Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 20: I was brave

During work, I constantly thought of Joel. How I saw him the first time; the first night we shared with each other. How I got to know him better and we gave each other comfort when the other one needed it. That evening the whole band was at mine when I told everything to Sofia. Yesterday when I told everything to him. I remembered every moment I shared with him again and the more I thought about it, the more I noticed how happy the time with him made me. How much I laughed and smiled when I was with him; how good it felt to feel his touch. Not only in a sexual way but also when we were just hugging. And then I remembered his promise.

He had promised to never hurt me and to make sure that I always feel comfortable with him. Yes, he was broken. But would Joel hurt me? Would he threaten me? Would he use his fame to tell people bullshit about me? I somehow couldn't believe he would do that. He knew about my story and after all, I also knew a lot about him. He wouldn't dare to do that, would he? If he'd do that, he'd be a fucking asshole. And if that came out... That for sure wouldn't be good for Blind Channel. Maybe I was too naïve again, but shouldn't I eventually start to trust people again?

I also remembered Teija's words. She had told me to fight against what Aava had done to me. "Do you really think that living your life almost alone with only me in another city is a solution? Isn't that still a way Aava controls your life? I mean, without her, you wouldn't be that distrustful. I don't want to say that you're weak but wouldn't it be a much better, stronger sign to say "Fuck you, Aava, you can't harm me; you won't have a huge impact on my life anymore; I don't care about you? Marlene, why don't you fight for yourself, for a happier life again?" Should I try to do that? Should I give Joel a chance? I kept thinking about that instead of doing my work.

When I finally was done with work for the day, I sighed in relief and hurried up to get my stuff and walk outside. I still wasn't sure what to do. Should I trust Joel or not? I still had his phone number written on the coaster at home but would he even answer when I texted him? Probably not... I mean, we had agreed to lose contact. I was already walking away from work and soon I noticed where I was going. I was going the same way as yesterday. I was on my way to Joel's again. I think I had made a decision and to make sure I won't regret it too early, I started to walk faster. The closer I came to Joel's apartment, the faster my heart was beating.

But I wanted to do that. I wanted to do something that could make me happy. After all, I wanted to something for myself, giving a fuck about what Aava had caused in me. I knew that there would be moments in which I would regret this, but Teija was right. I had to fight for myself. I had no idea where this change of mind came from all of a sudden but I wanted to use it before it was too late. Maybe this could really make me happy.

Before I rang the doorbell, I breathed in and out. "Hokka?", I could hear Joel's voice that sounded a bit annoyed from the speaker next to the door. Of course he wouldn't just open the door; he could never know who wanted to go inside. There always was the option that some fan had found his apartment. "Hey. It's Marlene", I mumbled and before he could say something else, I asked whether he could let me into the house. "I thought we agreed to not see each other anymore", was the first thing Joel said to me as I reached the second floor. He didn't look good and based on how he was mumbling, I assumed that he was drunk. "Can I come in? I don't want to talk to you here where your neighbours can hear us." Hesitating, Joel nodded.

"Why do you wanna talk to me?" "I... I know that we agreed to not meet again because whatever there was between us was not good for both of us in the long term. But... I miss you when I'm not with you. I like you, Joel. A lot." "What do you wanna say with that?", Joel asked quietly and looked at me. His gaze didn't say anything; I had no idea what he was feeling or thinking. But his body language did. He looked... Almost sad. "I'm so happy around you that I decided to fight against my own feelings. Against my fear and the distrust. I want to trust people again. And maybe you're a good start...", I told him and looked him in the eyes.