Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 15: I'm just a burden to everyone

Content warning: This chapter again includes several potential triggers, such as selfdoubt and suicidal thoughts.

As everyone was gone, a sigh left my mouth. What should I do now?, I wondered. Now I was here with Joel, a man I didn't want to ever see again but who on the other hand, he was such a great, caring guy. At least until now; but what if he'd turn out as manipulative as Aava? Just because of the risk that that could be the case, I had to make sure to finally not see this man again after this night. But until the next morning, I couldn't escape him; I had to deal with him. I closed the door and went back into my apartment where I saw Joel sitting on my bed. "Thanks for allowing me to stay here", Joel mumbled. I only nodded as an answer. I couldn't say something like 'no problem' because for me, it was a problem. It put me into a difficult situation that I didn't want to deal with.

"So... What do we do now?", I quietly asked Joel. "Don't know. Honestly, I don't want to be awake any more second so I'd want to try to sleep now if that's fine for you." "Of course, it is. But... About the sleeping situation. You know that I don't have a sofa so there is no second sleeping place here. I don't see another option than sharing a bed with you. I..." "Don't worry", Joel interrupted me. "I'll try to keep my distance from you." "I don't know if that's what I want. I... This evening... You know, during the last weeks I felt so fucking lonely and this evening was somehow a cure for that. I... I don't know whether I want to end it here. I mean, I don't plan to see you again but... Do I maybe want to enjoy the evening to its fullest before everything will be over? I don't know." I suddenly felt so unsure because during the last couple of hours, I had felt so comfortable around these people, also around Joel, but there were still these doubts inside of me that told me to keep my distance from Joel.

"Come here", Joel quietly said and patted on my bed next to him. Slowly, I walked towards him and sat down next to him. "May I hug you?" Without answering, I just pulled the man into a tight hug. I knew he didn't feel good either and we both needed someone to hold us right now so this was probably the best thing to do. For a while, we just silently hugged each other and stroked over each other's back until eventually, Joel cleared his throat. "Sorry, I need to go to the toilet and I'd also make myself ready to go to bed. Are you fine with me sleeping only in boxershorts? I don't really want to sleep in your bed wearing clothes that I also wore in a bar" "Yeah", I mumbled. "If it's fine for you if I only wear underwear, too? I'm sweating quite a bit" "Of course. And no, I don't only say that because I like the way you look when you don't wear many clothes; I don't plan to sleep with you tonight."

"I know", I softly smiled at him before he went into my bathroom. In the meantime, I opened my windows to let some fresh air into my apartment and started to collect some bottles that were still standing on the floor, waiting to be knocked over by a drunk person. "Can I help you?", Joel asked as he came back. "No, I'll finish tidying my room and cleaning it up tomorrow. I'm too tired now and probably also too tipsy. But thanks for the offer." As a response, Joel only nodded. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and undress. After washing my face and going to the toilet, too, I was finally ready to go to bed where Joel already was laying, embraced in my thin summer blanket. To create space for me, he moved a bit further to the wall. "Thanks", I mumbled while laying down next to him. We wished each other a good night before snuggling up to the blanket and trying to sleep. But as expected, we both didn't fall asleep soon. We both were turning around several times, trying to find a good position to fall asleep, but somehow, we just kept lying awake next to each other, no one saying a word.

"So... What's on your mind at the moment?", I eventually broke the silence. "I noticed that you didn't really feel comfortable, you didn't want to go back to the bar to party with your friends and I don't know about the guys but I saw that you also drank something when they asked about the thought of leaving the band. And based on how secretly you did that, it's not something in the past they all know about." "I don't want to annoy you with my problems... Plus, you don't want to be with me so probably you should just try to sleep and ignore me", Joel said. He didn't sound cold as one might have expected because I had blocked him before. No, he sounded so hurt, so broken. As if he thought that I wouldn't care anyway, that no one would care. That it wasn't important how he felt. But that was not the case, definitely not. Although I knew he shouldn't be part of my life and I'd have to push him away, soon, I cared about him in some way. I didn't want this man with such a big heart to suffer.