Heaven

chapter 4: hunger

"And we prayed and prayed that this day would come. The good Lord above heard us because we are good people, at least some of us are. I mean the ones that count. He answered our prayers, didn't he, Father? Of course, he did. That's why you're here." Delores Cullen shuffled after Father Caleb as he entered his new home. A home that had once belonged to the previous priest.

From the moment Father Caleb Hill stepped foot in the sleepy town of Heaven, Delores had become his shadow. She insisted she drive him to his new place from the bus station and did not wait for an invitation inside when he unlocked the door.

Setting his suitcase down, Father Caleb noticed there were no pictures on the wall. The only decoration – if you can call it that – was a kitty calendar stating that it was 1989. On the cover, a little brown tabby dangled inelegantly from a branch. The phrase Hang In There was stamped over the animal's head.

"Goodness me," declared Delores as she hurried and ripped the calendar off the wall. "Kittens?" With a smear of dread slashed across her face like paint, she looked up at Father Cal. "I told my son to get a simple one with prayers."

"I don't mind it, really. Who doesn't like kittens?"

Delores began apologizing and chastising her foolish twit of a son in the same breath. "I'm sorry, Father. Travis has not been well since he..." Delores pursed her lips and set the calendar face-down on a nearby table, "well, since he had an accident a few years back."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Mrs. Cullen."

Delores looked momentarily uncomfortable. "Thank you. Drugs you see. These things ruin lives."

"I hope your son is –"

"He's better now," Delores interrupted. "But let's not linger in the past. I hope this place will be comfortable enough for you."

Caleb nodded. A faint ache made his temples throb. "Yes. Thank you."

"I was the one who made sure it sparkled," Delores boasted. "I made sure it was spotless. Clean as a clean can get. You see, Father, I..."

Father Caleb glanced around the house and tuned her out. He noticed the small rug under his shoes was worn and frayed like a worrier's feet had spent too many years pacing on it. Underneath, the hardwood floor looked even older. Though clean (as clean can get), the house was small, not much bigger than the trailer he'd lived in for years when he hated the world and himself. It had been a time when he'd needed nothing other than a radio, a bible, and the forest around him. I never needed a lot anyway, he thought, Nor do assholes like me deserve more.

The house was conveniently situated near Saint Agatha's church and a small forest. By Delores' equations, Cal's nearest neighbor was a twenty-minute walk away. This all suited him well.

"He's dim-witted like his father was," Delores commented as she picked up the calendar, gave it a huff, and headed to the wicker waste basket, "Travis means well but he's as clever as a box of bricks."

Realizing she was still speaking, Father Cal slipped out of his recollections. He took a step towards her and politely placed his hand on her shoulder to stop her from throwing the cat calendar away. "Thank you, Mrs. Cullen, for everything you've done to make this place cozy. Thank your son for me for the calendar which will brighten up the place. All of God's creatures are beautiful, especially kittens."

"Oh, y...yes, of...of course." She stammered allowing him to take the calendar out of her hands. "Please," dropping her hands she twisted her flower-print apron in her grasp, "call me Delores, Father Caleb."

He nodded with a small smile. "Thank you, Delores."

"Oh! I nearly forgot." Leaping in front of the priest, Delores hurried to the kitchen. "I stocked the fridge. I didn't know what your favourite foods are so I bought out the corner store." Chuckling, she called him over and tugged the fridge door open with a flourish.

There was a peculiar scent coming from the appliance. To most it was the normal aroma of what was inside: ham, cheese, milk, bread, and a large chocolate cake, to name a few. But not to Caleb who pursed his lips to keep from gagging.

"Evan's chocolate and almond cake is to die for!" she explained and began telling Caleb how to get to the bakery were he ever to find himself craving sweets.

But Caleb's head was swimming. He wanted to tell her that food was hardly to die for. That you died for love, not food, but he'd forgotten what either tasted like. "You are a star, Delores," Father Cal said in the most charming voice he could muster and hoped he didn't sound like an animal in pain.

"God sees good deeds. Good and evil. Everything we do no matter how big or small."

"Indeed he does," Father Cal uttered, yet his voice sounded strained.

"Are you well, Father?"

Faking fatigue, he nodded, "You must excuse me, it's been a very long day. I've been traveling since daybreak."

"My word," Delores gasped. "And here I am getting in your way. Right. I will leave you to rest. If there's anything you need, my number's by the phone in the sitting room."

"Thank you."

"Tomorrow I will come over," she said as Cal escorted her to the door, "bright and early so you can take a look at the church. Oh, Father, I know boasting is a sin," she lowered her voice as if by doing so God would not be able to hear, "but I cleaned Saint Aggy's better than anyone ever had, and I must admit, it looks better than it did when Father Lucas was here. It was full of cobwebs and terrible spiders." She shuddered as Cal took hold of the doorknob and opened the door. "I never did like spiders."

"I am looking forward to seeing Saint Agatha's," Father Cal said in all honesty. I missed it all so painfully much. But it wasn't church itself, or even a congregation that he had missed. He missed knowing that he still had his faith, even if it was a sliver. I've been doubting it a lot lately. I'm no better than the others, the ones so full of sins they cannot walk for it weighs them down like they're carrying rocks in their pockets. But I am here now.

Pausing halfway down the sidewalk, Delores gave the priest a wave, then walked away.

Father Cal closed the door and hung the kittens back on the wall. A small white K-Mart price tag peeked up from the corner. Blending with the white fur of the kitten's paw, it was easy to miss unless you paid attention. Cal read it was ninety-nine cents. He made a mental note to thank Travis Cullen and then gently peeled the sticker away.

All alone, thoughts of his past came up to him and tugged at his jacket like a needy child. Oh God, I know I am unworthy of your love...of any love. There was a small plastic Jesus on the dining table, Cal picked it up and held it close. "I hunger," he whispered, stupidly hoping for some answer. There was a fridge full of food but he knew where he'd be dining. Walking to the window, he peered at the forest. Blood called to Father Cal. He would have to reply.

I am a monster. 

* Fun fact: The reason I picked the Hang In There kitten is not becuase it's so 80s. It's because we had the same poster in my school when I was a kid and I thought it was cute - yet I felt concerned about how the heck that cat would get down from that branch.