The Five Stages of Gayness

Chapter Fifteen - I Can't Do This

ADRIEL

Chapter Fifteen

"Hey. Can I talk to you for a sec?"

I asked the question timidly, almost hoping he'd refuse. Alex nodded, slightly surprised.

"Yeah, sure."

It might seem kind of creepy that I knew where his house was, but I resided in a town of less than a thousand people. I knew where every kid in school lived.

I led Alex away from his door and to the edge of the road. He looked at me attentively, waiting for me to speak first. I shifted my feet, looking down in shame. I didn't know how to do this.

"Alex," I began.

I could see him look at me expectingly.

"Alex," I took a deep breath. "I... I..."

"You what?" He asked pointedly.

I inhaled slowly and exhaled.

"This isn't very easy for me to say."

I could see him smiling slightly as he motioned for me to continue.

"For a while now, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I can't stop myself from staring every time you pass by. You're so funny and interesting and smart and handsome, and you know what? I think I like you. A lot. I don't know what any of this is or really what exactly I feel right now. I honestly don't even know who I am. But one thing I do know is that I really want to get to know you better. So maybe we could be... friends or something? Maybe we could be... more than friends?"

"Adams? Hello? You still there?" Alex asked, confused.

I suddenly realized that I'd said none of that out loud.

"What?"

"You're been staring at me for, like, five minutes. You look terrified." His look of confusion turned to one of genuine concern. "What were you going to say? Is there something wrong?"

I searched desperately for something to say.

"I... Well, I..."

I tried to speak from the heart or whatever, to tell this wonderful boy what I'd come here to say, but no sound came out. I desperately tried to say something, anything, but I was frozen. My whole life was this moment, and my whole world was the kid standing in front of me. What we had, it wasn't much, but at least he'd talk to me on occasion. If I were to confess my feelings for him, he could turn me away. He could stop talking to me. He could refuse me these tiny moments that I cherished, these moments I lived for. And I couldn't bear that. Not now. So I did the only thing I could.

I retreated.

"You dropped your cell phone," I said, handing him the device. "You left it on the bench at school when you bolted earlier today."

He patted his pockets frantically, searching for the little machine, though knowing it was in vain. Alex sighed, resigning himself to the fact that he had indeed forgotten it. When he took the phone out of my grip, there was a small second when our fingers touched. Alex expressed his thanks. His gaze suddenly became wary.

"So... you just wanted to return this? Are you sure there's nothing else that you want to tell me?"

He knew. His tone said it all. He knew exactly what I had been about to say. He knew how close I'd been to saying it, too.

"Positive," I answered tersely.

"Alright, well thanks again for this," he said waving the cell phone in the air before slapping it on his palm a couple times, beginning to back away towards his house. "I'll see you later, Adriel Adams."

I managed to mumble a jarbled goodbye as he stepped inside and closed the door. I was left there, standing outside his house like an idiot. I just stared at the spot where he last was, berating myself.

I'd come so close to saying it. To telling him everything. I was ready. I had prepared a whole speech and everything. Somehow, when I stared into those deep blue eyes, those words that I'd carefully chosen and painstakingly practiced while waiting for him to come home, they just... flew away. All logic and reason had simply deserted me and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't do it. I couldn't jeopardize our... whatever this was. We were sometimes friends and sometimes enemies. It was all very confusing.

It was probably better this way. I wasn't exactly sure what had come over me. Why I needed to tell someone.

I'd heard of space madness before. When they send an astronaut up and that person goes so insane from the confined quarters that they try to kill everyone else on board. Sometimes, they'll even jump out of the spaceship without a spacesuit in a vain attempt to escape, dying instantly. That is what keeping this in felt like. I had to get out of here or I'd snap and hurt someone I loved. The pressure was building up, and I'd explode soon if I didn't get out. I didn't care where I ended up, as long as it was out.

I suddenly understood why they called it the closet. Lately, I'd been feeling as if I was squished in a small, dark box, being smothered by clothes until I couldn't breathe. But the wooden walls offered me some protection against the dangers of the outside. As claustrophobia-inducing as the closet was, the world outside was scary and dangerous.

Somehow, my feet carried me to my truck, my hands started it up and turned the vehicle down the street, through the houses. I don't know how long I drove, but I ended up at the church. How strange. I hadn't been here of my own free will in years.

I climbed out of the car and walked up to the entrance. I placed a hand on one of the large double doors of the church and hesitated. I looked up to find I was standing under the large cross on the roof of the building. I took a breath and oushed through.

The inside of the place of worship was devoid of life, if we didn't include a praying Father Greeley who was sitting at the front. I cleared my throat to announce my presence. He turned and a smile broke out on his face as he stood and walked towards me.

"Ah, Adriel. What brings you here on a monday?"

"I have sinned."

That was all I said. His smiled faded as he took in my words and countenance.

"Adriel, what is it?"

The church was the place that I always came to for comfort. Father Greely was a kind man who would listen to my troubles and reassure me that God was indeed looking down on us.

"I have committed a grave offense. The Bible forbids it, but I can't stop it."

He frowned.

"You have control over everything in your life. Everything you do is up to you. Your life is literally in your hands. Just remember, you can always stop whatever it is if you really want to."

"That's the thing. I don't think this is my choice."

"If you pray and repent, God will forgive you. What is this grave sin?" He asked.

"Love. It's killing me from the inside."

He smiled.

"My boy, love isn't a sin." He told me sincerely.

"Really?"

"God created marriage to unite a man and a woman who love each other."

The last statement came as a slap to the face. A man and a woman.

"Thank you, Father," I said hurriedly, "But I really must be going."

I quickly walked out of the church, shutting the door behind me. I collapsed against the wooden slab and slid to the ground. The man I'd known and trusted for so long, he wasn't on my side. I ran my hand through my hair as the reality of my situation hit me with full force. He wasn't on my side.

No one was.

Hey hey hey! Another double update! Pretty great, huh? I'm just dying to write the end, ugh! On another note, I finally saw GBF. I liked it. A slightly refreshing twist on the classic 'girls A, B, and C like guy D and fight over him for the entire movie'. Wait what? What I meant to say was pshhhhh, I don't watch girly movies like that. I watch real manly movies like... James Bond or something. Okay, I give up. I totally like that kind of thing. Sue me.

-D.A.