The Five Stages of Gayness

I Have a Confession

This isn't a real chapter. I'm sorry, but there's something I need to get off my chest. There will be no editing because I honestly think I won't have the courage to press the 'publish' button if I read this again.

There's something I haven't exactly been honest about to you guys. I'm sure the small fraction of you who know me in real life will already know this, but this is what I meant to say. This is not 'pulling an Adriel', as I've come to think of it. My one regret is that I didn't tell you properly the first time, Alexi. You were the first person who knew, but when you knew, I didn't actually tell you. I just kind of strongly hinted it then refused to deny it. I did tell you in the end, of course, but by then it was old news. Does that make any sense? I don't know. Nothing ever really makes sense to me.

I'm stalling. This is really hard. I'm just going to say it. Get ready, Wattpad. I don't know why, but this is so much harder to write down. Maybe because I have time to think about it and I can always stop and knowing me, I'll probably never publish this.

You know what? Fuck it.

I'm gay.

"We already knew, idjit," Says about three people.

"What?!" Says everyone else.

Whoa, hold your horses. Allow me to elaborate. Let me give you the long coming-out speech I wish I'd given everyone else instead of kinda just trying to hold back tears.

Almost two years ago, I met a girl. She was nerdy and funny and sweet and smart and wonderful. From the start, we were the best of friends. We talked about shit, we laughed together. We spent quite a lot of time with each other, as most best friends do. We hadn't known each other for very long, but it felt like a lifetime. I was usually kind of incapable to succeed in any social encounter, but being with her was easy. It was nice.

I remember the first time she hugged me. It was safe and warm and I didn't want to leave her embrace. But it was getting awkward because I was lingering a bit too long. I didn't know what had come over me. I hated physical contact. I would usually punch someone for laying a hand on my shoulder. It wasn't long before I got this odd fluttering of nervous excitement whenever she was around. I hated it, yet I felt like I wanted to be with her all the time. And when we were together, I'd unconsciously creep closer to her. Everything she did was so great and wonderful in my eyes.

It took me a few months to figure it out. To identify the feeling. And when I did, it was horrifying. At first, I tried to mask it with anger and violence. I tried to shut everyone and everything out. But it seemed that the more I repressed my feelings, the stronger they got. I was afraid. No, I was honest-to-God terrified.

I come from a Catholic family that sent me to a Catholic elementary school where they preached the word of God. They told us that we should love thy neighbor and be all accepting and all that... unless you're gay. Then you're going to hell.

At first, I refused to even acknowledge the possibility. I was most definitely not gay, thank you very much. It couldn't be happening to me. It shouldn't be happening to me. In my eyes, what I was feeling was wrong. It went against all the principles I'd been raised on.

I was never really homophobic, but growing up in a family that seeks to "protect you from evil homosexual influence through the power of God" leaves some scars. I didn't mind other people being gay, but it's different when it's you.

I hated this feeling but loved it at the same time. She made me happy, but I made myself sad. I was so completely confused. I just wanted this to sort itself out. I was so afraid of who I was. I couldn't push it down anymore. It was threatening to surface. So I did the only thing I could.

I ran.

I ran as fast as I could, as far away from her as I could get. I made some new friends and sat with them at lunch. I refused to even sit two desks away from her in class. I avoided my best friend as well. He was gay, and it just reminded me of my feelings for her. I avoided him, but I never really hated him, I suppose.

As every kid knows, it's impossible to avoid your teachers, no matter how hard you try. I was trying to run away from who I was and everyone that reminded me of that. My french teacher stood in the way, though. He was openly gay and had a rainbow flag in the back of his classroom that I had a daily urge to rip to shreds. I solved the problem. I needed someone to hate, and he was conveniently there. Am I ashamed of this? I am. He really wasn't that bad. Monsieur, if you're reading this, know that I'm sorry. I truly am. I'm not proud of this period of my life, and I hurt quite a few people during this time.

As luck would have it, me and this girl were room mates for the end-of-year field trip. On the way there, we would sing a completely unromantic 80's rock tune that I would come to regard as 'our song'. Once there, she offerred to share a bed with me, in a completely heterosexual context. I completely freaked out. As I froze under my thin blanket, there was a small part of me that wished I'd taken her up on her offer.

I remember the day when I stopped running. I was completely emotionally messed up one night, and I kind sorta half told Alexi. He gave me some very good advice: someone can hand you the gun, but you're the one who has to pull the trigger. I pulled the trigger on my problems and it somehow flowed out. I couldn't keep it in anymore. I had fo tell someone.

I trusted the wrong person, and I was roughly dragged out of my cozy closet against my will, my nails scrabbling to latch onto something - anything - to stay in there. I made excuses, I tried to deny it, but I was out, and there was no going back.

The only person left to tell (that wasn't family) was the girl. The one who had made me realize who I was. I delayed it about a week, but I had to act fast or she might find out from someone else, and that would be horrible. So on a friday, I pulled her aside and explained everything.

Long story short, she is now my girlfriend and I am the luckiest girl ever. I'm sure she's reading this now. My life is a movie. Nothing this great happens in real life. It feels unreal. But it is real. And I fucking love it.

Life outside the closet is better than I imagined it would be. We'll see how I feel after I tell my parents... hopefully I won't have to do that until I graduate university. I seriously doubt I'll be able to keep this from them for that long though. They'll find out.

If you're thinking of coming out, and the people around you are pretty cool, I say go for it. If you know your parents would throw you out, wait until you're old enough to support yourself. Please. We already have too many LGBT (QIAOPSDNCF2) kids on the streets. Save yourself.

I guess that's the end of my story. I know you guys came here to read a piece of Alex and Adriel's, but this is what you get. Don't be ungrateful. This was hard. Next chapter will be the actual book, I promise. See ya.

-Dominique