As it was (Abel Heilon)

His Entry

The End

Imperial Year XXXX

If you were alive, you would be very much pissed to see me writing off in your own diary.

But you aren't here so.

It's been almost two decades since you're gone.

Our daughter's about to get married, can you believe that?

I can't believe I let that brat sway our daughter like that.

She's very powerful and strong like you. If you were here I bet you would be very proud of her.

She had already taken care of the things we strive to do during our teenage year, to take care of the crown.

You know.

I never said I love you, have I?

You know that too, right?

I have always been afraid that everything I loved and will love and cherish would be taken away from me like what had happened to me and my dad when I was a child, our mother was taken away from us and have been banished by the north.

You know that, that's why you pretend and stick with the fact that I don't love you. But you know that I do.

I was afraid you'll be taken away from me so I had to deny the fact that I love you.

But if I knew you'll be taken away from me just like that, then I should have been greedy from the very first place.

I thought that we would have more time.

I thought that if I deny what I felt about you, we would have more time, maybe not as a lover but as friends or even casual companions for life.

When you vanished from my sight, I hate that you had that look of no regrets on your face.

Because I have a lot of regrets when it comes to you.

You left too soon.

I wasn't done loving you yet.

I haven't showed you that I love you yet.

That I love you too.

Nothing was the same as it was when you died.

Because just like that, I lost you.

And I fucking lost it as soon as I lost you.

I tried to bury myself with work, I tried to be a better father, I tried to become a better Lord, a better man. But at the end of the day my heart is filled with regrets of what we could have been if only I took the chance.

I should have hugged you tighter that night.

It's been so long since you're gone. And I tried to hold on into every bits of memories we have and those little things mattered the most to me because I know we won't be making any of it anymore.

Losing you was something I could not handle.

I broke my rules for you.

And loving you has consequences.

Hell was loving you in my sleep and waking up alone.

Every time I saw you in my dreams I hold on into you a little tighter knowing you'll be gone the moment I woke up.

I even got jealous of our own child just today.

Because as much as I want to disapprove their marriage, Fiona was happy with Siergen and I'm not blind to see how much they care and love each other.

I'm jealous of how open they could be with each other when I could only wait for you during my next life to come so that I can finally have you again.

But then again, I'm still glad they have each other.

Looking at them reminds me of when we were young. We may have not been lover back then, but you have to admit the tension between the two of us.

The way we had it was to be secretly in love with each other and just leave it like that. The way we just stood there and kind of stare at each other, saying nothing. Yet that nothing kind of meant everything.

We just know.

Yet nothing was the same as it was before.

You're no longer here.

Your part in my story is over.

Our story is over.

Is that what you have been thinking until the very end?

It could be, seeing you don't have an ounce of regret in you.

But I'm different.

You're gone but what I still felt is in here.

I want to go back to the time before it was too late.

But I knew that I can't.

So I will wait for you until the next.

This one isn't enough so I will see you in another life, dang it, I will find you even if I have too just to see you again.

So wait for me.

Okay?

Our story isn't over yet.

My love,

You will never be unloved by me.

I will find you in another world

Another body

Another time

Another life

So wait for me.

I will come after you.

When the time comes, prepare yourself.

Because I will make sure to give you all my heart.

Even if you want it or not.

-Abel Heilon

Your brat of a husband.