𝐏𝐔𝐃𝐃𝐋𝐄𝐒 | ✍︎︎

𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝟰𝟵

Zara holds my quivering body to him, his warm hands emitting goosebumps wherever he touches.

I don't feel sick, and I'm hoping no one takes me to the hospital. I don't think I could spend one more second in that place.

The urge to have my mother holding me tears through my heart.

My hands shake, though not from the cold.
Zara is somehow warm, and I must feel like an ice cube against his warm skin.

He hugs the blanket tighter around us, I never knew blankets could be heated, but I seem to be learning a lot lately.

The weight of it makes my eyes heavy, but I don't close them in the fear of someone taking my sleeping body to the hospital.

Everything seems to be crashing down on me, crushing my tear ducts and making it unbearably hard to keep my tears at bay.

They fall freely, embarrassingly enough. Though, Zara doesn't comment. He only wipes them before they can reach my chin.

I want to tell him how scared I am of the hospital, how badly I don't want to go, but I can't talk. I don't know why. It makes me cry harder.

All my progress, everything I've done to be able to utter one single word, gone. But why?
How come one little incident tears me down so badly that I can't speak?

It's not fair.

It never has been.

Nothing in my life has ever been fair and I am so tired of it. Why me? Why was I chosen to take a life like this?

The thoughts won't stop, and neither will my tears. A floodgate to my mind and I hate it.
I'm a cry baby. I can't do anything right. I can't even talk.

"You need to breathe." Zaras voice barely makes it's way into my mind, as if he as the far back of the line of my thoughts.

The line lessens and grows at the same time, they run through my mind then escape through my eyes in the form of tears. They rule my brain, not letting one normal though pass through.

Zara is being shoved out of the way, his voice getting farther and farther back as the thoughts take over. I don't want them to.

I want Usok.

The thought is strange, and it momentarily stops the other ones. They are speed walking instead of running now, which is much more bearable.
When Zara was gone Usok replaced him, he was there and now I want him.

I was so upset that Zara was ignoring me that I didn't take the time with Usok for granted. Why didn't I hold on tighter?

He is probably asleep now, not worrying about me at all. But it's as if my body is in the wrong place, and I try shaking my hands to try and get the feeling away.

I can't even rest correctly.

I am lifted out of the bed, and I want to scream at him to put me back. I don't care if I'm alone anymore just not the hospital, please anything but there.

Zara doesn't hear my pleas, he is too focused on the fact that I'm not breathing good enough for him. I'm not breathing correctly, and now he's going to take me to the hospital and leave me alone.

This doesn't help the situation at all, my breathing gets worse. I want someone that I can't reach, and it's tearing me apart. I want to be held by Usok, I want him to console me.

If that makes me ungrateful I don't care, because all I need is him right now. I need my eldest brother to hold me. That's all I ask for.
Muffled voices are around me, and I try plugging my ears in fear my thoughts are running again. Maybe they're back to torment me. They seem to find joy in it.

But when I plug my ears, I realize it was real life people talking. With everything around me silenced, the thoughts are louder.

My hands squeeze on instinct, causing my ears to squish, but I welcome the pain as a momentary distraction from my brain. Anything to escape my own mind.

What happened to happy Clailea on the roof?

What happened to me?

My wrist is gently grabbed, I try to fight it, but I am no use against the hand. My eyes stay locked shut, trying to trap the tears in. I wonder briefly where Zara has gone, but don't let the thoughts stray if he is taking me to the hospital.

"Clailea," My heart stops, my eyes opening to find the one person I've wanted.

Sobs escape my lips, in what could be classified as relief, but not quite. It's an interesting feeling.
My arms moving from around Zara's neck to Usoks, and Usok freezes for a second before taking me from Zara gracefully. My blanket that somehow ended up with me lays lazily around my waist, and Usok is quick to cover me with it again.

It's as if a ball of air is thrown at my face and into my lungs, although my breathing is choppy I can still breathe.

I bury my face into Usoks neck, welcoming his warmth. Zara had given me warm pajamas and a million blankets but nothing compares to the living heater I call my brother.

When Usok starts swaying is when my tears turn to streams instead of rivers, they don't stop, nothing can ever stop them fully, but Usok certainly takes some of the thoughts away.

His hand rests on the back of my head, as if to keep me more stable. I'm not sure what it does, but it makes me feel more secure, safer.

My two brothers converse quietly, though my ears can only pick up the sound of my racing heart. It's uncomfortable, hearing my heart beating in my own ears. It feels as though my brain and heart have switched, but my heart is too big for my head, and it keeps pounding on my forehead.

An easy way to put it, I have a massive headache. Will I be verbalizing that to my brothers?

Absolutely not.

Anything is better than going to the hospital, I'd rather die.

Though, I think I'd do so happily in my brothers arms.

"How do you feel?" Usok whispers in my ear, resulting in me pushing my shoulder to said ear. It tickled.

I use the same shoulder to shrug as a response, and result to trying to fall back asleep instead of having to answer.

Though, when I close my eyes the pounding gets louder and more painful, so I just look out of the window in Usoks room.

His view is beautiful, seeing into the woods around our house. Little lights occasionally flicker in the trees. They look like fairies.

I watch them, waiting for another one to appear. There's thousands, I think. I've never seen a thousand of anything before.

My eyes move lazily, my sight jumping from one tree branch to the next. Why is it so cold in here?
I move the blanket closer to me, though it doesn't really help seeing as my front is smooshed against Usok and can't be covered.

"Are you still cold?" Zara's concerned voice fills the air.

I freeze.

Way to blow my own cover.

Trying to deny, I shake my head, even though they've seen me pushing to blanket up to my shoulders to try and warm up. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Usok doesn't believe me, obviously, and pushes the blanket up for me, before pressing the back of his hand to my forehead.

He sighs, his head moves toward Zara before the words I dread most leave his lips

"We're going to the hospital."

Kill me now.

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Short chapter but I wanted to get it out for Christmas!

QOTD: Favorite holiday tradition?

Toodles!

~N