Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 18: Constant fear

Content warning: This chapter includes heavy threats and emotional blackmailing. Please do not read this in case it could make you feel uncomfortable or trigger memories of your own experience.

Although I perhaps should have stopped thinking and talking about Aava, I couldn't. I needed to talk about it, I needed to finally let it all out. To say what has been on my mind for years without anyone knowing, not even Teija. Joel even tried to stop me from doing so by whispering "shh..." when I started to talk but I just ignored it. I had to talk about it, now. Otherwise I couldn't ever forget about it. "I had told her that I couldn't take it anymore in the evening and after that, I immediately blocked her. During the next hour, Pihla constantly texted me via Instagram, telling me that Aava had left the hospital and that I should help her to come back. But then suddenly... She didn't text me anymore. I slept bad that night because I still hated my decision although I knew I had to make it. During my first break at school, I turned my phone on to see if Teija had sent me a message because of course, I had told her about the happenings of the evening.

I didn't have a message from her. Instead, I had several messages by an unfamiliar number. The person said she was Aava's sister and she was so mad. She told me I had to text Aava again and I had to find her. If I didn't do so, she'd go to a law firm because I didn't help someone who urgently needed it. The next message... She told me that because she didn't find her mother, Pihla killed herself. That she had cut her artery so badly that the ambulance was too late." "Fuck...", Joel whispered and although I thought it wasn't possible for him to hug me even tighter, he somehow managed to do so without suffocating me. "It was not your fault, Marlene. It was Aava's decision to escape from hospital and it was Pihla's decision to commit suicide. That whole situation was not your fucking fault. Marlene, please tell me that you talked to a therapist after this or at least someone else you could trust and who could help you..." Based on how Joel was expressing these words, I could hear how shocked he was. Shocked by what I had experienced.

He wasn't the first one to tell me that things were not my fault. Teija did the same back then, too, but back then I couldn't believe it. And as I now had all the memories from when I thought someone killed themselves because I caused their mother to want to die, one couldn't see that I had calmed down before anymore. More tears were smudging the make up I wore and I wrapped my arms around my legs in hope it would stop the shaking. But of course, I didn't stop trembling. "Where's your toilet?", I mumbled quietly and after Joel had showed me the way there, I went into the small room and locked the door behind me. I didn't go to the toilet for the reason you usually go there. I just wanted to be on my own, sit on the ground and cry. With my arms wrapped tightly around my legs and my face buried between my knees, I started to cry more and more until eventually, I had trouble breathing between the sobbing.

Suddenly, I heard a knock at the wooden door. "Marlene, can I help you somehow? Or do you want some time on your own? Shall I make you another hot chocolate, a tea or do you want something else? Just tell me how I can support you. I just want to help you and right now, I don't really know how..." "Some alcohol would be better I guess", I joked but there was some truth hidden in it. Maybe the alcohol would help me out of my misery, at least for a while. "If that's what you want... I have beer and whiskey at home", Joel answered quietly through the door that was still closed. "I don't know", I mumbled and opened the door. I didn't like talking through a wall without seeing the other person. I wanted to see people's mimics when I was talking to them. Slowly, Joel came in and sat down next to me. "Marlene, you don't have to tell me more. You know that, right? We can just go back to the living room, drink something together and watch some Netflix or do whatever else you want. You don't have to force yourself to go through this again.

I only shook my head before I continued because there was still so much more to tell and I felt like I needed to tell this now and to Joel. "Paula started to threaten me. Not only with an attorney but also with my life. She told me she hated me so much that she'd do everything to make me suffer. Aava's sister said she knew which school I went to and which city I lived in and when she said my school's name I knew she was right. I knew that if she wanted to find me, she for sure could. And she wanted to. She told me she hated me so much that with every step I took, I couldn't know what would happen. She could always be there, waiting for me to come so she could harm me.