Appa??!!

Chapter 36

Hello .....it's been 2 years since I've uploaded which is crazy to me ...I completely forgot about this book and found some drafts and thought I'll release some :)

I doubt much people will read this since it's been so long but even if it's one person that will enjoy it I don't mind :)

I hope you all been happy and healthy- what have you all been up too ? I'll love to know

As always comment and vote I love reading what you guys have to same

And to those reading this I adore you all 🫶

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"GOOD I WANT TO GO BACK TO MUMMY!!I HATE YOU APPA!

I HATE YOU"

Was the last thing that came out of my very angry sons mouth....Namjoon and me seems to be pulling away day by day, we can't seem to see eye to eye ans nor do we care to. I'm not exactly sure what's going on my children have finally started liking school ans seem to be settled in well all it joony be hated the place it's a pain in my royal behind to get him out of bed and worse picking him up. I try to talk to him but it just seems to lead to arguments and horrible words being thrown at each other, I've never taken much to heart but those words. Why can't I get them out my mind.

The words ran through my head like maggots on rotting meat I want to sleep, I need to sleep but every word in that sentence broke me down, melted me and ate me up. I check the time it's around 4am and I'm wide awake...,I feel physically sick.

Anxiety runs down me like cold sweat I ended up getting up and having a shower hoping it can make me feel a bit better, why am I so upset you might be thinking?

Because all I've ever wanted was a good father in my life and I never got that....i wanted to be a good father to my children and give them the love I never had, never received, never given in life and.....well I've failed in that. I've failed my self and I've failed myself, I can't even look at myself the same. I've not only failed in being a father but I've failed at the one thing I've always craved...love.
I've failed to love
Ive failed to provide love
I've failed to be loved

Love is a basic instinct to have as a human, us humans naturally crave to feel such way and express such feelings. But here I am once again numb to my core and all I can hear is my brain slowly shutting all my emotions down with every heavy blind of an eye
How bad am I for my children to rather be living with their abusive mother then me...ironically I want to laugh

I get out the shower and put some fresh clothes on and that's when my stomach started to turn. I quickly sit down onto the bathroom floor and try to relax but my stomach wasn't having it....yup my dinner is coming up. I make a quick move to the toilet as my body begins to stiffen up and I finally realise all my dinner out, I can feel the acid burning my mouth making me tear up from both the smell and pain....great time to be alive.

When I finished I got myself up and fell straight into bed 4:20 am great....my eyes finally close until I here my door open. I keep my eyes close and hear small foot steps coming closer to my bed, the strange body gets into my bed and places small hands onto my stomach giving it a gentle pat "Appa does your tummy hurt" I hear the cutest little voice......this must be my Mochi...... " Appa....." no this doesn't sound like Mochi? My brain just couldn't figure out who it was, I decided to turn around and pull off the covers to see little Hoesok cuddling me....my sunshine

My hope...

I smiled , I smiled more, I've never smiled so much before.

I pulled him into my arms and kissed him all over his face stroking his care and taking him all in not wanting any space between us, hugging Hobi is like a boost of serotonin

'Papa why do you and joony keep fighting?' He whispers whilst I stroke his hair out of his face
'Because joony got daddy's temper, I guess that's why baby but don't worry it's a new day tomorrow'
I try and convince both him and me

'Hmmmm new day but same people ?' He says and falls straight to sleep

Children aren't stupid, they like sponges everything around them the energy, laughter, atmosphere they soak it up and digest every part of it when this helps shape their understanding on not only themselves but how they see others and the world. I says alot about me myself all I've ever none was neglect it's only normal that I'm struggling to care for these children ? Right ? Someone please agree with me...

And for namjoon it's the same he's just like me all he's known is neglect all he wanted was to protect his brothers from the people that's house have cared for him and to be fair I'm no better I force him to do things that he doesn't want to I struggle to connect with him most of the time because I'm all honestly looking at him reminds me of myself ...my own insecurities my own fears and crushed dreams

Namjoon is the broken little boy I still am and that makes me uncomfortable. It's strange how like makes sense at 4:30 am when the house is finally silent I'm cuddled with a snoring child who doesn't want to let me go but all I wanna do is run away. The walls seem so close but so far from me - are they caving in on me ? Or am I just getting bigger ?
Either way let me just sleep for the love of god and maybe just maybe if I wake up I'll be someone else not myself and these children will have someone better to love other then me