Heaven

chapter 28: mountains of hail

It took a long minute until the words seeped into Caleb's brain and rushed toward his logic with a hammer. "No!" he said with such ferocity it made Sina skitter back towards the sofa like a spider.

"Holy shit, I didn't ask to murder you," Sina cried and held up his hands to ward off a potential punch.

Caleb's voice cracked, "N-no. I mean..." Falling to his knees, he halved the space between them. "I can't. It's..." Cal sat down heavily on his legs. He wanted to tell Sina that watching him would be a glorious sight. But he knew it was wrong to even consider it.

"Don't you want to?"

"I'm a priest," Father Cal reminded him pitifully.

"Then take off your collar and don't be one for a moment." The sound of Sina closing the distance between them blended with the howling wind outside. "I know you invited me here because I needed a place to stay and you felt sorry for me." Inching even closer, Sina touched his cheek to Cal's shoulder. "I feel something with you." His words were a whisper against Caleb's ear. "And I usually feel nothing. Nothing but ache. But being here with you feels good. I'm not the sort that gets good yet every second with you is dynamite."

Caleb shivered. He hadn't been close to anyone in decades. Not like this. It felt wonderful. It felt better than that even. "You should not feel anything for me."

"Why not?"

"I'm not good enough for you."

Inhaling the spicy scent coming from Caleb's skin, Sina knew this was where he ought to be. "You're more than good enough." Cody and Cookie had always been there for him but Sina longed for more than friendship. He wanted affection and warmth – for this thing he was feeling now. He wanted to feel loved and deserving of it like Al-Jay had told him he was. "I've got a crush on you. Had it since I laid eyes on you outside the church. It was so sudden. Though I tried to tell myself it was wrong, I love how it feels to want you. I am drowning and floating all at once. All I wanted was to see you again and now here I am and it feels wonderful."

There was something there. Caleb had felt it too. But it was everything people found wrong. People like Delores, Ambrose, and Abraham. "Have you ever thought desire is a terrible thing to feel?" Cal asked as he reached up and timidly caressed Sina's long, dark hair.

Sina leaned into the touch and let his eyes close halfway. "All my life. Then someone I know kinda changed my mind. She told me we're all deserving of love and desire. That there ain't no shame."

"There shouldn't be," Cal curled a strand of dark hair around his finger then released it only to watch it unfurl gently.

"We don't get to choose who we love. We just love." Pulling back Sina asked, "I am being stupid?"

Caleb shook his head honestly. "Not even a little bit." He longed to stroke that dark hair again.

"If you feel something for me you don't have to say it. I understood it when you didn't push me away. And in the way you touched my hair."

"I'm frightened to admit it."

"You don't have to say a word. Wait, 'k?" The TV was where Sina crawled to after leaving behind the perfect perfectness of Caleb's closeness. Flicking the set on, he saw one of the channels was some kind of movie behind a veil of static but the other was MTV. The song playing on the music channel was slow and the lyrics were deep. It was not the usual type of music Sina danced to in Purgatory. It was more of a song you danced to with someone. Sina thought it was perfect.

Outside, the mid-day had turned into a mock night. The storm clouds had hidden away the sun and cast gloom over the town. The only light in the house came from the TV.