Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 19: Sex without feelings

Content warning: Scars caused by selfharm are mentioned.

Joel sat down on his better sofa and leaned a bit to the rest on the side so he was in a comfortable position but there was still a lot of space left next to him. Without even thinking about it, I let myself sink onto the couch next to him and leaned against his upper body. Slowly to give me time to stop him, Joel wrapped his arms around me and moved a bit so we both were in a comfortable position. "Do you want another pillow?" "No, you're cozy enough", I chuckled.

"Okay, if you want to have another pillow later, just tell me." Softly, he started to stroke my arm and while he did that, the hem of my hoodie slid a bit upwards so one could see a few of my scars. Although they were already pretty old and not that clearly visible anymore, I felt a bit uncomfortable when one or in this case, Joel could see them. Thus, I carefully pulled the hem down again and looked down at my fingers. "Marlene...", Joel quietly whispered. But instead of asking me about why I hid them, he started to tell me how he thinks about them.

"When I saw the scars on your body, I knew there was a very painful story behind them. I knew that you had experienced something terrible in the past. But I had no idea how bad it would really be. What you went through... It's shocking. Nobody should ever have to go through something like that." "You saw them?", I mumbled quietly. "I did. When we hooked up after meeting in the bar for the first time. I mean, of course it was pretty dark outside but when I undressed you, it wasn't completely dark inside so yeah, I could see them. I gotta admit... I didn't only look you in the eyes or your face in general. I also let my gaze go down to your body and then I saw the white-ish lines on your arms and legs. But I didn't say anything because we didn't know each other at all and I thought it was way too private to say or ask anything about them."

"Yeah, it was a good idea not to mention them. It would have ruined the mood and I'd have immediately pushed you away. Like, literally. I'd have made sure that you leave. But when you saw them... Why did you still want to spend time with me, a broken, weak person?" "Because these scars aren't a sign of weakness. It shows that you went through a lot but you survived. You fought. And that's exactly what I think now that I know your story. You are strong, incredibly strong. Otherwise you wouldn't be here with me now." "I... I'm happy that I'm here with you", I quietly said before thinking about it for a second.

"Me, too. Do you have any series in mind that you want to watch?", Joel then changed the topic. "No, just pick whatever you want", I told him while trying to suppress a yawn. "Aleksi recently recommended one to me that is apparently some kind of romantic comedy. Maybe we can watch that? I mean, that is probably a lot better than some dramatic or action stuff, right?" "Yeah", I mumbled and yawned. The day was so exhausting for me that I now struggled to keep my eyes open although it wasn't even dinner time yet. "Okay. Then make yourself comfortable." Joel started the series, wrapped his left arm around me and buried the hand in my hair to gently play with it.

But before the intro had finished, we already had to pause because my phone was ringing. Teija called me. As soon as Joel had pressed the pause button, I answered the call; I didn't bother to go somewhere else because I felt too cozy with Joel right now. "Hey", I greeted Teija. "Marlene! Are you okay? You just hung up and now hours have passed so I was a bit worried about you..." "I'm fine! Sorry that I didn't call you earlier." "Oh, it's fine. Now that I know you're good, I'm relieved and everything is fine." Although I didn't see her, I knew she was smiling. I could hear it from her voice. "So, tell me more. You mentioned someone singing before you hung up." "Yeah... I immediately had goosebumps because of the voice and the lyrics. Don't freak out but when I came closer, I recognized the person singing." "Who was it?!", Teija asked excitedly. "Joel", I said quietly and placed my index finger against my lips as a sign for Joel to not say anything. "Joel?! Are you talking about Joel Hokka?!"