was this guy, who was a bit shorter than me. As I said before, he was fun to play fake sword fights with. And when he asked me to choke him, I did. And every minute, I was asking him if he's okay. Well, I'm scared of myself. Of course I'd constantly check if I have or haven't hurt someone. Well, maybe he did enjoy being choked while laying on my chest. I wouldn't even be surprised.

I do not want to bring my "love life" preferences in here, but of course, I care about who I like a lot. I will do anything to protect them, even if it sometimes turns into manipulation. She should stay away from him. He said that he's not interested. He said that he hates her! I'd be a much better partner than him.. I can help.

And one more thing is, that I find "friends with benefits" much more thrilling then just being together with someone. And there I go, off the topic.

But yea.. Darkness is amazing. I like to take a walk in darkness. Just trying to understand my surroundings by touch. And making light dissappear would be cool sometimes.