Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 10: Take a deep breath

During work, I could barely focus because I constantly thought about how much I missed my first and so far only group of friends ever. I knew I couldn't experience that one week again and I knew that I wouldn't get those friends back. But all I wanted at that moment was to have such friends again. To have a group of friends to talk to when you need someone, to laugh with, sing with and to share interesting stories with. Without the constant pressure to have to keep the conversation alive. I wanted to be able to pull myself back a little without ruining the mood or ending a conversation. I wanted to be able to still have fun without constantly being responsible for that to be possible.

But I didn't have such a group of friends. And even if it was easy to find friends, considering the fact that I didn't let people in anymore, I wouldn't ever have such friends. I felt truly awful when I thought about how contrasting my feelings were. On the one hand, I didn't want to have important people in my life apart from Teija to make sure no-one could ever make me feel as bad again but on the other hand, the loneliness was tearing me apart. If only I could have at least been with Teija now, if only she could have hugged me because I couldn't remember feeling that lonely.

I had always told myself that I was happy with only one close friend and no other people that play an important role in my social life. I had told myself that the distance between the cities we lived in was not a problem and that the fact that we managed to still stay friends proved that our friendship was good enough to survive such times without seeing each other. It also gave me some feeling of safety because I knew that I didn't have to fear that we wouldn't see each other after graduating from school anymore like it happened to so many friends. I knew that no matter what happened, we'd stay friends and that caused me to think this was everything I needed.

But now I had to admit to myself that it wasn't. I needed someone to be here, to come over and hug me when I needed it. I didn't need only one friend, no, my heart was yearning for a group of friends. Real friends. And every time Teija - who had no clue how much it hurt me to hear about her friends - told me she was having fun with them, my heart broke into even more pieces. I was definitely happy for her to have such great friends, there was no discussion needed, but I was envious. I wanted to have someone, too. And not only one amazing best friend living in Espoo. If only my heart wouldn't have been so fragile that I knew it couldn't take being used ever again...

With that thought, I went to my favorite bar again. I needed to prove to myself I could also be happy without a group of friends. Just a man to spend a fun night with and hopefully I was back to normal again, knowing that I could have fun and live a happy life without what my heart currently told me it needed, not knowing that that desire could be mortal.

For now, it actually seemed to work. I had sat down in front of the bar and was now slowly sipping a gin tonic, my favorite drink. "Hey you", I heard a man's voice and at first, I thought he wasn't talking to me but as the blonde haired man then sat down on the stool next to me and looked at me, I knew I was the one he was talking to. "I've often seen you here before but you always seemed to have some good company already. Now that I saw you sitting here alone, I thought I could offer you a beer and we'll see where a conversation will lead us?", he suggested. And with the wink after finishing, I knew where he wanted this evening to lead us.

"Okay. Hi, I'm Marlene", I introduced myself before taking another sip. "Marvin", the man said smiling. "Since I've seen you here before... I guess you're from Helsinki?" "Yep. At least I've been living here for a few years now. And you? From here, too?" This might sound like a question I just asked to be friendly or to sound interested in him in general but it for sure wasn't. This way, I tried to find out how likely it was to see him again. Because after what had happened with Joel, I knew I needed to be more careful. I had to make sure that this man couldn't easily come back again or that I wouldn't just randomly meet him in a bar again. "I moved here just a few weeks ago. So now I'm spending my evenings in bars to get to know some people. And I feel like I'm currently talking to someone I will have a lot of fun with." Again, Marvin winked at me.