Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 23: NØT OKAY

Content information: This chapter is written from Joel's perspective.

Marlene had been with Sofia and her family for around an hour when I started to feel even worse than tonight. I realised that I wasn't good for her at all, I made her feel bad. I constantly reminded her of Aava because I was broken and she was the only one I talked to and therefore she was also the only one I allowed to be there for me. The situation was so similar to what had happened in her past and even though I wasn't faking this or manipulating her on purpose, I still made her feel bad and obliged to me. But I couldn't help myself; I knew I needed her. If I wasn't as selfish, I would have told her to leave me because I wasn't good for her but I couldn't. I had too strong feelings towards her and when I was with her, it was the only time I could calm down and be happy at least for a second. I needed her.

I was still laying on my bed; I hadn't managed to get up since Marlene had left. My arms were wrapped around my legs and I buried my head in the pillow while constantly listening to the same song: WE ARE NØT OKAY by Oceans. After they were our support act in some countries on our first headline tour through Europe, this song somehow became the song I listened to when I felt bad. It portrayed my feelings so well. Today was one of the days I knew I couldn't do anything else than lying in bed and listening to the song. But something was different. I wasn't single anymore; I had someone who cared about me. And although I hated myself for that because I knew Marlene needed some time to spend with other people or on her own, I couldn't stop myself from being selfish. Slowly, I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and sent her the song. I didn't have the power to text her more and could only hope that she firstly, would see the message and secondly, would understand what I wanted to tell her.

A few minutes later, I heard my phone buzzing. Only the hope that it would be Marlene gave me the power to turn it on. I felt like I had no energy inside me anymore. Not only because I hadn't slept well but also because I was mentally in such a bad state. Luckily, it was truly Marlene who had texted me. "Shall I come over?" I closed my eyes from relief and sighed quietly. I hated to do this but I know I needed her right now. "Please", I therefore responded and put my phone away. She'd be here soon. Maybe not within a few minutes because she could be further away with Sofia and Niko but at least I knew that she would come over and I wouldn't have to be alone the whole day.

The doorbell rang only around twenty minutes later and although I pretty much knew that it would be Marlene I couldn't get up. I felt too weak to stand up on my feet, go towards my door and open it. Pathetic, I thought. I didn't know what to do and how to tell her that I just couldn't get up because my bedroom was too far away from the door for her to hear me when I'd yell where the spare key was. Luckily, Sofia called me after I hadn't let her in after she rang the bell for a second time.

"Joel?", she immediately asked as I answered the call. "I'm in bed..", I mumbled quietly. "The... spare key is under the plant next to the door." "Okay, I'll be with you in just a few seconds." I could hear how she opened the door while she kept quietly talking to me. "Sorry" was the only word I had said since answering the call. Although it was just a matter of seconds, it felt like minutes or hours until she finally entered my  bedroom, still having her phone in her hand and talking to me.

"Joel!", she said worriedly before she quickly made her way towards my bed. After putting her phone on the nightstand, she crawled on the bed and pulled me in a tight hug. "Shit, Joel... I was so worried about you and it seems like I truly need to worry about you. You don't look good at all." I didn't feel like joking about since when she doesn't like my bun to which my hair was tied up anymore. I couldn't. Instead, I started to cry heavily the moment she pressed my head against her chest and I heard the rhythm of her heartbeat. "Hey...", she whispered. "I'm here, everything will be fine." With one hand, Marlene softly rubbed my back while with the other one, she gently massaged my scalp. "No... I... I hurt everyone. I'm a terrible person."