As it was (Abel Heilon)

Today's Entry

blood stains

One Hundred

Imperial Year XXXX

blood stains

I'm bleeding a lot, I'm also hurting a lot.

Well this is my choice and I have no regrets over this.

This is what I think would be the best for us.

May that child not end up in the same way as I was. But just by looking at it I could tell that she's going to be fine. It may not be that long but I could tell that everyone has been treating her well and I'm glad.

droplets of blood

I also want to apologize for my messy hand writing, as you see my hands were quite shaking right now but now that I think about it I have no one to apologize for this is my own diary.

Looking back, my mother told me to only write when I'm happy, but now that I have browsed most of my entries until now, I have realized that I often write when I have to vent something or when something was bothering me.

Well that did helped me a lot.

Ever since I was a child I was searching for something, somethings that would keep me preoccupied, something that could be in the same standings with me.

I think I did find someone rather than something.

But at the end of the day I can't dare have him.

You see, now that I can feel myself barely hanging on I may or may not have realized something's in my life.

I'm still young, and I could say I haven't done enough, well I did done enough for others and for this land, but I haven't done that much for myself until now.

I wanted to get married.

I want to have a child.

I want to live a very long and comfortable life.

I want to live.

Hah.

In the end I still want to leave after years of years of denial.

Still, it's too late now.

Then again, I have no regrets.

Just because I admit that I want to live means I got regrets, but no. I don't have one.

Mother has been doing very well, the old butler and the other maids were watching over him, and now that I think about it, that old man did live well doesn't he?

The people in the Dukes castle has been doing very well too.

And my Mentor. He'll be fine.

He has his wife by his side so he'll be fine, he might be blaming himself that I became like this, but we all knew it was none of his fault.

It was my fault for having a weak body.

blood stain

Who's-

Oh right.

Abel.

Right that punk, I almost forget about that brat.

He'll be fine.

I'm sure he will be fine.

He has to be fine.

As if my death would stop him or something.

He'll be fine.

That is how strong he was.

I will never forget the moment I realized I was in love with him, that moment underneath the moonlight of my 18th birthday.

That was a moment I would never forget, because I wish that moment never existed in the first place.

Because the moment I realized I love him, everything was over.

As days passed by, the more I grew aware of how much I have been in love with him this whole time.

I don't know.

I was just so in love with him before I could even realize it.

I want to marry him, I want to annoying him for the rest of my life.

But I knew none of that would ever happen.

​​​​​​​Abel was incapable of loving someone, he made that clear so many times and long ago.

There was so many times were I asked my heart why him? Why does it had to be him? But then I guess the more I asked myself the more I realized there was literally no one other than him who made me feel like home.

In anyway, nothing would be the same as it was.

Still, I do wish for the best for everyone.

So to you who reads this book, to you who would happened to stumble upon thus shitty diary, never. Never ever let Abel Heilon see this diary even if it kills you.

Because trust me, I would come back just to hunt you for the rest of your life-

Well I suppose there was no use of writing threats, Abel and my mother has never been the one to go through my things in the first place, and they and some other people only happened to know about this stupid peaceful room.

Unless?

Oh well, I suppose-

Someone went inside the room?

Abel?-

​​​​​​​What is he doing in-

-(First name)(Lastname)

Last Entry.